I think I am coming down with New Age Syndrome. I have been meditating pretty regularly now.
I have been sending bad thoughts about my ovaries down golden cords into the earth while sucking in good thoughts from the divine.
I have been breathing pink sparkly light into my heart space and using it to scrub away the dark patches of emotions about my fertility.
At a somewhat heated business meeting yesterday I told someone that they needed to take some deep meditative breaths. (Yes, yes, I really did this. The words just came out.)
And something strange is happening to me.
I feel better.
I feel more calm.
I feel more (dare I say it) centered.
So I'm cranking things up a notch and I purchased a new meditation CD specifically geared toward IVF.
Here are the tracks:
Track 1: Hitting Your Mark! From shots to retrieval
Track 2: Rest and Rejuvenate - between retrieval and transfer
Track 3: Baby's Sweet Spot! From Transfer to Implantation (week 1 of 2 week wait)
Track 4: The Waiting Game! From Implantation to Pregnancy Test (week 2 of 2 week wait)
I just can't wait to get started. I refuse to listen to any track until I am actually at that part of my cycle. I mean...this stuff is so powerful that they caution you on the CD jacket not to listen to the CD while you are driving!
I hope that the changes I recognize in my emotional well being are being mirrored in my body, specifically my ovaries. But if not, I'll be satisfied if meditation can just keep me sane this cycle.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Infertility Doula
Wanted: Infertility Doula*
Duties Include:
+Making doctor's appointments and rescheduling doctor's appointments when they suddenly conflict with important business meetings
+Printing directions to new doctor's offices
+Price shopping for cheap drugs and ensuring that all needed medications are ordered, received, and stored properly
+Asking questions at doctor's appointments when I can't talk AND hold in tears at the same time
+Handle all interactions with IVF coordinators regarding items not limited to protocol calendars and shot instructions
+Research new protocols and suggest best route to pregnancy
Date Needed: Immediately
Starting Salary: uh yeah, I'm a little income challenged right now
*The word "doula" comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves" and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period.
Duties Include:
+Making doctor's appointments and rescheduling doctor's appointments when they suddenly conflict with important business meetings
+Printing directions to new doctor's offices
+Price shopping for cheap drugs and ensuring that all needed medications are ordered, received, and stored properly
+Asking questions at doctor's appointments when I can't talk AND hold in tears at the same time
+Handle all interactions with IVF coordinators regarding items not limited to protocol calendars and shot instructions
+Research new protocols and suggest best route to pregnancy
Date Needed: Immediately
Starting Salary: uh yeah, I'm a little income challenged right now
*The word "doula" comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves" and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Maxed Out
I apologize in advance for this post. If you don’t have insurance coverage for fertility treatments this post is going to read like a beauty queen complaining that it’s hard to be so pretty. If you don’t have insurance coverage please feel free to quit reading, my complaints will only annoy you (and rightfully so).
With my insurance I have a maximum amount to spend for treatments and a different maximum amount to spend for prescriptions. Because I have now had two cancelled IVF cycles, and because I now require a dump truck full of drugs to coax my ovaries into producing sub par eggs, I have now…(wait for it)… maxed out on my insurance prescription coverage!!! Let’s have a moment of silence please…
I have been in a pharmacy death spiral the past week; shopping my prescription needs around from pharmacy to pharmacy. This one has the best out of pocket prices, but that one takes my insurance so that I can eek out every last cent of coverage. And on and on and on.
Finally I have determined that my drugs will cost me about $3000 this cycle.
The good news…I foresaw this and budgeted $3500.
The bad news…My drugs are going to cost me $3000.
And that brings us to the insurance word problem of the day. Hubby’s work is going through open enrollment right now. His insurance would cover half of my meds (no coverage for procedures), but would cost us an additional $100 a month. However, his insurance would not go into effect in time for this cycle. I could only use his insurance for future cycles. So my choices are:
A.Sign up for his insurance which would be tantamount to admitting that this cycle will fail and I will have a need AND a desire for more IVF cycling this year.
B.Don’t sign up for his insurance and pay OOP for all future IVF cycle meds; assuming I would need them of course (wink wink nudge nudge).
I’m choosing B. I'm choosing optimism. But I think it totally sucks that I have to make this decision right now.
Insurance and money and paying out of pocket and dealing with insurance companies and saving money and blowing through savings and the economy just makes this stressful and emotional time MORE stressful and emotional.
And it’s just not fair.
I know. I know. I’m preaching to the choir.
With my insurance I have a maximum amount to spend for treatments and a different maximum amount to spend for prescriptions. Because I have now had two cancelled IVF cycles, and because I now require a dump truck full of drugs to coax my ovaries into producing sub par eggs, I have now…(wait for it)… maxed out on my insurance prescription coverage!!! Let’s have a moment of silence please…
I have been in a pharmacy death spiral the past week; shopping my prescription needs around from pharmacy to pharmacy. This one has the best out of pocket prices, but that one takes my insurance so that I can eek out every last cent of coverage. And on and on and on.
Finally I have determined that my drugs will cost me about $3000 this cycle.
The good news…I foresaw this and budgeted $3500.
The bad news…My drugs are going to cost me $3000.
And that brings us to the insurance word problem of the day. Hubby’s work is going through open enrollment right now. His insurance would cover half of my meds (no coverage for procedures), but would cost us an additional $100 a month. However, his insurance would not go into effect in time for this cycle. I could only use his insurance for future cycles. So my choices are:
A.Sign up for his insurance which would be tantamount to admitting that this cycle will fail and I will have a need AND a desire for more IVF cycling this year.
B.Don’t sign up for his insurance and pay OOP for all future IVF cycle meds; assuming I would need them of course (wink wink nudge nudge).
I’m choosing B. I'm choosing optimism. But I think it totally sucks that I have to make this decision right now.
Insurance and money and paying out of pocket and dealing with insurance companies and saving money and blowing through savings and the economy just makes this stressful and emotional time MORE stressful and emotional.
And it’s just not fair.
I know. I know. I’m preaching to the choir.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Officially on the Calendar
Today is the first day of my IVF calendar. Today I start crossing off the days and weeks that will lead up to stimulation, retrieval, and hopefully beyond. I have been waiting for this day for weeks, staring at the paper on the refrigerator, taking it all in, mentally preparing for the process. I have been excited. I have felt optimistic. There has been no IVF fatigue this time. This cycle has felt different.
Then this weekend happened...
It all started with Mo's bad news and then Susan's bad news, a one-two punch to the gut that stayed on my mind long after I closed my laptop.
Then Saturday Tony and I woke at six to drive to a nearby state park. We wanted to get in an early hike and beat the heat. The internet described the trail as a seven mile loop that could be shortened to a four mile hike by using a connector trail. We intended to complete the four mile hike...
Instead we hiked for four hours on poorly marked trails which were so muddy (even though we've had no rain) that I lost a shoe no less than three times. The trail led us to a stream and we could see the trail continue on the other side leaving us no choice but to wade through water up to my calves I found myself laughing and crying at the same time.
Instead of rediscovering my sense of well being in nature I came home with sore muscles, ruined shoes, two ticks, and a husband who quite possibly might never hike with me again.
Today was no better. I have spent most of the day angry for no apparent reason. I've been angry in a PMS sort of way. I've been angry in a "I just injected myself with a bunch of hormones" sort of way. I've been angry with the sort of anger that while you are snapping and snarling at your loved ones there is a little voice in the back of your mind telling you that you are being irrational. The problem is that I have yet to inject myself with anything and if this is PMS it's going to be a slow painful road to my period in two weeks.
When I was putting away groceries this afternoon I banged my head on the freezer door. Then proceeded to slam the freezer door, slam the refrigerator door and when my husband asked me what was wrong, I yelled, "I've always hated this f-ing refrigerator. The f-ing freezer door won't close when you want it to and when you want it to stay open it f-ing closes and I bang my f-ing head."
Oh...and I've been constipated and gassy all weekend too.
But on the bright side, I'm on the calendar. On to day two...
Then this weekend happened...
It all started with Mo's bad news and then Susan's bad news, a one-two punch to the gut that stayed on my mind long after I closed my laptop.
Then Saturday Tony and I woke at six to drive to a nearby state park. We wanted to get in an early hike and beat the heat. The internet described the trail as a seven mile loop that could be shortened to a four mile hike by using a connector trail. We intended to complete the four mile hike...
Instead we hiked for four hours on poorly marked trails which were so muddy (even though we've had no rain) that I lost a shoe no less than three times. The trail led us to a stream and we could see the trail continue on the other side leaving us no choice but to wade through water up to my calves I found myself laughing and crying at the same time.
Instead of rediscovering my sense of well being in nature I came home with sore muscles, ruined shoes, two ticks, and a husband who quite possibly might never hike with me again.
Today was no better. I have spent most of the day angry for no apparent reason. I've been angry in a PMS sort of way. I've been angry in a "I just injected myself with a bunch of hormones" sort of way. I've been angry with the sort of anger that while you are snapping and snarling at your loved ones there is a little voice in the back of your mind telling you that you are being irrational. The problem is that I have yet to inject myself with anything and if this is PMS it's going to be a slow painful road to my period in two weeks.
When I was putting away groceries this afternoon I banged my head on the freezer door. Then proceeded to slam the freezer door, slam the refrigerator door and when my husband asked me what was wrong, I yelled, "I've always hated this f-ing refrigerator. The f-ing freezer door won't close when you want it to and when you want it to stay open it f-ing closes and I bang my f-ing head."
Oh...and I've been constipated and gassy all weekend too.
But on the bright side, I'm on the calendar. On to day two...
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
No Resolution?
Jumping off from a post Murgdan made today...
When I first started blogging and reading blogs; no one was pregnant. I’m not ashamed to admit that in those beginning months if I came across the blog of a pregnant lady I did not add it to my reading list.
A month or two later a handful of ladies whose blogs I had been reading became pregnant. Some had miscarriages. Some are now approaching their third trimester. Each month a few more ladies crossed over to the other side, then more and more until I found myself in a peculiar situation.
I was a part of the infertility blogging community. I was not pregnant, but eighty percent of the blogs I followed were written by pregnant women. It got to the point that I thought of charging people to be added to my blog reader because it was a sure sign they would fall pregnant in a couple months.
I stopped looking at my reader everyday. It was too painful.
If you are pregnant or if you are still waiting like me, I know you can relate to that strange mix of emotions at being left behind.
Happiness for a woman that has made it to a viable pregnancy.
Hope that their success means that you might have success too.
Hurt for your own failures.
Anger that nothing has worked for you so far.
Guilt that you are not able to support a pregnant woman in the same way you can an infertile woman.
Envy as you see someone move on in a way you can’t.
Worry that you might never get there.
It is a toxic and confusing mixture of emotions. I’m sure if I was a pregnant infertile woman I could rearrange the words above and come out with the same mixture of emotions.
I’ve been trying to write this post for several weeks now, but I’ve hesitated. Partly because I didn’t want to alienate pregnant readers or somehow dampen their much deserved joy. Partly because I didn’t know how to end this post.
I still don’t know how to end this post. I still don’t know the answer. Maybe these feelings are just a fact of life. Maybe they just exist and there is no resolving them.
When I first started blogging and reading blogs; no one was pregnant. I’m not ashamed to admit that in those beginning months if I came across the blog of a pregnant lady I did not add it to my reading list.
A month or two later a handful of ladies whose blogs I had been reading became pregnant. Some had miscarriages. Some are now approaching their third trimester. Each month a few more ladies crossed over to the other side, then more and more until I found myself in a peculiar situation.
I was a part of the infertility blogging community. I was not pregnant, but eighty percent of the blogs I followed were written by pregnant women. It got to the point that I thought of charging people to be added to my blog reader because it was a sure sign they would fall pregnant in a couple months.
I stopped looking at my reader everyday. It was too painful.
If you are pregnant or if you are still waiting like me, I know you can relate to that strange mix of emotions at being left behind.
Happiness for a woman that has made it to a viable pregnancy.
Hope that their success means that you might have success too.
Hurt for your own failures.
Anger that nothing has worked for you so far.
Guilt that you are not able to support a pregnant woman in the same way you can an infertile woman.
Envy as you see someone move on in a way you can’t.
Worry that you might never get there.
It is a toxic and confusing mixture of emotions. I’m sure if I was a pregnant infertile woman I could rearrange the words above and come out with the same mixture of emotions.
I’ve been trying to write this post for several weeks now, but I’ve hesitated. Partly because I didn’t want to alienate pregnant readers or somehow dampen their much deserved joy. Partly because I didn’t know how to end this post.
I still don’t know how to end this post. I still don’t know the answer. Maybe these feelings are just a fact of life. Maybe they just exist and there is no resolving them.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Two Reviews for the Price of One
When I was a little girl I was into gymnastics BIG time. I once cartwheeled my way around an amusement park. No joke, my hands were black from the asphalt.
I remember one day sitting on my grandparent's kitchen floor showing off my flexibility to my grandfather as he drank his tea. He told me a story about a boy who was very strong and could lift a newborn calf. As the calf grew, the boy grew and the boy continued to lift the calf each day. Eventually, they became a cow and a man. And that man could still lift the full grown cow. The point (made in my grandfather's folksy way) was, of course that I should stretch each day and I would maintain my flexibility as I grew.
Well, my gymnastics teacher skipped town one day (a whole other story) and then life happened and I am now very, very inflexible. This is a big reason why in the past yoga and me have not mixed. But as I've mentioned before I wanted to try a fertility yoga program. Partly in order to try out it's healing properties as it relates to my reproductive parts and partly because the idea of stretching and posing in the morning is much more appealing than climbing onto my elliptical machine.
So I bought this one. It's not too bad. The instructor is in a pleasant looking garden. She has a soothing voice. There is nice music. The moves seem pretty basic, of course I can't do them, but someone who can stand and touch their fingers to the floor would have no problems. Sometimes the production is so low on some of these videos that it can be distracting, but not so with this video. It looks very professional. So if you are looking for a fertility yoga tape, this is a possibility. Oh yeah, does it get you pregnant? How would I know?
Now for the second review. Tony and I went to see the movie "Funny People" today. I had my reservations about going because the movie has been advertised so heavily. I have a theory that if a movie is good word of mouth is advertisement enough. I was right. The movie was awful. I wanted to walk out thirty minutes in. Adam Sandler owes me two and a half hours of my life back.
I remember one day sitting on my grandparent's kitchen floor showing off my flexibility to my grandfather as he drank his tea. He told me a story about a boy who was very strong and could lift a newborn calf. As the calf grew, the boy grew and the boy continued to lift the calf each day. Eventually, they became a cow and a man. And that man could still lift the full grown cow. The point (made in my grandfather's folksy way) was, of course that I should stretch each day and I would maintain my flexibility as I grew.
Well, my gymnastics teacher skipped town one day (a whole other story) and then life happened and I am now very, very inflexible. This is a big reason why in the past yoga and me have not mixed. But as I've mentioned before I wanted to try a fertility yoga program. Partly in order to try out it's healing properties as it relates to my reproductive parts and partly because the idea of stretching and posing in the morning is much more appealing than climbing onto my elliptical machine.
So I bought this one. It's not too bad. The instructor is in a pleasant looking garden. She has a soothing voice. There is nice music. The moves seem pretty basic, of course I can't do them, but someone who can stand and touch their fingers to the floor would have no problems. Sometimes the production is so low on some of these videos that it can be distracting, but not so with this video. It looks very professional. So if you are looking for a fertility yoga tape, this is a possibility. Oh yeah, does it get you pregnant? How would I know?
Now for the second review. Tony and I went to see the movie "Funny People" today. I had my reservations about going because the movie has been advertised so heavily. I have a theory that if a movie is good word of mouth is advertisement enough. I was right. The movie was awful. I wanted to walk out thirty minutes in. Adam Sandler owes me two and a half hours of my life back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
