Reflection is inherent in the project I have been working on (on which I have been working?). Looking back to the beginning of the year I am struck by the feeling I had in January that 2009 was *IT*. Baby or bust, meaning that by the end of 2009 I would have a baby, be pregnant, or give up. What a difference three months makes.
In January I assumed that if 2009 ended childless and pregnancy-less I would have probably completed three failed IVF cycles. I would probably have exhausted my infertility insurance money. And one of the three failed cycles would have been paid for out of pocket. And so, at the end of 2009 I would be done. In January, I was on the fence about adoption and my husband was not on the adoption fence, but running through the "no adoption" meadow on the other side of the fence.
So what has changed in three months? Well, I still haven't completed an IVF cycle yet, failed or successful. I still might be able to squeeze out three IVF cycles by the end of the year, but not at the rate I'm going. (Note to universe: Completing three failed IVF cycles is not the goal. I want to complete one successful IVF cycle.) Three months later the tone of the adoption talk in our household has changed as well. I am still on the fence. Hubby has leapt the fence and is now playing in the very pro-adoption pasture.
Who knows where we will be three months from now? Who knows where we will be at the end of 2009? I'm through making predictions.
Despite the fact that I am not where I thought I would be, I have found my smile. How did I find it?
1. I took last Friday off work. I realized that since Christmas I had taken no days off work with the exception of one vacation day I took when I was having dental work done and one day when I "called in infertile". (Calling in infertile is when you just can't deal with people so you call in sick to work.) I was so uptight about missing work for doctors appointments that I hadn't taken any time for me. I cannot do this. I need time off to recharge.
2. I got a voicemail from my IVF coordinator. She has already made a tentative calendar for May. She knew I was having blood tests on Friday (imagine...a clinic where the left hand knows what the right hand is doing.) She sounded very on the ball. I listened to the message twice because I was so pleased.
How has the first quarter of 2009 changed you?