I would like to submit a new infertility related acronym. BFA or Big F*cking Abyss. That is where I am right now. No BFP. No BFN. Just BFA. I've been there since the middle of October, that's five months and counting.
What is BFA?
When you're in the BFA you might get your period, you might not. You might even take a pee-stick pregnancy test just for shits and giggles. But when you are in the BFA there is no way you are getting pregnant because you are not doing anything to get pregnant (except maybe have sex, but we all know that doesn't work.)
How do you get to a BFA?
There are many paths to a BFA. Maybe you have run out of money. Maybe you are saving money. Maybe you are having medical procedures to prepare your body to IVF or to IUI or to *gasp* try naturally. Maybe you are taking a break from medical procedures to save your sanity. Maybe you are in a never ending cycle of cancelled cycles. *raises hand* Maybe you are waiting for a spouse to get on board with treatments. The point is, there is no way you are getting pregnant because you are not doing anything to get pregnant.
What does BFA feel like?
I can only speak for myself. I entered the BFA after months of unsuccessful trying to conceive with Clomid. I felt like I had just jumped from a moving vehicle with a reckless driver who had been drinking a little. I was so relieved. I was kissing the ground, so glad to be out of the car and alive, if a little sore and bruised.
But then I got up, brushed myself off and realized that I was not where I wanted to be. I was on the other side of town. I hailed a cab and hopped in, but the cab driver (stoopid RE) didn't speak the same language as me and I couldn't seem to get where I needed to go. I finally told him to stop the car and paid my fare, but I still wasn't anywhere near where I needed to be.
In fact, I felt farther away than ever. Now I'm walking along a dusty road, not making much progress, but hoping I'm moving in the right direction. My feet are getting swollen and blistered and I just want to sit down and rest.
At first the BFA wasn't so bad, but now it is really starting to wear on me. This BFA is almost as bad as the succession of BFNs that proceeded it. I know I'm not alone in this abyss. I know I have a lot of BFA sisters who understand how much it sucks and that helps.