Thanks for the comments on my new look. I'm trying to Spring up the place. I love the new yellows and oranges that are in all the stores, but they don't really work in my house.
I am in an infertility funk cycle and I feel like I can’t get out. Sometimes I think that dealing with infertility has been worse than when my father died. I feel weird saying that because my father was a real person that I had a relationship with for twenty-one years. Shouldn't losing him feel worse than losing something I never really had?
But I think the difference is this (shown graphically no less)... When Dad died, the worst had happened and each day moving forward improved a bit emotionally. Some days were better, some days were worse. I still have days, over ten years later, when I cry about it, such as holidays or when I do something really great and I want my dad to know about it and be proud of me. For the most part feeling bad about this life experience has leveled off.
On this infertility journey it seems that each day gets worse and something bad is always just around the corner. OK, there are some good days, some more hopeful days, but by the time you start to heal emotionally from one bad cycle, there's another negative pregnancy test to mourn. I'm not going to say that a negative pregnancy test is on the same level as the death of a parent, but perhaps it's on the same level as a death of an acquaintance or coworker? After about six of these in a row, month after month, it starts to take its toll. Take the cumulative effect of years of this type of disappointment and I argue that you start to get to the same level as death of a parent.
Sure this journey can end with the greatest joy, but it can also end with the greatest sorrow. I don't know if this is a sad story in my life that ends happily or if it will be a tragedy the whole way through. And here's the scary thought... If you don't have a baby, how do you ever get closure? Where does the chart end? When does the bad feeling level off?
Sorry for the bummer, go back to enjoying the nice Spring colors now...