Jumping off from a post Murgdan made today...
When I first started blogging and reading blogs; no one was pregnant. I’m not ashamed to admit that in those beginning months if I came across the blog of a pregnant lady I did not add it to my reading list.
A month or two later a handful of ladies whose blogs I had been reading became pregnant. Some had miscarriages. Some are now approaching their third trimester. Each month a few more ladies crossed over to the other side, then more and more until I found myself in a peculiar situation.
I was a part of the infertility blogging community. I was not pregnant, but eighty percent of the blogs I followed were written by pregnant women. It got to the point that I thought of charging people to be added to my blog reader because it was a sure sign they would fall pregnant in a couple months.
I stopped looking at my reader everyday. It was too painful.
If you are pregnant or if you are still waiting like me, I know you can relate to that strange mix of emotions at being left behind.
Happiness for a woman that has made it to a viable pregnancy.
Hope that their success means that you might have success too.
Hurt for your own failures.
Anger that nothing has worked for you so far.
Guilt that you are not able to support a pregnant woman in the same way you can an infertile woman.
Envy as you see someone move on in a way you can’t.
Worry that you might never get there.
It is a toxic and confusing mixture of emotions. I’m sure if I was a pregnant infertile woman I could rearrange the words above and come out with the same mixture of emotions.
I’ve been trying to write this post for several weeks now, but I’ve hesitated. Partly because I didn’t want to alienate pregnant readers or somehow dampen their much deserved joy. Partly because I didn’t know how to end this post.
I still don’t know how to end this post. I still don’t know the answer. Maybe these feelings are just a fact of life. Maybe they just exist and there is no resolving them.