I figured that I would have a few weeks to wait for the mythical real period to come after my cancelled IVF cycle. If I count the "fake" period I am on day fifteenish. I was fine with waiting a few weeks. I had come to terms with a few weeks. In fact, I was prepared for the wait to be longer due to all the drugs I have been injecting into my body over the last two months. But yesterday there *it* was. My first thought was, "Hmmmm...another fake period. That's strange." I thought it would go away. But it hasn't. Reading the tea leaves (or tampons) tells me that this is *it*. The fabled phenomenon I have been seeking. The "Real Period."
I should be happy. A real period is hope. A real period is moving on. A real period is trying again. There's only one problem. I'm not ready. It's easy to complain about being left out of the game when no one is asking you to ante up and put the chips on the table. I'm not ready to start injections again. I'm not ready for doctor's appointments again. I'm not ready for disappointment again. I was bluffing. I'm not ready to go all in.
Which brings up emotion number two. If this is the real period, do I want to wait twenty-eight days (or longer) before starting again? Will I regret not calling the RE two weeks from now? Three weeks from now? What if this next IVF is the one? I may not be ready, but can I wait?
I have to be honest with myself. We need to wait. Emotionally my husband and I are still healing from our cancelled cycle. It feels too soon. I'm angry. I'm angry that I'm not ready. I'm angry that I have to make these decisions. My only decision around fertility should be choosing to be on top or on bottom. I'm angry with my body. Mostly I'm angry with this whole process. Everytime I start to get closer to "OK", everytime I think I have things figured out, something yanks me right back to "not OK".
I should be happy. A real period is hope. A real period is moving on. A real period is trying again. There's only one problem. I'm not ready. It's easy to complain about being left out of the game when no one is asking you to ante up and put the chips on the table. I'm not ready to start injections again. I'm not ready for doctor's appointments again. I'm not ready for disappointment again. I was bluffing. I'm not ready to go all in.
Which brings up emotion number two. If this is the real period, do I want to wait twenty-eight days (or longer) before starting again? Will I regret not calling the RE two weeks from now? Three weeks from now? What if this next IVF is the one? I may not be ready, but can I wait?
I have to be honest with myself. We need to wait. Emotionally my husband and I are still healing from our cancelled cycle. It feels too soon. I'm angry. I'm angry that I'm not ready. I'm angry that I have to make these decisions. My only decision around fertility should be choosing to be on top or on bottom. I'm angry with my body. Mostly I'm angry with this whole process. Everytime I start to get closer to "OK", everytime I think I have things figured out, something yanks me right back to "not OK".
9 comments:
Hi Megan,
I think that you have to do what feels right for you. Infertility is a long and exhausting journey. Sometimes it is good to take a break, particularly if you are going to return to treatment in a month or two.
I loved your video clip!
I have been where you are...and there is no right or wrong answer. I just hope that what ever answer you do decide on, that it will be the right one for you.
I feel ya honey. I was just thinking..if this cycle didnt work, do I want to jump right into another one? Can I handle the injections AGAIN? There are sooooo many "what ifs" I freakin hate it.
Whatever you decide to do has to be right for you and your hubby. No one else. Take a deep breath(easier said than done I know) it'll work out one way or another.
Megan,
I'm glad that you got your period. Even if you aren't ready emotionally to try again, getting your period is a good thing. And if you aren't ready then you just aren't ready, hon. Don't feel guilty about it. You will be soon and when you are the time will be right.
Well, maybe you could explore the top or bottom option for a month (with no expectations and no pressure) or until the anger goes away a little. But whatever you do, don't feel guilty. You're running the show...
What if's are useless. If you insist on going that route, start with "what if I get run over by a truck tomorrow?" so you can start from the worst...
I'm always hearing my bio clock ticking... every month counts, and all that... . If it weren't for that, I'd also take a break.
Thanks for visiting my silly blog.
((HUGS))
You must be in my head. I feel this way too. I have been on break but now I find myself to get back in the game. It is scary and it is unfair! ((HUGS))
I completely understand. Completely. In my experience, even though I don't feel quite ready for the next step, I take it. More times than not, I am ready by the time it gets here.
I read back in your blog and just an FYI, I had severe OHSS and my RE went ahead with ER and I got SICK. I wish, even though I see how hard it is for you, that I had been able (offered at least) to scrap the cycle.
Best wishes for a new cycle, when your ready.
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