Signs You Are With The Wrong RE

Sometimes when I think about my old RE I feel like a battered woman who has finally gotten out of an abusive relationship. (Not literally...obviously battered women have it much much worse than me.) I have no idea why I didn't ditch this guy sooner. I had a gut feeling that he was wrong from my second appointment. I think that staying with him seemed like the path of least resistance. I always thought that the next treatment would work and I would just suck it up, get pregnant, and then I would never have to see him again. I guess I was too lazy to start over somewhere else.

Here are some signs that you are going to the wrong RE:

1. After my Clomid Challenge test I was called and told I needed additional testing. I told the nurse that I would like to discuss the Clomid Challenge test results with the doctor first. When hubby and I went to that appointment to discuss test results, the results were not in my file. In fact, the results were not in the office and the lab had to be called. So this guy ordered more tests without even reviewing the tests he had already ordered. Also, while we waited for the test results to be faxed over, he opened his junk mail as we were sitting in his office. We never did have the additional testing he had ordered.

2. Before we went to this RE my husband had two semen analyses with his urologist. One came back with a count of 10 million and the other with a count of 9 million. Two weeks after the 9 million test hubby squeezed out another sample for the RE. His count came back 150 million plus. I had a long discussion with the head of the lab regarding the fact that this did not seem possible. He told me that he trusted his lab results and that the other lab was wrong...twice. When I asked him how this could be possible he explained that my husband probably felt more relaxed giving his sample in the RE's office and, thus, more sperm. He also told me that hubby needed more tests. We declined. After all, if his count was over 150 million why do more testing? (Note: After the RE's results hubby's urologist sent him to a different lab for an independent semen analysis that was 11 million.)

3. A week after my first IVF cycle was cancelled for OHSS, I was in the RE's office for an ultrasound to make sure that my ovaries weren't exploding. As I was paying and checking out there was a patient checking in who was obviously there for an embryo transfer. My RE walked over to me, put his arm around me and proceeded to tell me about how this woman was so tall and was a basketball coach, blah, blah, blah. At that point, as I'm sure you can relate, I could have given two sh*ts about some woman who was there to have a transfer.

4. My old RE does not do weekends. When I went into the office to start IVF cycle #2 there were signs posted saying that the office was now to be closed on Tuesdays as well. So I guess you need to time your retrieval and transfer on one of the four days a week that he works.

5. After the nurse called to cancel cycle #2, the doctor called later to confirm that my cycle was cancelled because he wasn't sure if the nurse had called. Then he proceeded to tell me that he felt I needed counseling because I was asking questions about why I did not get the additional monitoring I requested after my first cancelled cycle.

I realize that sharing these stories makes me look really foolish, but I'm hoping to share it as a cautionary tale. Go with your gut. If something doesn't feel right...move on, even if you have to start over with a new doctor. It's OK, even if you lose a few months you will gain in the end.

If anyone lives in the Midwest and wants to know my old RE's name, leave your email address and I will email you.

I had my phone consult with a new RE today. I am currently processing the conversation, but on the whole it was good.

Here a Swing, There a Swing...

...Everywhere a mood swing...

Since cancelled cycle number two I have been having some mood swings, two to be specific.

Mood number one I refer to as the Mother Teresa mood. When I'm in this mood I am very accepting of my non traditional baby making journey. I say things in my head like, "I'm still coming baby. It's just going to be a little longer." When I workout at the gym I concentrate on making my body stronger for a pregnancy that is sure to come. As I do our family financial planning I am happy for additional months to pad our savings account. I make the best of things. I am optimistic about our future.

Luckily mood number one coincided with our Friday happy hour with some couple friends who just completed a successful IVF cycle. Even though they have had success with IVF the first time, even though her beta numbers indicate that she might have twins, even though this was my dream. I was OK. I was Mother Teresa.

Mood number two is called, "Why me?". When I'm in this mood I am bitter. I have not had a two week wait since October. I'd much rather have two cancelled cycles under my belt than two failed cycles, but after five months without even the chance, without even the hope that I am pregnant I am ready for my turn. When will we get a chance just to try and have a baby? Put me in coach!!! I'm ready to play!!! I've been in mood number two most of the weekend.

Today we went shopping. I was browsing at my favorite craft shop when suddenly a woman backed right into me, almost walked over me, then went on without a word. It's about par for the course right now. I feel invisible. I'm infertile, trying desparately not to be, but I can't catch a break.

The Key West Contingency Plan

One day my husband turned to me and said, "If we never have a baby let's move to Key West."




I was intrigued. The thought that if we never had children we would make some major lifestyle change had never occured to me.

Once he said it, the idea grew on me. If we can't have children, why bother living in a suburban home in a good school district? If we can't have children, what's the point in killing ourselves to succeed in our professional jobs? If we can't have children, why is it important to live near family?

The Key West Contingency Plan has since been fleshed out. Of course there will be lots of drinking and lots of Cuban food. My husband intends to get a job in the little booth where they sell trolley tickets to tourists (he saw an employment ad online). I hope to find a job as a bookkeeper. We have even looked online at homes we might purchase.

Sometimes the Key West Contingency Plan is replaced by the Prince Edward Island Contingency Plan.


In this plan we move to Prince Edward Island and walk on the beach every morning looking for sea glass and avoiding jellyfish. We buy a sweet little farm and eat lots of seafood. We still have to work out jobs (which might require obtaining work permits) and also a winter plan because the winters up there have to be harsh.

I guess we do this to make us feel like everything might be OK if we don't become parents. What's your plan B?

Back to Old Patterns

So I have a pretty firmly established pattern when I am faced with a major infertility setback.


I shop.


Right now I am obsessed with getting new sofas for the living room. Hubby says I have to wait until he gets his new employment contract. Sigh.

Just a few more months sofas...then you will be mine.

Cocktails or Gym?

First let me say...WTF?

I think I might start investing my retirement money in some new sofas for the living room. At least they won't shrink to loveseats in a month.

Coktails or Gym? We did both! We went to the gym as soon as I got off work and I completed a grueling "workout" on the reclino bike. (One time I went to ride the reclino bike and someone had left their Snickers bar wrapper in the cup holder. I'm think that if you can eat a Snickers while exercising, it's not really a workout.) Then we went to the local Mexican restaurant where I ordered a 32 ounce tequilla shot, listed on the menu as a margarita. Our local Mexican restaurant has awful food, but the drinks are strong. The drinks are so strong that I forgot my purse at the restaurant once (maybe that's how they make money on the bar).

I have been such a productive 2X IVF loser today. I filled out my patient questionnaire for the new clinic, scanned it (without help thank you very much) and emailed it back to the clinic. I faxed forms to current RE and hubby's urologist to authorize medical records to be sent to new clinic. And I revised our personal financial budget AGAIN since the whole birth thing and related expenses will be moved back.

So how do I feel being a 2X loser? Friday when I found out cancellation was a possibility I was a hysterical, catatonic, bawling, cursing mess. Yesterday I was so happy that I had finally made the decision to leave my RE which I had previously been reluctant to do for various reasons. Today I am feeling closer to fine, but mildly depressed that yet again I am playing the waiting game and yet again there is no baby in sight.

Cancelled

When will this nightmare end?

I was pretty sure after my ultrasound late this morning, but it was just confirmed by the blood tests. I’m actually surprisingly OK with it. I think I had myself prepared.

Now the RE has told me that these cysts are probably left over from my previous cycle. So I asked him why we didn’t do an ultrasound before starting this cycle to make sure that all the cysts were gone or why we didn’t do the additional monitoring I asked for so that we could have determined this was a problem earlier. (I was very non-confrontational about it and this was confirmed by my husband who likes to point out when I am confrontational.) So RE got rather huffy. First he told me that I could take him to court, but who knows if a jury would agree (what? I am just about the least litigious person I know). Then he told me that the only way I could avoid this next time would be to use donor eggs (what what? You have to be kidding me.)

So I have a phone consultation with another clinic next Monday. I feel so good. I feel like this is the right decision. I never felt right about this doctor, but I just pushed on hoping for the best. I’m a middle child. That’s what I do.

I was so mad when I left the RE’s office that I came back to work this afternoon. I didn’t want to waste a half a vacation day on that ass clown. Now hubby and I are debating about doing the gym or cocktails tonight...

Choose Your Attitude

Tomorrow is D-Day. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be cancelled. The lupron side effects that were so strong at the beginning of last week had waned by the end of the week. Now that I have increased my dosage of lupron over the weekend, the symptoms have not come back. It's weird to be on a lupron symptom watch...it's similar to a pregnancy symptom watch, but different.

So now I need to decide how to react to being cancelled tomorrow:

The cheerleader response:
"What a bummer. Gee it just seems like I can't get to retrieval. Let's Go Fight Win and give it another try."

The cynical response:
"So, who do I have to f*ck to get to retrieval around here?"

The Pollyanna response:
"Oh, it's OK. I'm sure we'll get everything right next time if we work together."

The angry response:
"This clinic f-ing sucks. You guys don't seem to be very good at this. I wish you'd worry a little less about cancelling cycles to save me money and worry a little more about getting me a freaking baby."

So here's the plan of attack for tomorrow.
1. Go to work and tell boss that I am taking the afternoon as vacation.
2. Go to ultrasound and get cancelled (hubby is coming along).
3. Try to get out of RE's office without laying waste verbally to the doctor or the staff in case I ever want to cycle there again.
4. Proceed to nearest bar and get really really drunk.
5. Make an appointment for a consultation at a new clinic. Hubby is pretty much done with this clinic. I am still on the fence, but I definitely think we need to talk with someone else before we move forward.

Oh yeah. Good times.