Monday, September 28, 2009

It's Official

Even though I failed the pregnancy test I still took my progesterone this weekend like a good girl.

Even though I started spotting last night I went to my blood draw this morning like a good girl.

When the phlebotomist that I hate called my name, I went willingly and I sat quietly as she dug the needle around in my arm…twice. Then I calmly asked for someone else to take my blood, thinking the whole time that I needn’t be here. It was all a formality, adding insult to injury.

You know the urban legend about the IVF cycle where the woman had a negative pregnancy test 8dp5dt, spotting one day later, and still ended up pregnant?

That’s not me.

My beta was negative.

Infertility has so many ways to tell you that you have failed; pee test, spotting, blood test, period. I’ve failed them all this cycle except getting my period which will surely come when I stop the progesterone. I can feel it building like water behind a dam seeking out a crack.

That little inextinguishable flame of hope always burns until the very end.

Lots of thoughts this weekend…

Lots of options discussed and debated…

Lots of plans made and abandoned to be replaced with new plans…

…which were then abandoned.

You know those letters people write to their past selves at eighteen or twenty or thirty? I could really use a letter from “future Megan”.

We are a bit lost right now. The only thing we know is that we need a break.

52 comments:

Shinejil said...

Shit. I was hoping against hope.

You deserve a break, though I know it's painful.

JB said...

Sorry doesn't cut it, but I am nonetheless.

Mo and Will said...

Oh, Megan. Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel. I am so sorry for this negative cycle. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourselves. Infertility is a bitch.

Mo

Dr. Edward Ramirez, MD, FACOG said...

You are very courageous and even though you might think you failed, you did not, it's the disease of infertility that needs to be blamed! We desperately need to find a better way to help women like yourself. Accept my sympathy and take care of yourself.

sprogblogger said...

I am so very sorry. I was hoping you were going to renew my faith in urban legends. Thinking of you, wishing this was all easier.

Eileen said...

I'm so so sorry. Was totally rooting for you this cycle. Remember to take care of yourself and that breaks can be good.

Michelle said...

I am so sorry. I know this all sucks and is so hard! A break might be exactly what you need. I know that it helped me a lot! It's just now I am anxious to get started again.

Bluebird said...

Shit. I am so, so sorry.

There doesn't really seem to be anything else to say.

Except that I'm thinking of you.

Shannon said...

Nothing I say will make it better or right. IF sucks. Take your break, get back on the wagon if you want to. Some way you will have that family you hope for.

Lorza said...

Crap- that sucks girl. I am so sorry. I am so very sorry. {{{{HUGS}}}}

gwinne said...

I'm so sorry

Logical Libby said...

I used to wish for a letter from the future me too. Bitch never sent one...

I wish I could say something to make you feel better.

Betty Rubble said...

crap...

Sarah said...

I'm sorry honey.


Hugs.

Valerie said...

:(

No words...

Just cyber hugs!!! {{{ }}}

B. said...

I'm so sorry. Please don't blame yourself. Be good to yourself, and know that we're thinking of you.

callmemama said...

I'm so sorry...

Myndi said...

That is such crappy news. I am so sorry. Take good care of yourself.

Jennifer said...

Oh, Megan
I am so sorry to hear this. Taking a break may be just what you need. I am praying for y'all.

Dana/WiredDesign said...

I'm so sorry - so sad to see your Hope Meter down to zero. :( I was crossing my fingers for you - I wish it were that easy - but sadly that doesn't always work.
o_O

Kate said...

This sucks!!! I, too, was really hoping this would be it for you... I am so sorry.

TeeJay said...

I'm so sorry. There are no words to make anything better. Just know that you are not alone in this. We know your pain and we are here for you.

Moky said...

So sorry. That really sucks.

Good Eggies said...

Megan - The let down totally sucks. Maybe on your break you can go somewhere wonderful that will help you recover from this setback. My thoughts are with you - IF totally sucks.

c by the sea said...

ugh! this totally f*cking sucks. thinking of you.

twoweekwaiting said...

I'm so so so so sorry. *hugs*

Heather said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could take some of the pain away for you. Infertility fucking sucks. There is just no better way to put it. I'll be thinking about you. Take care.

jenicini said...

Seriously, I was hoping you would be our urban legend. As much as it sucks, take the time to be upset so that when you want to move on, you'll be able to. Thinking of you.

A Few Good Sperm said...

I'm very sorry, you really deserve a break in every sense of the word.

Life Happens said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you can take the time and break that you need and then come back ready to take on the next cycle or whatever it will be that you decide to do. God Bless.

just me, dawn said...

so sorry! ((hugs))

SassyIfLady said...

Sorry about the crap news. Take care of yourself - HUGS!

areyoukiddingme said...

Sigh. I'm so sad for you and Tony.

Hope said...

I am so sorry for the disappointment you are feeling right now. There is nothing that compares...

ASP said...

God, so unfair. I'm so incredibly sorry.

Simple said...

Damn it! I'm so sorry. You are not alone... hugs.

The Unproductive One said...

Fuck, sorry but someone had to say it.

InFertility is a bitch, I'm so sorry though I know sorry doesn't cut it.

xxxx

Kate said...

Damn. Life's a bith sometimes.
My black humour would say to have a good stiff cocktail tonight to drown your sorrows. Might as well get something out of the BFN. (Hope that doesn't offend you in any way - I'd be out for sushi and a beer!).

K said...

We took a break too, after our last failure. At first, it sucked because of the ticking clock thing. But then we settled into it for a couple of months and enjoyed some things in life we had neglected. It was cathartic. It reminded us there were other things we wanted to do that gave us joy. At the same time, it gave us new strength to pick up the pieces and try again, as well as make some back-up plans. I hope this helps you.
K.

hope4joy said...

Sorry that you are going through this. Infertility and IVF are two of the hardest things ever.

PJ said...

damn. I'm so sorry.

Meg. said...

I'm so heartbroken for you right now.

I've been out of town, and logged on, hoping so much to see a different result for you. I know "sorry" doesn't cut it, but I am --- so, so sorry.

I hope you and DH come up with a plan that will bring you peace.

Alice said...

I am so sorry. There are just no good words. All the best on being able to move forward.

Pundelina said...

((hugs)) I so wish it were different for you.

Do take a break, recover your self.

irrationalexuberance said...

Shit -- that sucks a lot. I'm very sorry Take care of yourself first and then make plans when you are ready.

IF Optimist, then... said...

I have no good words of comfort. "I'm sorry" seems pitiful. Just know that I am thinking of you and sending hugs and hoping that somewhere in this swirling mass of confusion and wrong you will find your answer for the future path.

Gabby said...

i am so so sorry.

i am praying for you right now for clarity. it's so hard to not know what to do. give yourself time to grieve this loss, because It IS a LOSS, and then I really hope that you will have clarity and hope for what is next. we'll all be here for you, whatever you do.

Panamahat said...

Oh crap. Megan, I am so sorry to hear this news. I really wish a positive had come your way.

'Murgdan' said...

I'm so sorry. I so wanted this for you...I know there are no words, but my thoughts are with you.

roadrise said...

I am so incredibly saddened and sorry for both you and Tony. I know that "sorry" doesn't even begin to do justice to the pain you're feeling. Please know you're both in my thoughts.

Oh...and Bo is darling! (I read ahead!)

-Callie

Brandy said...

I have no words, other than I hope you somehow find peace. I know this has got to be awful!

www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

Barefoot said...

I'm so sorry to see this.

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