Tuesday, August 4, 2009

No Resolution?

Jumping off from a post Murgdan made today...

When I first started blogging and reading blogs; no one was pregnant. I’m not ashamed to admit that in those beginning months if I came across the blog of a pregnant lady I did not add it to my reading list.

A month or two later a handful of ladies whose blogs I had been reading became pregnant. Some had miscarriages. Some are now approaching their third trimester. Each month a few more ladies crossed over to the other side, then more and more until I found myself in a peculiar situation.

I was a part of the infertility blogging community. I was not pregnant, but eighty percent of the blogs I followed were written by pregnant women. It got to the point that I thought of charging people to be added to my blog reader because it was a sure sign they would fall pregnant in a couple months.

I stopped looking at my reader everyday. It was too painful.

If you are pregnant or if you are still waiting like me, I know you can relate to that strange mix of emotions at being left behind.


Happiness for a woman that has made it to a viable pregnancy.


Hope that their success means that you might have success too.


Hurt for your own failures.


Anger that nothing has worked for you so far.


Guilt that you are not able to support a pregnant woman in the same way you can an infertile woman.


Envy as you see someone move on in a way you can’t.


Worry that you might never get there.


It is a toxic and confusing mixture of emotions. I’m sure if I was a pregnant infertile woman I could rearrange the words above and come out with the same mixture of emotions.

I’ve been trying to write this post for several weeks now, but I’ve hesitated. Partly because I didn’t want to alienate pregnant readers or somehow dampen their much deserved joy. Partly because I didn’t know how to end this post.

I still don’t know how to end this post. I still don’t know the answer. Maybe these feelings are just a fact of life. Maybe they just exist and there is no resolving them.

67 comments:

lifebytheday said...

Man, do I know how you feel. I can't add anything helpful, except that I think your feelings are totally normal, and that no one - not even, I think, pregnant infertiles - would criticize you for that. I've JUST managed to get over that don't-add-any-pregnant-blogs hurdle, but it's definitely hard to feel like we're the only ones left on the dark side...

Jill said...

As a pregnant infertile- I've been there. There were many times that I just went to my reader and marked all the pg and mommy blogs as "read." so that I wouldn't have to deal with them. Also, I fully expect to have a much smaller reading audience than I had before. I get it. I think anyone who has gone through IF can completely understand what you're saying.

I hope your day comes soon ((hugs))

TeeJay said...

I know exactly how you feel. I have stopped reading the pregnancy blogs for now. It's much easier to support each other than to support a "graduate". Not that we are less happy for them. We just can't relate.

SassyIfLady said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've only been blogging for two-three months and I've already experienced this. Sometimes, when I've ready the blogs about pregnancy, rather than IF, I go home at night feeling defeated and strangly depressed. My husband continually tells me that I should stop, but I still want to be supportive. It's one of those, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Know that you are not alone. There are a lot of us out there hoping that it's us one day, but pretty hopeless from time to time. Your blog is a breath of fresh air! Take care & know that I'm right there with ya! :-D

Just me said...

I'm also feeling this way lately, and recently posted about it as well. I actually have changed my bloglist so that it lists blogs based on who is pregnant and who is not... that way, if I'm having a day where I feel like I just can't deal with hearing about someone else's success, it is easier to avoid. God, that sounds terrible when I write it out like that!!! But it's true.

Your list of feelings is spot on. {{hugs}}

Betty Rubble said...

Though I have closed my blog, I understand what you are saying...

The even harder part is when those who become pregnant suddenly STOP reading your blog as if you have a plague that will some how affect their pregnancy. Sigh.

Bluebird said...

I think it makes perfect sense.

Thinking of you.

Simple said...

Perfect post. Thank you!

Melis.sa said...

oh my god can i relate! within the past 2 months about 80% of the blogs i follow have had bfps! And i'm at the point where i can't add anymore blogs where the author is pregnant. it's different reading the posts before the bfps, but starting to read the blog knowing they're preg is too much right now.


i've been thinking about typing a similar post for weeks but i didn't want to offend anyone who was in the bfp category...
((HUGS))

Lorza said...

I totally understand this post. I have more PG people in my reader than plan IF. This last ICLW I found more of the MFI blogs and added them to my reader so I could find more of those to connect with.... OMG. I have about 50 people in my reader now...and I sure the people that have been added to my reader shall become pregnant or find a surrogate in short order. :)

Jendeis said...

I've been feeling like this too. My worst day was when I found someone who got pregnant right after I started reading her blog (2 years ago) and now she has a toddler and is pregnant again. Actually, now I can think of two other people I read in a similar situation. I've been lapped.

I hate this.

S said...

I also can relate. I don't take the IF ladies who get pregnant out of my reader, but I do have them in their own category so that I can avoid reading their updates on any given day when I don't feel up to doing so.

P.S. Don't even get me started on my feelings about the pregnancies of those who haven't struggled with IF. I don't want to hear about those AT ALL. And in a way I hate that I'm now "that woman."

IVF 40+ said...

It's true, the mixture of emotions over this is confusing and somewhat or somehow shameful. I Read lots of pregnancy blogs but mainly of women in my situation (at this time it's DE) I do it in preparation and if I feel I am not learning or they are not teaching me I tend to fall away from their blogs. Sounds shallow and harsh but to be honest I don't care.
This is all really freakin' hard and I have given myself full permission to do what feels right even if it might not look right.
I don't and probably never will read the easily pregnant blogs. They make me into a green eyed, roaring monster.

B. said...

I'm another pregnant infertile, and similar emotions run along this side of the fence. Instead of envy, it's a lot of guilt. Sometimes, I wonder if I should comment on the blogs of people who haven't achieved a pregnancy yet. I'm not here to rub anyone's face in their lack of success. I really want to continue to encourage fellow IFfers at any stage- especially anyone dealing with similar issues as I faced. I hope it's more helpful than painful to hear from the other side.

Melissa G said...

You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. Some days I can read the pg blogs and some days I can't. It makes me wonder (if I get ever get there) how much I will write about my own pregnancy on my current blog. Mostly because I can't imagine not feeling like an infertile for the rest of my life. And also because I have grown to love the IF blogging community so much.

Sorry for rambling. I don't have any advice either. But what you said has been on my mind a lot lately.

Hugs.

Shannon said...

I have been at all points. I have been the infertile, obviously, the pregnant infertile, and the infertile after pregnancy loss. It is really not easy to read the pregnancy blogs. But I do it and I am happy for them. As my unfulfilled due date looms closer it is getting harder and harder, but I hope to become that pregnant lady again, in hopes that it will be easier.

Hope is all we can have though, isn't it?

Kacy said...

Your feelings resonate with me. I am glad you posted it because at times I have thought the same thing.

www.infertilityinstability.blogspot.com

Amy said...

Megan,

You are right in how you feel. They are YOUR feelings, and are mirrored by MANY others. I felt the same way, there was a time that I was the only person in a cycling group that wasn't preggo. It's not an easy thing to deal with. Just please know, that many of us who cross to the other side, don't forget.

To comment on Betty Rubble's comment "The even harder part is when those who become pregnant suddenly STOP reading your blog as if you have a plague that will some how affect their pregnancy. Sigh.". I can only speak for myself, but I don't stop reading. I may not comment as much, but that's just because I don't want someone clicking over to my blog and being ill prepared.

Megan, I'm thinking about you, and hope the best for this upcoming cycle. ((Hugs))

IF Optimist, then... said...

I know exactly what you mean. I generally have not chosen to follow any of the "already pregnant/have kids when I find them" IF blogs because I'm looking to connect with other people in the same place as me. If one of my current blogs gets pregnant than I am OK and love to root them on because I have followed in the journey with them and until they get all the way, I want to be their cheerleader. There is so much sadness out there, I need those to prove there is success out in the world and that hope is not lost.

Meg. said...

From one Megan to another, I can tell you with 100% certainty that my existence will forever be a big fat BFN (i.e. my blog is a safe haven for you).

Sure, my bio babies may some day be birthed by another woman....but this does not cure the ache in my heart. This will still never make me feel as though I've caught up with my peers.

I completely understand your feelings of confusion, hurt, joy, jealousy, indifference...all of them. *hugs*

LaceFace said...

I've been following your blog for over 6 months and have not become pregnant. So there's a little break in the trend. I feel the same way you do, except probably more bitter and sour about it. So don't feel guilty. I'm right there with you.

Jessica said...

I feel the EXACT same way and sometimes feel guilty about it. Thanks for writing this honest entry, it really struck a chord with me.

G & H said...

Thank you for sharing the feelings that I have but couldnt put into words!

Michelle said...

Exactly! I AM happy for infertiles who get pregnant because it gives me hope but I also have all of those other emotions too. It is so hard and frustrating. IF makes everything so much more difficult and unfair!

Frau said...

Exactly. People who aren't there sometimes make it seem so simple. Either you can be happy or you can be sad.

But yeah, it's all sorts of things mixed together: The positive, the negative, the more negative because you think you're being catty for having any negative, the even more negative because it's confusing and you think that you should be a serene adult and not emotionally unstable.

Though on a side note, a friend of a friend got preggo accidentally (they have two kids already.) I'm sort of annoyed that her conflicting emotions are accepted as a matter of fact but I'm not allowed to have any.

Erin said...

I could have written this post myself. It's such a hard thing to explain to people who aren't going through it. I've had to stop reading certain blogs because I just can't handle all the pregnancy talk. That, plus being surrounded by 5 pregnant women at work this year, I nearly lost my mind!

the misfit said...

Boy, do I get this. (BTw, surely you've been blogging longer than that? B/c I'm sure you were a veteran blogger when I started, and I've been around 7 months.) In my case, there are bfps I'm spontaneously happy for, others I have to try to be happy for, and a third group I have no idea how to be happy for and if they miscarry (and sometimes they do) I am consequently wracked with guilt. I could come up with reasons why someone falls in one group or another, but I think it may be arbitrary. Sometimes I can't deal with the mommy stuff, and there are people I have deleted because I felt I no longer had anything in common with them. (The feeling must have been mutual, because I haven't seen a comment from them since.) I thought it would be easy to be happy for a pregnant gal, as long as she had been through IF. But it's not that simple.

Mrs.X said...

I have felt this way so many times - in fact, there was a point where I just stopped adding to my reader unless I was absolutely certain that the person was done trying to family build because I just couldn't handle the conflict - the joy, the sadness (and oh the anger).

That hasn't gone away, even now, but I've finally given myself permission to feel this way and to be selective about what I do and do not read. This means that I am currently reading one PG blog. That's all I can take. And, that's ok.

And, it's ok for you too. We have enough angst in this process, there's no need to add guilt on top of it.

Hugs.

colleen said...

I love reading your blog. I can relate to everything. I just started the journey(IVF) and it gives me insights. I never thought I would feel bad about someone saying they are pregnant,but it does make me sad..Oh well....

strongblonde said...

oh megan. i know i've crossed over, but i know how you feel. i think that ICLW was always the worst for me. as i'd go through the blogs i didn't understand why pregnant people were on the list. i mean....whey did *they* need support? it's difficult to put all of the feelings into words, but you did a great job.

i hope your time come soon! xoxo

MelissaP05 said...

Just wanted to say I love your blog. Your always so honest, and I find that really helpful for my IF journey. I've awarded you the "One Lovely Blog Award." Come to my blog to get your reward.

barrenisthenewblack said...

Perfect post, thank you. I just made categories the other day. One thing, though-I've been reading you for a long time-why am I not pregnant? :)

PJ said...

I think I have something like 250 posts in my reader to catch up on. Most of them pregnant. Some of them have given birth. One just posted about how it was 1 year later, after infertility, birth, etc..

I am happy for them and jealous of them, all at the same time. :)

They are some of my biggest cheerleaders though.

twoweekwait said...

*Gasp*

I could have written this post. I experience each one of those emotions. *hugs* I too don't know the answer.

Can you add me to your blog? I will pay whatever you charge if your skills are truly that remarkable. ;)

Hillary said...

I'm totally with you. In fact, I've posted a bit in the past month or so about similar stuff. There's one girl whose IVF worked and we would've had the same due date. It's almost too much to bear to read her blog now and see what I would've had, what I should've had, etc.

It's funny when you see someone else live your life. Not your life, exactly, but the life you always thought you'd have. In the IF community, it's like you're finally able to find a place where people are like you. They get it. Then eventually they get pregnant and overcome their infertility, and then once again you're left behind. It's like being 10 years old and picked last for dodge ball, except it's real life and it matters.

I feel for you!

Valerie said...

If I may comment (and I apologize to those who are offended by this), but those of us who have been IF and then do have babies DO NOT OVERCOME INFERTILITY.

We may have achieved a pregnancy trhough in vitro, surrogacy, or IVF Vacation, etc,, but we are STILL INFERTILE.

I have 2 beautiful blessings (an in vitro baby, a "surprie" or bonus baby) and STILL struggle with feigning "delight" at the news of a co-worker or friends pregnancy who has not had to deal with Clomid, intraueterine insemination or in vitro.

Last October, we got pregnant yet again (our 7th pregnancy) and I miscarried 2-weeks before Christmas. Our due date was the 4th of July so hard holiday times around our house. At first, I used to think that I didn't get to feel depressed or sorrow over our loss b/c I "got" a baby, but guess what...I did get depressed, sad, angry etc.

The bottom line is, infertility takes away your choice. Your choice to choose when and how many children you want to build your family.

So, I say, accept your emotions. They are real, they are raw, and they can't be WRONG b/c they are you. If you can't read IF pregnancy blogs...don't. Just know that the pain and heartache doesn't go away if and when you do achieve a successful pregnancy. That dull ache will always be there; just not as sharp.

Blessings to you, Megan,
Valerie

infertilityrocks said...

My friend!

Thanks so much for posting on my blog after I've been a bad, bad, bad mutual commenter for too long. Way too long.

I'm so excited to see you're up and moving toward another IVF cycle. Let the torture begin?

I have a little 'comment' box that pops up on my blogroll that used to say "struggling with primary infertiity" or something. I've honestly never had the heart to change the one's who've gotten pregnant. And this is from someone who was one of the lucky ones to get pregnant after primary IF.

My two best friends are both pregnant. And though I'm ecstatic on one hand for them both...I'm so jealous and frustrated on the other hand.

It is YOUR time, my friend, you are past due. I get pissed when I think people get, like a coupon or a discount on something that I don't get. How much more does it hurt to be infertile when so many are not?

Hugs to you!

Jacqueline said...

Been trying 8 1/2 years. I know exactly how you feel. Well put! I wish I had the answers and I wish I could make all the pain of infertility go away....for myself and others.

Cassandra said...

I have certainly been there myself, more than 10 times longer than I've been on this side.

One thing that's helped with my Reader is that I have it organized by categories. Then I can choose who I want to start with and sometimes who I need to put off until another day.

the need for a father? said...

Alert!

http://ivf-newborns-at-risk.blogspot.com

'Murgdan' said...

*sigh*

Yep. All of the above.

Made worse everytime I read the post of a pregnant infertile about how guilty SHE feels posting about pregnancy issues.

But these are just feelings....they don't make us bad people or anything.

Shinejil said...

I'm not alienated. I know your pain, and honor it. It sucks to feel that everyone's getting what you're killing yourself to get. Even once you've "crossed over," that feeling lingers.

I stopped reading closely once someone got pregnant, unless I really liked them as a person or a writer, and I don't think you should feel guilty about that. I don't think anyone owes me support, now that I'm pregnant, unless they want to give it. For which I'm eternally grateful. But it's optional, and I understand completely why some folks don't read much anymore.

Chelsea Lietz said...

I appreciate your honesty. I was in your boat for a year or so.

And now that I've "crossed over" and seem to have a healthy pregnancy... I won't deny that I feel guilty. And I want to be supportive of you and others but I don't want you to roll your eyes when I leave comments... thinking "sure, easy for her to say."
So I appreciate your honesty and I know you can't help how you feel. But I hope you know that I still support you, still grieve for you, and wish I could take you along on this journey.
And pregnanct people should understand if they lost some readers because it IS hard.
You haven't alienated me, and I'd like to keep reading...

hope4joy said...

I just read your post and couldn't agree more. All of the emotions you touched on are what I feel everyday. It might be while reading blogs, at work, or sadly within my own family. It sucks but damn it is true.

Heather said...

I can relate to everything you wrote!! I've been ttc for 2 years and am just getting ready to go through my first round of IVF. I've recently just started reading infertility blogs, and it is definitely mixed emotions about all the women who wind up pregnant. I'm very happy for them, but I'm also fearful that it will never happen for me! You really did capture all the range of emotions. Thank you for such an honest post.

Mad Hatter said...

I so relate to everything you've said. It reminds me of Valentine's Day in elementary school and seeing all the Valentines on other girls' desks, wondering when it will be my turn. Thank God we all have each other - for every one of us that gets pregnant and moves on to the next stage, another one or more join the IF community - we just need to find them!...I agree with Lorza's comment, too, about ICLW - I expected there to be more non-pregnant IFs participating. Keep the faith - your turn will come!

Brooke said...

you took the words right out of my mouth. I have found some relief in blogging but every now and again it hits me when I bump into a success story.

How did you like acupuncture? I am a 1/3 way through my lupron and am willing to try anything to relieve some of the bloat, stress and heaviness, not to mention my stomach issues. Any luck with you??
brooke
www.youmeandapetri.blogspot.com

Ally said...

It's like you looked into my head and wrote what I was thinking (in a much clearer, better way). Thank you for your honesty and for having the courage to say what merely languishes in the back of my throat.

areyoukiddingme said...

I wish I had something to say that would resolve this for you...

Shannon said...

Thank you for writing this, it is so very honest.

I tagged you on my blog. I'm not done with the post yet, but it should be up today.

Kristin said...

Great post. I think you are completely right when you said "Maybe these feelings are just a fact of life. Maybe they just exist and there is no resolving them." I think there is no resolving them. There is just learning to handle those feelings gracefully.

babyinterrupted said...

I've been having so many similar feelings lately and pondering a post like this. It's a struggle for me to articulate all of this without feeling judgmental and mean, but ignoring the feelings doesn't seem to help either.

Peace to you. And many thanks for your words.

Chickenpig said...

Reading this post slammed me right back to the time where I was in the trenches TTC. At that time, I hadn't discovered the blogoshere, all my connections were made on the RESOLVE bulletin board. I was there for years, 5 years to be exact. I can't tell you how many "newbies" signed up, struggled, then got pregnant and moved on while I still hung there...suspended. I felt all the emotions that you described over and over again. And I wasn't there the longest, not by a long shot.

But please, remember, and this is hard to take for all of us...you never get over infertility. It never ends. Every post I read about a miscarriage touches on the pain I felt when I miscarried, every post like this about the frustration brings it rushing back. You don't get OVER infertility, you work through it, or go around it. I will say to you what I said to all the newbies on the BB. ART is getting better all the time, around 75%, of us getting treatment will have a live child at the end of this journey. Eventually. Almost all of us will make it out on the other side. It doesn't stop it from hurting, and it (usually) doesn't make other people's pregnancies easier to take, but that hope is there. We graduates hold that hope out for your, we're here, and we don't mind and we're not hurt if you're not ready to hear it. We're here anyway...because infertility never leaves us.

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serenity said...

Here from Mel's blog. And I did make it to the other side.

Can't tell you much beyond what you posted... but this post reminds me of when I felt the same way. I was sure IVF would never work for us. I watched my blogroll move from "seeking" to "finding" serenity.

So you're NOT alone.

I will be hoping for you.

xxx

Alice said...

You are speaking the truth! I feel all these feelings. I'm new to the IF blogging community but not to IF. As I've been searching through blogs, I've had to "weed" my way through tons of pregnant people to find those in a similar spot to me. But, of course, it does mean there is hope.

satto said...

I was just thinking about deleting the blogs from my reader of the girls that got pregnant when i got to your post. Thank you for letting me feel normal for a change.

Mrs. Hammer said...

I've hit that point where my original blogs that I followed are almost all now prego and I've had to 'refresh' my list. It's like being left behind by a whole new set of people. First by my IRL friends and now by my blog friends. From one IF to another - I have an award for you. Hang in there and I hope your next IVF cycle is the one.

Parenthood For Me said...

I completely understand. It has been hard for me to read about the pregnant journey of if bloggers. I feel all the same emotions you mentioned. It is so difficult. I wrote recently a post called no disclaimer if you want to read it. I am an adoptive mom and I am so happy but it still hurts so much to think I will never ever experience pregnancy. Hugs to you.

Janet said...

Thanks so much for your post... you hit the nail on the head so accurately it brought tears to my eyes, not surprisingly as I just has a BFN 10 days post FET this morning - boo - though of course I am going to try again tomorrow and the day after ;) (me - TTC 3.5 yrs). To top it my little sis is preggers with the first baby in the family (I thought that was part of MY job description) and I cannot tell you how that feels - let's just say it's not good. As my DH says, it's not a race, but boy does it feel like it sometimes... x

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Nathalie Uy said...


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