Sunday, August 9, 2009

Officially on the Calendar

Today is the first day of my IVF calendar. Today I start crossing off the days and weeks that will lead up to stimulation, retrieval, and hopefully beyond. I have been waiting for this day for weeks, staring at the paper on the refrigerator, taking it all in, mentally preparing for the process. I have been excited. I have felt optimistic. There has been no IVF fatigue this time. This cycle has felt different.

Then this weekend happened...

It all started with Mo's bad news and then Susan's bad news, a one-two punch to the gut that stayed on my mind long after I closed my laptop.

Then Saturday Tony and I woke at six to drive to a nearby state park. We wanted to get in an early hike and beat the heat. The internet described the trail as a seven mile loop that could be shortened to a four mile hike by using a connector trail. We intended to complete the four mile hike...

Instead we hiked for four hours on poorly marked trails which were so muddy (even though we've had no rain) that I lost a shoe no less than three times. The trail led us to a stream and we could see the trail continue on the other side leaving us no choice but to wade through water up to my calves I found myself laughing and crying at the same time.

Instead of rediscovering my sense of well being in nature I came home with sore muscles, ruined shoes, two ticks, and a husband who quite possibly might never hike with me again.

Today was no better. I have spent most of the day angry for no apparent reason. I've been angry in a PMS sort of way. I've been angry in a "I just injected myself with a bunch of hormones" sort of way. I've been angry with the sort of anger that while you are snapping and snarling at your loved ones there is a little voice in the back of your mind telling you that you are being irrational. The problem is that I have yet to inject myself with anything and if this is PMS it's going to be a slow painful road to my period in two weeks.

When I was putting away groceries this afternoon I banged my head on the freezer door. Then proceeded to slam the freezer door, slam the refrigerator door and when my husband asked me what was wrong, I yelled, "I've always hated this f-ing refrigerator. The f-ing freezer door won't close when you want it to and when you want it to stay open it f-ing closes and I bang my f-ing head."

Oh...and I've been constipated and gassy all weekend too.

But on the bright side, I'm on the calendar. On to day two...

18 comments:

Lorza said...

Sorry about the hormones! Yeah for being on the calender though..countdown has started!!! WOOO HOOOOO!!!!

Too funny about the hike- that is a funny/sucky circumstance. How long did it take you all together? I one time found a "community" moonlight saguaro hike in Phoenix, AZ when I worked out there. My husband was none too happy with me either. The dark, the bugs, and we saw gila monster in the distance. I don't think we have gone out on a nature hike since. Or anything nature-y.

:)

satto said...

how exciting to get started. I'm sorry that trail was so hard, but the beauty of it is IT'S OVER!!!

Melis.sa said...

i've been like that all week!!!!!!

hopefully tomorrow will be cd 1 (instead of another day of spotting) so that i can start my injectibles...........


gah!!

Eileen said...

YAY for getting started! I will keep everything crossed for you that this will be IT for you! Good luck!

The Unproductive One said...

All I can say is....stupid f-king refrigertor...it really should know better!

Oh and good luck!

xxx

Nicole said...

Oh Megan...what a weekend! I think I've been on that hike too!

Congrats on the IVF start--fingers and toes are crossed!

~hugs

'Murgdan' said...

Oh GAWD...been there. Sometimes the best intentions get us...well, in more trouble than if we'd have just stayed home.

Hang in there. Day 2...getting somewhere.

Pundelina said...

Argh, I am not a hiker so your description sent chills through me. And tics - eww!

I hope you feel better tomorrow. Hooray for Day 1 ... being over!

:o)

EWebey said...

YAY for starting your calendar..boo to stupid freezers..
There could be a metaphor lurking in your hike....You went in expecting easy/relaxing/coasting on through...Instead it was longer and harder....but you made it through.

the misfit said...

That hike sounds insane. On the other hand, you got your exercise for the month, right? I'm sorry to hear about the PMS or whatever. I hate that feeling. Maybe the injectibles will balance out...? (OK, but one can hope.)

Shinejil said...

I think I have been on that hike. Many, many times.

Ticks and constipation are a combo irritating enough to shatter anyone's cool.

IVF 40+ said...

Me too! I am at the beginning of my cycle almost and was upbeat and positive about the whole thing. then when I read the dreadful news this weekedn I was shocked and then furious. Poor DH is walking on eggshells.
Maybe this is how I express anxiety?

Kate said...

I think it's probably partly feeling scared and anxious after the latest news, and when you were feeling so good and positive before, it's a huge blow to have your emotions just turned upside down.
I've been feeling pretty scared too after the latest round of bad news. If it can happen to them this far along after things had been going so well, it can happen to anyone.
At least you took your physical frustrations out on the fridge, and not DH!
Sounds like a bit of a rotten day all around - hope the next days are better, and that you start feeling more optimistic as you get farther into your cycle.

strongblonde said...

:( sorry about the hike and the feelings of craziness....

but wahoo!!!! for starting. i loooooove crossing things out as i make progress :)

IF Optimist, then... said...

So glad to know you are on your calendar and working through the days. I am yet again delayed (damned cyts) and am going crazy. I hope that everything goes well for you and we are getting good news very soon.

womb for improvement said...

Things can only get better right?!

Jo said...

I am right there with you! I started BC on Sunday. I'll be following along and wishing you success with this cycle.

Hugs,
Jo

areyoukiddingme said...

If you live where I think you live, let me present you with an alternate explanation:

The freezer was just smacking you in the head for going hiking on a really f'ing hot and humid day. It wanted to let you know that it thinks you're foolish. :) However, now it's pissed, so you should really watch out next time you go in. It's bound to drop a large amount of frozen meat on your foot. God knows what the refrigerator section will do to you.

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