Friday, September 25, 2009

A Test Not Taken

Today I am 7dp5dt. According to the Internet I could have peed on a stick today and possibly gotten a positive pregnancy test. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I am paralyzed. My fear that the test will be negative is greater than my desire to know the outcome of this cycle.

We did not end up being lucky enough to freeze any embryos. This concerns me. We have been so lucky at so many points in this cycle. What if the luck has run out?

Tony told me that he doesn’t think he can do another IVF cycle. I found out two days ago that he started smoking again during this cycle. He says it is to deal with the stress. Sure he might be caught up in the moment. He might change his mind about another cycle. Yes, if this cycle is negative I could probably persuade, beg, or nag him into doing another cycle, but is that ethical? If he has truly hit his limit is it right for me to try and force him to keep going? This could be it for us.

But the test could be positive.

But the test could be positive.

But the test could be positive.

If it is positive we would be so happy. This nightmare, this personal hell would be over. Everything we have gone through (the time, the money, the stress, and the tears) would be worth it.

This test is pass or fail. There is no in between. There is no “close enough”. I am nervous. I am scared. I am paralyzed.

I gave blood today. I will give blood again on Monday. They will call with the results after the Monday test. I could ask for today’s results, but I won’t.

Maybe I will test tomorrow.

26 comments:

TeeJay said...

I know the fear of that test. And I know the fear of not doing another IVF, of not trying again. This is not a fun time and I wish you the best of luck with your outcome. I so hope that your test is positive...thinking positively for you!

B. said...

Hang in there! And don't give up on this cycle just yet. One day at a time... hoping for the very best for you and Tony!

SassyIfLady said...

Big Bear Hugs! Take care...

Betty Rubble said...

I remember that fear...its tangible.

Keeping fingers crossed for a positive result for you!

Kate said...

Hang in there- if you are like me you are also scared to go pee- and look at the TP to know if you started. I would hold my pee for hours just so I would not have to look- just in case.

Hugs- everything is crossed for you.

Logical Libby said...

I think you're husband should take the test...

Good luck!

Jenny said...

It is so agonizing, I feel for you. Good luck and I will keep you in my toughts.

Valerie said...

Megan,

So many of us have "been there done that", but that doesn't make it any easier for you.

And if I could comment on Kate's post...I did have sudden bleeding a few days after embryo transfer and I was down-right hysterical (although, outwardly calm when I called my IVF nurse). She assured me that over 50% of IVF pregnancies spot; they think it is due to the abnormal hormone levels requried of the IVF process.

So, my point...try to remain as positive as you can (easier said than done, I know!) and don't lose faith if you do spot, if your hCG numbers don't look good, etc.

I think I've told you...we had 14 eggs retrieved, 9 fertilized, 2 5-day embies for transfer and ended up with 1 perfect baby. People ask me all the time about what I had left to freeze...NOTHIN'...NADA...ZIP! It can happen regardless.

As always, praying for you and sending positive thoughts,
Valerie

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm so hopeful for you, but my heart is breaking for you at the same time. I'm sorry you and Tony have to go through this kind of stress.

As a numbers girl, you may be better off getting today's result than breaking down and testing over the weekend...

Much luck.

JB said...

No advice is good enough for days like this. I suppose if it were me, I would find out today's beta and at least know one way or the other, no more guessing. My clinic calls with the first beta anyway, so I don't know what it's like to have to make that request.

Taking it one day at a time doesn't suffice now - take it one hour at a time. Hang on. This could be the one.

The Patterson's said...

Oh...I so remember when I couldn't decide whether to test or not. I hated those things!!! Don't worry about not being able to freeze any - we couldn't with either cycle. It doesn't have any reflection on the embryos transferred. Hope you get your BFP results on Monday!!!!

Mo and Will said...

I am so so pulling for you guys that this is IT. And your restraint is AMAZING. As much as you can, try not to worry about the "whether you can or can't do this again" if this cycle is negative. One step at a time. If you have to figure that out, you will. But I am SO SO hoping you don't have to!

Mo

Kate said...

HANG IN! Sending good thoughts your way.

Shinejil said...

I never had the gumption to POAS. So I understand. Completely.

You'll be in my thoughts as you manage this difficult wait.

Meg. said...

You're doing so great! I know this waiting game is scary as shit. The extra pressure of DH saying he doesn't want to cycle again is no doubt compounding these feelings of dread.

But, like you said, this cycle has gone so well! I think you have the best chance you've ever had at achieving that elusive BFP.

I'm still rooting for you!

IVF 40+ said...

just wanted to say thinking of you and I support whatever you decide to do. Hang in there.
EB

Jennifer said...

((SUPER HUGS))
Do not give up. This cycle is not over yet and I am praying for you. As well as lots of others :)

gwinne said...

I'm thinking of you!

sunflowerchilde said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think I have your strength. I would have tested. In fact, I already pretty much know that when I do IVF #1 I will take a HPT by the point you're at now. I wish you so much luck for either your wait until beta or your HPT if you decide to do one. Fingers are crossed for you.

mekate said...

thinking of you,
hate the cusp of not know and wanting a YES so badly and being so scared of a No. Yeah.

warm wishes to you,
and hoping hoping hoping
kate

womb for improvement said...

I completely understand why you haven't tested. Fingers crossed.

SMT said...

I know this sounds impossible...but try to relax. As I'm sure you know stress isn't good for you. Maybe you should go see a movie with some friends or go shopping?

Kara's Mom said...

It's so hard to be in the 2ww. After all we've gone through, our whole future depends on that damned beta. I hate the wait and the fear, the anxiety and the tiny flame of hope that can't resist flickering beneath it all. I'm wishing you much luck and sending sticky baby dust your way. xxoo

PJ said...

Oh, I so hope this is IT for you guys! Crossing all crossables!

the misfit said...

I'm paralyzed right along with you. You'll share if you test tomorrow, right?? I'm sorry this has been so hard on your husband - and on you.

Kristen's Raw said...

Ugh... I know the feeling!

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