This thought has crossed my mind hundreds of times in the past two years.
If I'm tired...
I think I'm pregnant.
If I'm not hungry...
I think I'm pregnant.
If I'm peeing a lot...
I think I'm pregnant.
I have no idea why my brain (or is it my heart?) works this way, but once again I find myself keeping company with those familiar thoughts. When should I test? How and when should I tell people? I imagine emailing my RE and telling him to cancel my cycle because I'm pregnant. I imagine posting on this blog, "It's a miracle! It can happen! I'm pregnant." I pull my planner out of my purse and obsess over the handwritten cycle days. If this were a normal cycle I would be terribly late, but if this cycle is like the last one after IVF it is terribly early.
I think about nurseries.
I think about maternity leave.
I think about sitting in a rocking chair holding a baby in my arms.
Uh oh...now I have that excess-saliva-in-mouth-pre-throw-up feeling.
I think I'm pregnant.
But I'm not pregnant. Yes, it is technically possible, but highly improbable. It's just a little game I play every month. A game that never ends.
How can a thought make you so happy and so sad at the same time?
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24 comments:
Oh it's very easy for a thought like that to make you happy and sad at the same time.
I used to play that game with myself as well every month a couple of years ago. It's a game I abandoned a long time ago after the first time I got pregnant - after that I knew when I was knocked up and I dreaded the symptoms because the outcome was always the same.
Big hugs and I hope won day you win at that game xxxx
My husband has asked me if it's possible for me to approach cycles -- natural or medicated or IVF -- with less enthusiasm and hope, so I won't feel as crushed at the end when it fails repeatedly. I wish I could. But I, too, have that same internal analysis any time pregnancy is remotely possible. Problem is, possible and probable are worlds apart. Sucks. I know.
Oy. That torturous game. It's the worst. Mr. Hatter just ignores me now because I've imagined it falsely toooooo many times. I sympathize and resemble your post completely. I hope that, technically, you are 100% right this time.
Love,
Maddy
Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))
I think hope is good, it keeps us going!!
I know every month we continue to get crushed, but one day....one month, we WILL be pregnant, and
it will be because we hoped, we hoped enough
to keep going.
I hear ya...I just took my 2nd provera and yet I still think...I could have ovulated...I could be pregnant. Its a curse!
Hugs....
Ugh. The mind (and the heart) take us all over the place and back again, don't they? But geesh, it's a bumpy ride.
Mo
I don't even have to ovulate to convince myself that I'm pregnant. Heck, I just had a D&C 3weeks ago and I already want to test...
Playing that game right there with you. Hang in.
I know that game alto well, I have not figured out how to stop it or why I keep doing it to myself but every month I feel genuinely surprised that I am not pregnant. UGH!
That's torture. Oh, it hurts to think about...how do you preserve your hope after all you've been through? It's a rare month when I believe at any level that it's possible, I am mystified by all those who still wonder every month.
I can completely relate to this one! Hope that that sneaking feeling has some weight to it. God luck.
I just had a period and have been really tired in the evenings...and I thought, what if? So, you are not the only one!
I'm right there with you. It's enough to make you crazy.
I play that game too! Just can't help myself. I play it all day long. Anything can trigger it.
I hope and pray that one day it will all come true for you and you do become pregnant!
Hang in there!
I know it doesn't help but it's inescapable, if a little sad, we all do it though.
I'm currently in a similar place. It may sound like I enjoy torture but I try to put off testing these days till the last minute that's reasonable because I like the anxious possibility better than the familiar no.
Maybe it's positive that there's some resistant tiny space for possibility and hope in there.
Right there with you.
Me too. I dread to think how many times I have counted forty weeks from a given day. Gah.
I totally understand this post. Even my husband does- a few months ago I was nauseated for a few day and tired. He was over the moon thinking I might be pregnant. Somehow he forgot he didn't have vas defrens or seminal vesicals for a bout 10 minutes.
It broke my heart all over again.
blugh! i hate that game. it totally sucks.
i wanted to drop a line to let you know that i've been reading and following along, it's just hard to comment right now! but i am thinking lots about you!!!
xoxo
God, I can totally relate to all of this!
check this out:
www.wishtobeamommy.com
Hey I just spent Thursday and Saturday 'maybe' and 'if' ing. Only to have it come to naught ... again! So surprising.
Maybe we're all just optimists with a good outlook on life - I think I prefer that to pessimism anyway.
((hugs)) I hope you get to be the urban legend this cycle.
I do this too. It's excruciating to have hope sometimes.
http://stork-watch.blogspot.com/
Hmm, if you’re feeling like this, then I think the only way to get through is to become sure of everything. Sometimes, a woman’s instincts work. Taking pregnancy tests won’t hurt. Anyway, are you still feeling nauseous?
Chelsea Leis
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