Goodbye 2008

The new year starts tomorrow. My present state of mind is that I will have either be pregnant or have a child by the time 2009 ends. I know it's dangerous to think that way. I still haven't learned not to get my hopes up. I felt the same way a year ago about 2008 and it didn't happen. I could very well be in the same childless situation a year from now (except more battered, cynical, and wise.)

I can't help it though. I still have hope. I still have certainty that this baby thing will happen for me. I try not to admit it to myself, and I certainly don't say it out loud, but the hope and certainty are still there.

I never thought...

I never thought that I would have problems getting pregnant.
I never thought that I would have a miscarriage.
I never thought that I would check my cervical mucus.
I never thought that I would check my cervical mucus in a bathroom stall at work.
I never thought that I would go to a male "lady doctor".
I never thought that I would get sick of having sex with my husband.
I never thought that I would tell my husband to masturbate and just call me in for the "finale".
I never thought that I would cry at work.
I never thought that I would do IVF.
I never thought that I would get a shot in a fitting room at Target while shopping the day after Thanksgiving.
I never thought that I would get fertility drugs as a birthday present.
I never thought that my husband would turn forty before we had a baby.

I STILL think that I will get pregnant and have a healthy baby some day.

The Why Project

OK so I'm infertile, in my thirties, and live in the suburbs. Just to be even more cliche, I also scrapbook. Of course, I don't have a kid to scrapbook about so I really don't fit in with the cropping crowd at the local scrapbook store. (Actually that's unfair to say since I've never been, but I can imagine.) I've decided to scrapbook a diary for 2009. I feel like this could be a stressful year and I need an outlet. Here's the first page...

Looking for AF

Infertility can be a real mind fuck. I’ve spent the last year and a half hoping and praying that my period doesn’t come. Now I’m like a high school cheerleader three weeks after prom, praying for my period to start.

I haven’t had my period since the middle of November. That might not sound like much time to some, but I am a very regular 28 day girl, and I have the charts to prove it. Even though we haven’t even discussed my next IVF cycle with my doctor, I know this is one milestone I have to reach before I can move on. When, when when will my period start?

I’m back to the doctor’s tomorrow. Another flipping ultrasound and more blood work. I think all doctors should institute a punch card system ala Subway. Nine ultrasounds and your tenth is free!!! Please, please, please let me have made some progress toward getting back to normal.

Husbands Suck

OK, I have to rant a little about my husband. Let me preface this by saying that I love my husband more than anyone else in the world and he is a very good husband. But he is definitely not romantic. I don't have a touching engagement story. There were no sentimental moments on our wedding day. He simply does not have that gene and most times I am fine with that.

Generally we do not exchange Christmas presents, mostly because we are too practical. We are like a lot of people and if we want something, we buy it. The things we don't buy, the things that we would want as gifts, we cannot afford. This year we went on a vacation to NYC for Christmas, and I don't know why, but I really thought that he would surprise me with a special present. It just seemed like such an appropriate thing for him to do after all I have been through this year.

Now let's discuss this for a minute. My husband has been very supportive during this IVF journey. He goes to appointments with me, he gives me all my shots, and he babies me when I don't feel well. (However, I do have to admit that after every shot he has an annoying habit of saying, "That wasn't so bad," to which I always respond, "OK, then let's do you now.") Also, this has been difficult for him to deal with emotionally.

But let's face it...I think this whole IVF thing is so much harder for the woman. I am dealing with emotional and physical issues. I have to take the time off work to go to countless doctors appointments. I'm the one who has had all sorts of instruments, dyes, solutions, and probes shoved up my vagina. I'm the one who has been getting shots everyday for over a month now. I'm the one on the hormones.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I just thought that giving me a special Christmas present this year would be a nice way for him to acknowledge and thank me for all I have been through. Because mostly that is what I am looking for from him, and that is what I feel I am missing; acknowledgement and thanks.

Frustration

I am so annoyed. I had an appointment today and I am still not really recovering from my OHSS. I am supposed to be leaving for vacation today and now my RE has me very freaked out about even going. All I want to hear is that I am getting better and I can move on to my next cycle. Now I am concerned if there will even be a next cycle, and I am too scared to ask. I am too scared that I they will tell me that I'm no longer a good candidate for IVF. With my husbands issues I feel that IVF is our only option.

Plus, we are supposed to be going to NYC and Chicago and the weather is not cooperating. I guess nothing is going right this year. I am so ready for 2009!

My Funniest IF Moment

So, I just have to get this story out. My RE is an older gentleman, the archetypal grandpa. He is forever starting inane conversations about stuff I could care less about, especially since I am generally in a hurry to get back to work. So I’m sitting up on the table waiting for an ultrasound. He comes in, puts the condom on the probe (no love with no glove, right? ) and lubes it up. All the while he talking about the unseasonably cold weather and how it was much colder in Chicago where he grew up. So while he’s talking he shaking this thing (which let’s face it, is just a high tech dildo) and using it to gesture and make points. I felt like I was on candid camera. It was so bizarre.

So hubby and I are off to NYC and Chicago for Christmas. I hope the weather is not too bad.

Christmas is Coming! Woo freakin' hoo!

Ahhh Christmas. Last year I was still recovering emotionally from my miscarriage and I didn’t put up the tree. This year I put the tree up before Thanksgiving, but I don’t bother turning the lights on anymore. I thought I would be spending Christmas in the middle of a two week wait after IVF…sigh. Hopefully my doctor will clear me to drink for the holidays. I find that drinking at family functions serves two purposes. First, it makes everyone, including me, much more amusing and I sleep like a dream. Second, it stops people from thinking, wondering, or asking if I am pregnant. I really miss margaritas, and wine, and even beer.

On the bright side, I have finished my Christmas shopping! I won’t see the mall again until the new year! I have been so irritable and moody today. Hopefully that means that my estrogen levels are finally starting to go down. Something is definitely going on hormonally. It is not natural to accuse your husband of intentionally finding the bumpiest roads to drive on…and then crying about it. Um yeah…he is avoiding me this afternoon.

Hubby is doing the Christmas cards. He thought it was funny to buy STL Cardinals Christmas cards this year. Joke's on him, now he has to send them out. All I have left to do is wrap gifts, which I don't mind doing.

Ovaries the Size of a Baby's Head

I had an appointment on Friday. I officially have OHSS.

I really like the nurses in my office, expect one. I feel like she is bound and determined to make me cry every time I talk to her, telling me how sorry she is, how it's not fair...and on and on and on. I grew up in Iowa. I prefer we all just be professional, ignore our problems, and push those emotions down into the pit of our stomachs until we develop some sort of cancer or ulcer.

Seriously though, all I am interested in is what we are going to do next. Apparently we can't discuss that until these follicles have shrunk. I am ready...my ovaries do not hurt much, but my boobs hurt like a MF. They hurt so much I wake up at night if I roll over onto my stomach. RE said that my ovaries were the size of a baby's head, which I thought was a nice, sensitive analogy.

I am struggling with my RE. At first I hated him (he calls me "honey"), then he grew on me, but now I am struggling again. Part of it is my fault. I don't ask him enough questions, but I really don't know what to ask most times. I thought I would just do what he told me and I'd get pregnant. I guess it is time to get educated now, understand the process better and maybe I will feel more comfortable. In some ways I am hesitant to get a second opinion because I am scared I will have to do more testing which will just slow me down. On the other hand I don't want to be in this same situation in six months. Oh, what to do...

Top Ten Things that are Unfair about my Cancelled IVF Cycle

1. I have a $15k lifetime max for infertility insurance and now half has been used before I even get to egg retrieval (apologies to those with no insurance).
2. I still have to do lupron shots every morning for two weeks or I might ovulate and die apparently.
3. My ovaries hurt like a MF.
4. I have to look at my bruised belly every morning…a nice reminder of happier shots.
5. I have to be positive for my husband because he has lost hope.
6. I am one step closer to being one of “those” people with 8 or 9 failed IVFs under their belt and still no baby. (No offense to “those” people…you are my heroes and my biggest fear.)
7. Maternity leave is at least another month or two (or more???) away.
8. Since we started IVF my RE has been in my vagina more than my husband.
9. Last AF I naively bought the small box of tampons since I thought it would be my last one for awhile…
10. I’d like to buy myself something nice, but I’m too scared to spend money I might need for IVF cycles.

Infertility Acceptance

Hi, I'm Megan and I'm infertile. This last Friday my first IVF cycle was cancelled. I'm bitter, I'm depressed, and I've decided that the only thing to do is what other bitter, depressed, infertile women do...blog about it.

Here's my history. My husband (DH if you are into the abreviation thing...another thing I thought I'd never do...) and I started TTC in May of 2007. We tried for three months and nothing. Frustrated, I peed on my first OPK. Bingo! I got pregnant. Four months trying didn't seem so bad in retrospect. Conceiving is easy!!! Well, eight weeks later I had an ultrasound. No baby. Blighted ovum...does that even count as a pregnancy???

Determined to move on I scheduled a D&C. We waited a couple months. When we started trying again we went straight to the OPK, no screwing around this time (except for the screwing around). First month, BFN. Second month, BFN. Third month, BFN. Fourth month (gotta work this time...that's how long it took before)...BFN. I think I see a pattern here.

Well, hubby went for a SA on his own (he really wants kids). Low sperm count, low motility, low this, low that. (I guess all those years of "pull and pray" were unnecessary.) Moving on we found an RE on the internet who was in our insurance plan. DH did another semen analysis and I started testing (Why does his testing involve jerking off and my testing involve inserting various utensils and injecting various fluids into my privates?)

In the meantime I did the Clomid thing for four months (I have no idea what the point of that was since it wasn't going to help DH sperm and my testing was normal.) Clomid is evil. First of all, the pills taste awful. Secondly, all I can say is the closest thing to hell is a Clomid hot flash.

That pretty much brings us up to IVF. Our miracle. The procedure that was going to work. Sure there would be shots and a couple unplesant procedures, but in the end we would have a baby (preferably twins, preferably both boys, oh and if you could make them blond, blue eyed, and sickingly adorable too, please.) How f-ing naive were we?

So we started...I took BCPs for the first time in my life (insert obligatory comment about the irony of that). I filled syringes each night like I was playing nurse. Hubby gave me shots. Baseline ultrasound...beautiful. It's a go for stims. Five days of Follistim (a breeze by the way). Now another ultrasound and everything is a blur. Follicles too big, E2 levels too high, phone call, cancelled cycle, crying at work again, no water or solid food for a week.

And that's where we are. I have another ultrasound this Friday to see if I am recovering... At this point I have no idea what our next steps are.

But I have now accepted my infertility.