Monday, October 19, 2009

WTP Appointment

I’m just back from my WTP appointment. No that’s not a typo, WTP = What’s the Point.

I’ve officially been admitted into the We-Don’t-Know-What-Went-Wrong-Everything-Looked-Great-On-Paper club. Initiation rites include your doctor telling you that he’s surprised to be having this conversation and then proceeding to tell you how everything went right before it all went wrong. And just in case you don’t get the picture…he even draws pictures.

Once I was fully initiated, we went on to the “next steps” portion of the program. My doctor doesn’t think there is a uterine issue. He thinks that even though the embryos looked great on paper, they must have been chromosomally abnormal. However, just to be thorough, tests for both hubby and me have been ordered in order to rule out immune issues (for me) and hormone tests to determine if sperm could be improved with meds (for him). Then the doctor who last time told me that diet and supplements would not help our chances suggested we both start taking antioxidants. (This is when I really started feeling like a hopeless case.)

Doctor seems to think we should try again. We are not so sure.

I inquired about donor eggs. We had a pretty lengthy discussion, but didn’t really learn anything new. Using donor eggs increases our chances. Duh.

I really don’t know what to say about our situation anymore. I can’t focus on it. I can’t post about it. I certainly can’t make any decisions. I’m mad. I feel like this:

http://ivf40pathtoparents.blogspot.com/2009/10/ivf3-de1.html

I too have options, but I don’t want them. I want any one of the things I’ve tried in the past year to have worked. I don’t want to try again, but I can’t quit. I’m frozen.

Being frozen is a comfortable and dangerous place to be. When you are frozen you can’t get hurt anymore, but you will also never get what you want.

19 comments:

Kate said...

I wonder if it wasn't just a numbers thing. Even my clinic which has great success rates only has a 68% success rate for fresh transfers in patients under 35. They usually transfer 2 blasts. So someone has to end up on the bad side of the stats. I wish you'd had some frozens to try an FET with.
I guess the other option to gathering energy and money to try another cycle would be to consdier going someplace like CCRM that can do CGH to ensure the blasts are chromosomally normal before transferring them. Expensive, but might be worth it.
So sorry they couldn't have been more positive for you.

S said...

I'm sorry. I have no other words.

JB said...

Yup. Can't put it any better than you did. I am awaiting my WTP appointment with the 2nd opinion guy. What I really need for him to inject me with is hope. It is in short supply. Hope some clarity emerges soon for us all.

jenicini said...

I'm sorry. Thinking of you.

irrationalexuberance said...

Shit, Megan. I'm sorry that this appointment left you feeling worse. I'm thinking of you and hoping that, whatever you choose to do next, it brings you peace and joy.

Amber said...

It really sucks when you're in that club. I had ovarian drilling, got a weird infection that hospitalized me for 3 days and my RE said, "never seen this before. Everything went perfectly." Uh, apparently not. Can't anything go as planned???

Nicole said...

Megan I feel your frustration! I am so sorry that you didn't get the answers you'd hoped for--and therefore you don't know which direction to head. An almost impossible crossroad, I'm sure.

Hugs and good thoughts!

The Patterson's said...

UGH! I remember when we were told the same thing after our first IVF, "Everything looks good on paper. We just need to try again." I felt the same way you are feeling. Trust your doctor and do it again, if you want and can.

PJ said...

I like what Kate had to say, that it might just be a numbers thing.

I know what you mean about not wanting to cycle again, but not wanting to quit either. Quitting requres a whole new mindset and I think can be much harder than trying again.

It's so hard when there are no clear answers.

Melissa G said...

Oh Megan, I'm so sorry. No two ways about it -This just fucking sucks.

I think it's completely reasonable to not know what your next step might be. Take some to yourselves, and the right move for you will come to you.

In case you decide to air on the side of caution, I am taking an antioxidant that you can find online. I buy mine through my acupunturist because it's easy and she doesn't mark it up.

http://www.amazon.com/NutraMetrix-OPC-3-Serving-Powerful-Antioxidant/dp/B000WY23E0/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1255998821&sr=8-16

Again, I so sorry. Big BIG Hugs to you.

Michelle said...

I have had a few of those WTP appointments. It really sucks! they keep telling me how great everything goes and then it doesn't. I am with you and it is frustrating. Sending hugs.

B MoM said...

ugh! I feel frustrated for you. Can you get second opinions?

Mad Hatter said...

What a sucky-sounding appointment. I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something wise, but as one who oscillates between absolute utter despair and ridiculous denial, I'm probably the last person to listen to on how to cope with this stupidity that we are all dealing with. (((Hugs))) Sending positive energy that the sun breaks through the clouds soon. There's room for you over here at the funny farm anytime you'd like to stop by...
Love,
Maddy

IVF 40+ said...

Oh dear Megan, I reiterate all the 'does this suck or what' type comments.

Do you need to take some time? Get some distance from it all? You guys deserve an adventure or some really special time away from all this. Activities and laughter that you and your partner can revel in, even if just for a week.
Wish I had a golden ticket for you.
EB

Milla said...

I'm sorry that things aren't going right and that you are faced with a whole bunch of possibilities that you don't want (it is agonisingly horrible). Being frozen might just be the right/only response to getting through this. You are taking your own good advice (which I read here and has been helping me since) and getting on with the next steps even though you don't feel the hope, your head and your heart will catch up. Take care of yourself, keep having fun with Bo and posting the pictures. Keep going through the motions and the rest will kick in when you're ready. With big hugs.

womb for improvement said...

Sounds like you need a moment. Don't think of it as freezing but pausing.

kores561 said...

i'm in a very similar place as you are. i just had 2 failed ivf's with perfect blasts. there's no reason why it shouldn't have worked. so now we're doing immune testing to.. but i feel like im grasping at straws and in a very hopeless place... i never thought i'd be here.. but here i am... so, i'm w/ ya. and i'm sorry that we are both here.

Bon said...

I was there this past May. I too had the WTP appointment. I had the same discussion with the RE. He told me we looked good on paper also. We went through an entire battery of tests. I got 20-ish vials of blood drawn and so did DH. All of those vials told us nothing was wrong with us. VERY obviously there IS something wrong because we can't pregnant in any way shape or form.


Sending you hugs because I know where you are, I've been there. I'm not there anymore, but I know. I hope you find the path that takes you home.

http://www.icanhazbebe.blogspot.com

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