I would like to submit a new infertility related acronym. BFA or Big F*cking Abyss. That is where I am right now. No BFP. No BFN. Just BFA. I've been there since the middle of October, that's five months and counting.
What is BFA?
When you're in the BFA you might get your period, you might not. You might even take a pee-stick pregnancy test just for shits and giggles. But when you are in the BFA there is no way you are getting pregnant because you are not doing anything to get pregnant (except maybe have sex, but we all know that doesn't work.)
How do you get to a BFA?
There are many paths to a BFA. Maybe you have run out of money. Maybe you are saving money. Maybe you are having medical procedures to prepare your body to IVF or to IUI or to *gasp* try naturally. Maybe you are taking a break from medical procedures to save your sanity. Maybe you are in a never ending cycle of cancelled cycles. *raises hand* Maybe you are waiting for a spouse to get on board with treatments. The point is, there is no way you are getting pregnant because you are not doing anything to get pregnant.
What does BFA feel like?
I can only speak for myself. I entered the BFA after months of unsuccessful trying to conceive with Clomid. I felt like I had just jumped from a moving vehicle with a reckless driver who had been drinking a little. I was so relieved. I was kissing the ground, so glad to be out of the car and alive, if a little sore and bruised.
But then I got up, brushed myself off and realized that I was not where I wanted to be. I was on the other side of town. I hailed a cab and hopped in, but the cab driver (stoopid RE) didn't speak the same language as me and I couldn't seem to get where I needed to go. I finally told him to stop the car and paid my fare, but I still wasn't anywhere near where I needed to be.
In fact, I felt farther away than ever. Now I'm walking along a dusty road, not making much progress, but hoping I'm moving in the right direction. My feet are getting swollen and blistered and I just want to sit down and rest.
At first the BFA wasn't so bad, but now it is really starting to wear on me. This BFA is almost as bad as the succession of BFNs that proceeded it. I know I'm not alone in this abyss. I know I have a lot of BFA sisters who understand how much it sucks and that helps.
14 comments:
I hope a killer car picks you up this time and drives you outta the BFA.
I was there for months after my miscarriage. Didn't help having a friend kill himself in there either.
Thinking of you...
You're so right with this post. The BFA is, at times, just as bad as a string of BFNs. And suffering through countless canceled cycles truly sucks! I've often felt like, hello? Can I just get a fucking chance to get pregnant? Just a chance is all I'm asking for? I know you get that. I'm sorry you're hanging out in the BFA - maybe you can take some mind altering drugs to make the experience more pleasant. Kidding. But, that picture you posted IS kinda trippy.
Thinking of you.
The BFA is crap, I hope your new RE has the ability to read a map and will get you to your destination without any more detours.
Yes I think this describes me PERFECTLY!!!!!!
Oh my, I laughed out loud at this and then almost cried - that's how right on it is.
I was in the BFA for so long before I started cycling again that it's now looking like I've run out of time and am too old to get pregnant. And though I'll probably do one more cycle for kicks and giggles (OK, and closure) I'll then move on to the BFA of arranging a donor cycle and/or adopting. So I can totally relate.
Thanks for the great new word - and I hope your new cab driver has GPS!
Great term! BFA is such a drag. I was there for 4 months before this past cycle, and hated every sad, anxious, 'let's get this show on the road' minute of it.
You are unbelieveably creative! What a trip! I hope you find yourself scaling the walls of the abyss soon!
Thanks for your kind words on my blog~it has been so wonderful.
~nicole
Oh, Megan. You are such a smart cookie. Yes, the BFA sucks ass.
Thanks for the mention.
And yeah, I'm staring into the big fat abyss myself for a good few months more. Can totally relate - and great analogy.
OMG. that is perfect. Since seeing our RE for the first time in Jan. she told us to hold off ttc until a dx. for testing purposes. as nice as those breaks were from the physical and mental aspects it got to a point where I feel time is a wasting. I am currently waiting for Auntie to come and visit. I've sent her mental messages saying she could come sooner if she pleased. didnt work. BFA. It's nearing end of March and it's been three months since we have be able to try. 90 long days. When we did get the dx I was given a vitamin cocktail for MTHFR and told to do it the old fashion way. We would deal with the UU after I became pregnant, if I became pregnant. I'm ready to get the turkey baster out.
Oh, yeah - I'm just getting in the Lupron cab from my walk through the BFA after my last miscarriage in November. We had to wait to do our FET when our clinic does IVF cycles again, which is 4 times a year.
It's not his fault, but I coulda just beat him for organizing his practice that way. Poor RE, he really tries, but he has me to deal with.
I'm thinking of you..... your new cab ride is gonna be much better.
BFA is the perfect word for where so many of us find ourselves. Your description of what it feels like to be here is spot on - like you took my feelings and put them into an interesting and very descriptive way. At this point, all I can come up with is "This sucks. I don't feel good."
Hope you catch a ride to teh good side soon.
I have so been there in BFA-land...I love that new term! Hmmmm, I've had several reasons for the BFA: dh lost his job and we couldn't afford treatments, had to wait on surgery, and just recently...I had what they thought was an endometrioma, so I had to wait out 3 cycles.
BFA stinks...it's like living life on hold. Who wants that?
Hang in there..life induces changein some way eventually. At least that's what I tell myself!
Eve ICLW!
BFA. Hell yeah.
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