Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Is This Blog Dead?

Why do infertility bloggers stop blogging?

Scenario A:  They have a baby and move on.
Scenario B:  They give up on having a baby and move on.

So where have I been?  Do either of these scenarios apply to me?  Well, "Scenario A" definitely does not apply.  No baby here, that hasn't changed.  Does "Scenario B" apply?  Not really.  I still hear the whisper.  I still think about my lack of babyhood daily.  I still think about this blog almost daily.  I still compose posts in my head while I drive, while I walk, while I work.  For some reason I just haven't been able to put fingers to keyboard and get my thoughts digitized.

Work has been incredibly busy.  Twelve hour days and working on the weekend has become the "new normal" for me.  Lately at work I have wondered how the hell I did my job and IVF at the same time.  Right now I can't imagine fitting appointments, mood swings, bloating, and general-icky-feeling-ness into my very full work day. 

I control how busy I am at work to some extent.  I control how much I delegate and how much I do myself.  I can influence what projects I chose to take on.  I can manage the expectations of my boss which determines how hard I push myself and my team.  So I wonder how much of my work busy-ness is a self imposed coping mechanism.

Between you, me, and anyone that reads this blog, when I was doing IVF I definitely did not work hard.  My IVF work days went something like this:

7:00 - 9:00  Google, Read blogs, or Write a blog post
9:00 - 11:00 Finish the things that ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO GET DONE to prevent losing my job
11:00 - 1:00 Doctor's Appointments, Run to Wholefoods for supplements, or Phone call to pharmacy and/or insurance company
1:00-3:00 Find someone to gossip with, maybe do more work, obsess over possibly losing job
3:00-4:00 Stare at clock until 4 (which is the earliest acceptable time to go home)
***Sprinkle in meetings as necessary

So what gives now?  Am I paying for my previously lax schedule?  Is it guilt for previously wasting company time?  Am I trying to fill my days with something more productive?  Coming from a Midwestern blue collar/agricultural background, hard work has been the answer to most questions.  I come from a long line of workaholics.  If work is the cure...then I'm on my way.
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