Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Step Away from the Credit Card

When I had my miscarriage I bought a new car. Not a few weeks later, not a few months later. Monday was the ultrasound. Friday was the D&C. I bought a new car on the Wednesday in between. I never took psychology in college, but it's pretty easy to figure out why I did this. I wanted something to be excited about, something to talk about, something to distract me from the loss. This seems extreme, but we had been talking about getting a new car anyway. We had the "free and clear" Cavalier that I bought when I graduated from college which was only a two door car. We needed something else if we were going to have a baby. Something with four doors. I just bought it a little ahead of schedule. I never thought I'd have the car for over a year and still not have a baby.

Since the cancelled IVF cycle I haven't bought anything as extreme, but I can't stop shopping. This is very out of character for me. I generally shop for quality, not quantity, so I don't shop very often. I am so ashamed and guilty. I need to stop. I need to start saving money for future IVF cycles.

When it comes to the financial part of infertility my husband and I are lucky. First of all, we have insurance. However, the insurance has a $15k lifetime max and we will probably hit that with this next cycle. After that we can pay for some cycles out of savings, but that could leave us with no "baby" money (if needed) and no "safety net" money.

Safety net money is very important to me. I grew up working class in rural Iowa. As a child I always felt like our family was one step away from financial ruin. I remember one time my mother got into a car accident with me in the car. It was little more than a fender bender, but I remember being so panicked. I didn't know how my parents could possibly afford to pay for the repairs. I didn't understand car insurance at the time. I never wanted a child of mine to feel that way. Now I'm not sure I'll have a choice. I'm scared that if I want a child, I may have to give up financial security. It seems so unfair.

I hit my shopping bottom this past weekend. Friday night my husband and I went out for cocktails after work. I had a few too many and I was feeling great. On the way home I told my husband to stop at the Hobby Lobby on the way to our house. This is what I call bottom. I was drunk in a Hobby Lobby on a Friday night buying a bunch of craft shit that I so don't need. No intervention necessary. I need help.

It was fun while it lasted, but I'm putting an end to this shopping craze. Here's some of the stuff I picked up along the way...


I bought these boxes to organize some of my craft crap. I love organization. This picture is like porn to me.


I bought this old camera at an antique store. I have no use for it and no where to put it. I just liked it. I'm not going to tell what I paid for it.

16 comments:

Bluebird said...

I laughed out loud at this post! Mostly at the image of you drunk in Hobby Lobby - I love it :) My friends bought a new washer and dryer after cocktails once. . . I usually just stick with the cocktails so long the stores are closed!

After we lost the babies, I originally begged my hubby to take me on vacation. When that proved to be too expensive - and against doctor's orders, besides - I settled for a new couch and bedding. Not quite as extravagent as a car, but still!

April said...

oh megan....girl. you need to stop. but....before you do that....you can come over here and i will give you my credit card and you can buy me some cute organization stuff. :) during this process i have spend a good deal of time organizing the IVF stuff into binders and charts and BS, but my other stuff is a little neglected at the time. :(

Michelle said...

Yes, when you are drunk at the Hobby Lobby (LOL) intervention is necessary. But I do agree on the organizational stuff. I love to organize. I swear everytime I buy anything I feel guilty because I should be saving for IVF. You are not alone in that.

Cassandra said...

I suppose I'm just enabling you, but the boxes and the camera are awesome. IF treatments are so difficult, I actually think it's wise to do whatever it takes to enjoy ourselves, within reason.

We bought a new car before TTC so that we'd be ready with a 4-door. It was a 2002 model year, bought in late 2001. Still no baby. When I'm feeling detached and philosophical, I'm pretty curious to find out whether the baby will come before the car is totally run into the ground.

areyoukiddingme said...

My husband didn't understand retail therapy at all (and I only went shopping - I didn't actually buy anything). Maybe if I'd gotten drunk and gone to Hobby Lobby, he'd have understood a little better. Have to keep that in mind...

I opted for a $200 haircut and dye job instead. I just wanted to be someone else.

At least your craft stuff is organized - mine is scattered around the house. If we're lucky, it's in a plastic storage container. Otherwise, it's just a box full of crap that I'm going to do something with someday. Happily, I finally got rid of the 7 year old stained glass kit.

Betty Rubble said...

We are the proud owners of a 47 inch flat screen plasma television that was post miscarriage therapy.

I am a camera collector and LOVE the Kodaks and Poloroids with the bellows. I have one that was patented in 1898.

noswimmers said...

I am of the belief that spending money on unnecessary objects makes everything better.

LOL @ the porn comment.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Those boxes rock! You're making me drool. I imagine going to Hobby Lobby drunk is similar to going grocery shopping hungry! ;o) Thanks for the visual though.

Candace said...

I just came across your blog... I recently had a miscarriage, and know exactly what you mean! I have been dying to go shopping! And... I seriously almost fell off my chair when I read about your Hitting SHopping bottom! Funniest thing ever! Thanks for sharing!

Greg and Heather said...

Hey just a fellow IF blogger who found your blog!

I totally went thru the same thing and literally accumulated debt! My hubby thankfully and quickly put a end to it until I could control it but I know how you feel!

Please check ut our blog as well

Abbie said...

I thought I was crazy to get my hair cut off the night I found out my baby had died. I also did a lot of retail therapy that night, but nothing quite so expensive as a car.

Maybe you should ask your husband to help hold you accountable - or at least prevent you from going to Hobby Lobby drunk. :)

Kristin said...

This post made me laugh... especially the "organizing porn." I'm totally the same way about shopping to fill in that gaping hole we all have longing for a baby. Just go easy on yourself... there is so much to worry about don't beat yourself up over this too.

Mary said...

Drunk in Hobby Lobby, lol. That's totally something I would do!

Shopping therapy is important. Don't start going to group treatment or anything:)

barrenisthenewblack said...

If your husband drove you to the Hobby Lobby he was an accessory to the retail therapy, and I hold him JUST as responsible. he's a co-dependent shopper who shops through you.

As for the car, if he cosigned the loan, he basically handed you the keys....

Chelle said...

I did the same thing. Within a week of m/c, I went c-r-a-z-y shopping. It lasted about a month.

The first step is to admit that you have a problem! lol-you've done that, next step is to stop.

I love organization too! That is a great pic!

L said...

ummm...I know EXACTLY what you mean! I bought shoe organizers the other day, signed up for knitting class and sewing class. I went and bought a new Kathy Van Zeeland purse...and then blogged about how I am having to choose b/t a 10% down paymen on our first house or our first round of ivf. ARGH. I can totally imagine going through Hobby Lobby after some wine. Nirvana

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