Monday, November 23, 2009

The Obvious Post for This Week*

I am thankful that at this moment my marriage is strong. I am hesitant to say this because a marriage is such a fluid thing and “pride goeth before the fall” and all that. My marriage has always been strong. I am so grateful. What would the last three years have been like without a rock to lean on?

I am thankful that I am starting to come to terms with the idea of a life without children. I am even starting to find things to look forward to and enjoy in that life. I am still touched by sadness almost everyday, but the future does not look as grim as it once did.

I am thankful that I have the means to try for a baby one more time. I am still trying to muster the will, the excitement, and the hope. I am sure those things will come as plans are received, prescriptions are ordered, and tests begin. I am so grateful that I have the chance to do this again.

I am thankful that excluding my inability to conceive a child, I have an incredibly blessed life. I said this to a good friend of mine once and she told me, “Don’t qualify that statement. You have a blessed life, period.” I am still trying to get there, but in the meantime I am happy that I have a job, a family, a home, and a generally happy life.

I am thankful that Tony convinced me to get a dog. I really wanted us to be done with house pets. He was right though. We needed something to take care of and love. Right or wrong, I am obsessed with that puppy.

*Obvious if you live in the States. Thanksgiving is Thursday.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I complained about the drugs and the doctor’s appointments and the side effects. But I never really minded, because I knew it would lead to you.

I complained about the money spent and the shots and the stress. But I never really minded, because I knew it would lead to you.

I changed my lifestyle. I ate things I didn’t want to eat and didn’t eat things I wanted to eat. I went to acupuncture. I gave up vacations and promotions. I didn’t care. It was for you.

I always thought I would do whatever it takes to get you here; endure more invasive procedures, spend every penny I have, persevere through every disappointment.

I thought I would never stop.

But now I’m not so sure.

Admitting that I want to stop looking for you is one of the hardest things I’ve done. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I must not have wanted you to begin with. It makes me feel like a failure.

I am used to being a warrior. I am used to fighting to the end.

So, Baby, we’ve decided to try one more time. Please come to me this time. I don’t want to make this decision again.

Love Always,
Your Mom

Friday, November 13, 2009

Totally Random

You know those security words that you have to type when you leave a comment on someone's blog?

When I first started blogging I thought they were real words and that my vocabulary was really really bad.

Happy Friday!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

You've Got To Be Kidding Me

Friday night Tony and I ended up at the local version of mega national chain restaurant. This is not my favorite place. In fact, I have never had a good meal at this restaurant, not even by accident. But two or three times a year we end up eating there on lazy Friday nights when we don’t feel like driving. Inevitably the meal does not end in dessert, but in proclamations like, “We are never eating here again,” and, “why did we pick this place? Ugh, It’s the worst.”

I was sitting outside, electronic buzzer in hand, wondering why I was waiting fifteen to twenty minutes to eat crappy food and up walk mama, daddy and adorable little daughter to sit on the bench across from us. Mama hands baby off to daddy and proceeds to light a cigarette.

“You’ve got to be f-ing kidding me,” I thought to myself. “Here I am paying thousands of dollars to have the slimmest chance of having a baby and this woman is smoking a cigarette right beside her baby!?!”

OK, I have to be honest I didn’t think it. I said it under my breath, “You’ve got to be f-ing kidding me.” It just came out.

Alright, you caught me. I didn’t say it under my breath. I said it out loud. I said it loud enough for them to hear. Tony elbowed me in the side, but I didn’t care. She glared at me and I glared right back. I was pretty sure that my husband could beat up her husband. And I was really sure that I could kick her ass. Besides, Tony and I got nothing better to do on a Friday night than get into a fight outside mega national chain restaurant and go to jail…being childless and all.

Luckily our buzzer rang before it became an infertile vs. irresponsible breeder hair pulling match. To be fair to mama she was holding the cigarette down by her feet and blowing the smoke away from the baby because, ya know…that makes it OK.

And the food was bad. And we’re never going back. For sure this time.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Colors of Infertility

OK, so getting my period on Sunday night wasn't the whole story. I did a pregnancy test Friday on my way home from work.

I was feeling so tired, so put-my-head-on-the-desk-at-work-can't-drag-my-ass-out-of-bed-in-the-morning tired that I really thought that I might be pregnant. I didn't want to use a possible pregnancy as a reason to sit on my ass all weekend.

So I tested. And it was negative. And as I looked at the stark whiteness where a pink line should be I thought, "That would make an interesting paint color...'negative pregnancy test white.'"

Which made me wonder about the other colors of infertility:

Miscarriage Red

Pre-Natal Vitamin Urine Neon Yellow

Wheatgrass Green

Injection Bruise Blue

Menstrual Spotting Pink

On Sunday morning I figured out why I was so tired. I woke up with a terrible sore throat, a headache, and an achy body. I'm feeling much better now.

...Now I know all of you can come up with more colors...

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Dirty Puppy

Bo decided to play in the mud today.

And I got my period, earlier than expected.
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