Thursday, January 20, 2011

Emails from the Subconscious

Every once in awhile I get an email from my husband that goes something like this:

To: Wife
From: Husband
Subject: [Blank]

Great. A new school year and three women came back pregnant from summer break.


To: Wife
From: Husband
Subject: [Blank]

I’m so sick of seeing people’s baby and grandbaby pictures.

It’s hard for me to believe that these emails are even coming from him. I imagine that he’s sitting in his office in some sort of trance and his subconscious starts directing his fingers to type out these little messages. His brain (or heart?) is sending me little subliminal electronic clues…”We’re hurting, Megan. We just wanted to let you know.” My husband keeps his hurt concealed. As much as I prod and ask leading questions, he has yet to tell me face to face, heart to heart, how much pain he is in.

There are other clues too. Several months ago I went to the emergency room with a gall bladder attack. I was lying on a bed in a makeshift curtained off room in agonizing pain. A nurse came in to draw some blood and left. As soon as she left I heard my husband say under his breath, “bitch”. Now my husband and I are huge potty mouths. We curse a lot in the privacy of our own home (really no reason not to), but hubby is not generally in the habit of randomly calling women offensive names. I asked him what happened and he responded, “Didn’t you see? She’s pregnant.”

Well, I’m not proud of it or anything, but I’ve certainly thought the same thing in my head as I see random pregnant women walking about or random skinny women walking about for that matter. However, I generally keep those thoughts to myself. After all, it’s not nice.

It’s almost like the pain that he works so hard to keep inside bubbles up every once in awhile and he just can’t keep it in. It bubbles up enough to remind me that I’m not in this alone. It bubbles up enough to let me know that he’s not as OK as he’d like me to believe. It bubbles up enough to make me wonder if he will ever be OK.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Goodbye Hello

So I'm a little late for the end of the year wrap up, but if you'll indulge me I'll post a bit of a goodbye to 2010 before I say hello to 2011.

Mostly when I think of this past year I can't believe it all happened.  All the doctor's appointments, shots, acupuncture appointments, and trips to the pharmacy have become foreign to me again.  I find myself thinking about the "treatment time" in my life with a sense of wonder.  Did that just happen?  Did I really do all that?  Was that really my life? 

It's funny what some time and distance will do for the mind.  However, while I can say that time has healed some of my wounds from treatments; it has not healed my longing for a child. 

So I would like this video to represent closure, but obviously I still can't stop leaving that question mark at the end. 

That's the good bye to 2010.  Now on to the hello.

I have caught resolution fever pretty bad this year.  I am usually not one for resolutions, but I feel like I let this past year happen to me.  I didn't feel like an active participant in my life.  So I am resolving to do more living and get more done.

That means a lot of things; getting healthier, being more engaged at work, getting my house organized, and spending more time on creative endeavors.  There has to be more to life than working and watching TV. 

I kept an art journal in 2009 documenting my infertility treatments.  I kept no journal in 2010.  This year I intend to keep a "goal journal" to hold myself accountable to my goals and document my progress.  It will probably be a bit artsy again.

In other news, I'm happy to announce that we have added another member to our family.  A rescued golden retriever puppy who came to us just before Christmas.  We named him Lou.  After a few days of being bitter, Bo has turned into a great big brother.

I wish everyone a happy new year.  I hope to be posting more as I think I am going to have a lot more to say...
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