Step Away from the Credit Card

When I had my miscarriage I bought a new car. Not a few weeks later, not a few months later. Monday was the ultrasound. Friday was the D&C. I bought a new car on the Wednesday in between. I never took psychology in college, but it's pretty easy to figure out why I did this. I wanted something to be excited about, something to talk about, something to distract me from the loss. This seems extreme, but we had been talking about getting a new car anyway. We had the "free and clear" Cavalier that I bought when I graduated from college which was only a two door car. We needed something else if we were going to have a baby. Something with four doors. I just bought it a little ahead of schedule. I never thought I'd have the car for over a year and still not have a baby.

Since the cancelled IVF cycle I haven't bought anything as extreme, but I can't stop shopping. This is very out of character for me. I generally shop for quality, not quantity, so I don't shop very often. I am so ashamed and guilty. I need to stop. I need to start saving money for future IVF cycles.

When it comes to the financial part of infertility my husband and I are lucky. First of all, we have insurance. However, the insurance has a $15k lifetime max and we will probably hit that with this next cycle. After that we can pay for some cycles out of savings, but that could leave us with no "baby" money (if needed) and no "safety net" money.

Safety net money is very important to me. I grew up working class in rural Iowa. As a child I always felt like our family was one step away from financial ruin. I remember one time my mother got into a car accident with me in the car. It was little more than a fender bender, but I remember being so panicked. I didn't know how my parents could possibly afford to pay for the repairs. I didn't understand car insurance at the time. I never wanted a child of mine to feel that way. Now I'm not sure I'll have a choice. I'm scared that if I want a child, I may have to give up financial security. It seems so unfair.

I hit my shopping bottom this past weekend. Friday night my husband and I went out for cocktails after work. I had a few too many and I was feeling great. On the way home I told my husband to stop at the Hobby Lobby on the way to our house. This is what I call bottom. I was drunk in a Hobby Lobby on a Friday night buying a bunch of craft shit that I so don't need. No intervention necessary. I need help.

It was fun while it lasted, but I'm putting an end to this shopping craze. Here's some of the stuff I picked up along the way...

I bought these boxes to organize some of my craft crap. I love organization. This picture is like porn to me.

I bought this old camera at an antique store. I have no use for it and no where to put it. I just liked it. I'm not going to tell what I paid for it.