Monday, February 16, 2009

Procreation Desperation

We got a positive pregnancy test after four months of trying to conceive. It turned out to be a blighted ovum which was devastating. But if there was a silver lining it was that I thought I could get pregnant. After we started trying to conceive again I was so fearful of another miscarriage. The thought that I wouldn't get pregnant again never crossed my mind.

After about six months of trying to conceive after the D&C I went a little crazy for a few months. I would pee on a test stick on the earliest day possible. I would pee on sticks two and three times a day. I would start my period and try and convince myself that it might be implantation bleeding, staying up all night, going to the bathroom each hour to see if the bleeding had picked up or had ended. When I could no longer deny that I wasn't pregnant I would get very depressed. I would get so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. I would get so depressed that I would call in sick to work. I would get so depressed that I wouldn't speak to anyone including my husband. It was a very bad time.

It was during this time that I committed my most desperate infertility act. I spent $300 and ordered a C.onception Kit online. If you aren't familiar, I'll let you in on what it is. The C.onception Kit is FDA approved (this is how I convinced myself that it wasn't completely crazy and that I wasn't getting taken). For $300 you get ovulation tests for three months, sperm friendly lube, semen collectors (more on that later), three pregnancy tests (which they consider a three month supply - yeah right), and the conception cap (below).


The idea is that you use the ovulation tests to figure out when you are ovulating. Then you have sex using the semen collector and sperm friendly lube. (This is to keep the romance in the process.) The semen collector is basically a condom without spermicide. Once the semen collector has "collected" the semen you squeeze the semen out into the conception cap. Then place the conception cap on your cervix for about eight hours and *bam* you are pregnant. They even include a cardboard "baby wheel" for the math challenged. You turn the wheel to the month when you want to have the baby and the wheel tells you what month to use the conception cap...because it is so fool proof.

Here's how it worked for us. I never used the ovulation kits because I am a firm believer in the Clear Blue Easy happy face ovulation kit. I am way too analytical to be puzzling over whether the second line is really darker than the control line. It's enough to drive a girl like me nuts. Give me a definitive answer already. Second, there was no way that my husband was going to have sex with a condom on and then squeeze the contents into a little cup. I was a little grossed by the thought too. Both of us were sick of having sex anyway. So my husband masturbated into the conception cup. I know...I know. I was impressed by his aim too. Then my husband inserted the cup into my vag and onto my cervix (which was super sexy) and I walked around with a cup full of jizz inside of me for about eight hours wondering if it was in there right.

We did this for two months. It took two months for us to realize how silly and desperate this all was. I still have one conception cap left somewhere in the back of my linen closet. No one knows that I did this, except my husband. So I spilled the beans on my most desperate act. What's yours?

16 comments:

strongblonde said...

i considered this damn contraption, too...but then, i figured, since i didn't really know if i was ovulating, it was really a waste of money. who cares if the sperm are hanging around in the right department if there is no one there to greet them, right?

;)

Erica said...

How nice it is to know that I'm not alone in crazyville! I'm currently sitting in a Jiffy Lube waiting room and I have too many desperate acts to write about. I'm going to think on this topic while I run the rest of my errands and I'll post a comment later. Just had to write you know. You've got me laughing again!!

Erica said...

Typo - should say "now" not know. A
Damn iphone keyboard sucks!

Sarah said...

omg that is too funny. not haha, because i've been there, but....sad funny i guess. i have one of those saliva microscopes for detecting the elusive "ferning" pattern from way back in my TCOYF charting days. when i think of all the wasted time...

best of luck with your upcoming cycle.

Betty Rubble said...

How about home "IUI"

Dr. Zavos "sperm swim up kit" a tom cat catherater, a GYN who gave his DESPERATE patient a speculum, and a really understanding husband.

There I was using the dining room table as my exam table asking my husband if my cervix looked open or closed. Needless to say NONE of those attempts worked.

Betty Rubble said...

Ok and one more, just because I am that desperate...

Do the horizontal mombo, and w/out expelling the contents carefully put in an INstead cup (similar to your conception cap). Then MANUALLY have an orgasm...you know because that works too.

womb for improvement said...

I'm just despairing at myself that even though you are writing this laughing at yourself I can't help but think. Hmmm ... I wonder whether I should have tried that.

No. No. No.

princessoftides said...

I did the Instead cup thing for a do-it-yourself home insemination using donor sperm. I was on vacation at a beach house with like 15 people, so it was interesting explaining why I got this mysterious giant Fedex package one day, then shipped it back two days later.

I also have one of those ferning ovulation microscopes. Ohhhh, that was a long time ago!!

Nicole said...

What a story! Back in my TCOYF days, I spent a mini-fortune (that DH doesn't know about) on Pre.seed and "natural" progesterone cream that I have never opened or used because I was too afraid I'd make "it" worse. Worse? Yah, right.

'Murgdan' said...

Oh, my. So sexy. I too considering purchasing this kit...so glad I didn't spend the money knowing what I know now.

I too spent cash on preseed and opks for a full year....

Sarah said...

I almost bought that kit. I didnt have $300 though....and the hubby wouldnt let me. You're not alone my dear. I'm just poorer than you. =)

Erica said...

I thought about this a lot today. Honestly, my most desperate moments were pretty pathetic. Since we're dealing with male factor, every month, right around ovulation (on my wait months) and after my trigger shots (on my IUI months) I've seriously considered pimping myself out in the storage closet to the few male coworkers I have during my teacher prep period. Adultery aside - slim, slim pickins in an elementary school!

barrenisthenewblack said...

I see your instead cup and raise you a public humiliation. I'll bite and share the goods.

Picture it: My RE's waiting room, prime time blood work and magic wand time, morning rush hour, if you will. I convince the lab tech to allow HoneyBee to wank off for the semen analysis early because he has to travel, and I want the SA done before I bother to trigger for my 2nd cycle. It turns out there's a reason they usually do the SA's later in the morning-the room shares a wall with the waiting room.

To further the humiliation (and because I haven't properly thought out the logistics in advance) I previously agreed to accompany him into the "special room".
We head back. Per instructions, no lube. no saliva. no intercourse. How is my presence a help with these parameters? The deed is accomplished with both my aid and the assistance of a very explicit magazine. I held the magazine.

Michelle said...

OMG I saw that and really considered it but never bought it. I did buy Pre.seed and a microscope saliva thingy to detect ovulation. Still to this day I can't read that thing.

kirke said...

Oh hilarious. I would have probably done this if I had seen it. I'm kind of a lazy infertile though, so maybe it would have been too much work :)

I've spent a fortune on OPKs, vitamins, pineapple (pretty much anything someone else said worked for them).....and I've kept my legs propped in the air until I've lost all feeling in my toes.

Leslie Laine said...

Okay, so seriously, where did you buy this kit again?

I'm still laughing my ass off and like, Womb, and feeling embarrassed at myself for wondering why the hell I've never seen that kit (and tried it).

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