Procreation Desperation

We got a positive pregnancy test after four months of trying to conceive. It turned out to be a blighted ovum which was devastating. But if there was a silver lining it was that I thought I could get pregnant. After we started trying to conceive again I was so fearful of another miscarriage. The thought that I wouldn't get pregnant again never crossed my mind.

After about six months of trying to conceive after the D&C I went a little crazy for a few months. I would pee on a test stick on the earliest day possible. I would pee on sticks two and three times a day. I would start my period and try and convince myself that it might be implantation bleeding, staying up all night, going to the bathroom each hour to see if the bleeding had picked up or had ended. When I could no longer deny that I wasn't pregnant I would get very depressed. I would get so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. I would get so depressed that I would call in sick to work. I would get so depressed that I wouldn't speak to anyone including my husband. It was a very bad time.

It was during this time that I committed my most desperate infertility act. I spent $300 and ordered a C.onception Kit online. If you aren't familiar, I'll let you in on what it is. The C.onception Kit is FDA approved (this is how I convinced myself that it wasn't completely crazy and that I wasn't getting taken). For $300 you get ovulation tests for three months, sperm friendly lube, semen collectors (more on that later), three pregnancy tests (which they consider a three month supply - yeah right), and the conception cap (below).


The idea is that you use the ovulation tests to figure out when you are ovulating. Then you have sex using the semen collector and sperm friendly lube. (This is to keep the romance in the process.) The semen collector is basically a condom without spermicide. Once the semen collector has "collected" the semen you squeeze the semen out into the conception cap. Then place the conception cap on your cervix for about eight hours and *bam* you are pregnant. They even include a cardboard "baby wheel" for the math challenged. You turn the wheel to the month when you want to have the baby and the wheel tells you what month to use the conception cap...because it is so fool proof.

Here's how it worked for us. I never used the ovulation kits because I am a firm believer in the Clear Blue Easy happy face ovulation kit. I am way too analytical to be puzzling over whether the second line is really darker than the control line. It's enough to drive a girl like me nuts. Give me a definitive answer already. Second, there was no way that my husband was going to have sex with a condom on and then squeeze the contents into a little cup. I was a little grossed by the thought too. Both of us were sick of having sex anyway. So my husband masturbated into the conception cup. I know...I know. I was impressed by his aim too. Then my husband inserted the cup into my vag and onto my cervix (which was super sexy) and I walked around with a cup full of jizz inside of me for about eight hours wondering if it was in there right.

We did this for two months. It took two months for us to realize how silly and desperate this all was. I still have one conception cap left somewhere in the back of my linen closet. No one knows that I did this, except my husband. So I spilled the beans on my most desperate act. What's yours?