Thursday, October 29, 2009

I Think I'm Pregnant

This thought has crossed my mind hundreds of times in the past two years.

If I'm tired...

I think I'm pregnant.

If I'm not hungry...

I think I'm pregnant.

If I'm peeing a lot...

I think I'm pregnant.

I have no idea why my brain (or is it my heart?) works this way, but once again I find myself keeping company with those familiar thoughts. When should I test? How and when should I tell people? I imagine emailing my RE and telling him to cancel my cycle because I'm pregnant. I imagine posting on this blog, "It's a miracle! It can happen! I'm pregnant." I pull my planner out of my purse and obsess over the handwritten cycle days. If this were a normal cycle I would be terribly late, but if this cycle is like the last one after IVF it is terribly early.

I think about nurseries.

I think about maternity leave.

I think about sitting in a rocking chair holding a baby in my arms.

Uh oh...now I have that excess-saliva-in-mouth-pre-throw-up feeling.

I think I'm pregnant.

But I'm not pregnant. Yes, it is technically possible, but highly improbable. It's just a little game I play every month. A game that never ends.

How can a thought make you so happy and so sad at the same time?

24 comments:

thegalwho said...

Oh it's very easy for a thought like that to make you happy and sad at the same time.

I used to play that game with myself as well every month a couple of years ago. It's a game I abandoned a long time ago after the first time I got pregnant - after that I knew when I was knocked up and I dreaded the symptoms because the outcome was always the same.

Big hugs and I hope won day you win at that game xxxx

JB said...

My husband has asked me if it's possible for me to approach cycles -- natural or medicated or IVF -- with less enthusiasm and hope, so I won't feel as crushed at the end when it fails repeatedly. I wish I could. But I, too, have that same internal analysis any time pregnancy is remotely possible. Problem is, possible and probable are worlds apart. Sucks. I know.

Mad Hatter said...

Oy. That torturous game. It's the worst. Mr. Hatter just ignores me now because I've imagined it falsely toooooo many times. I sympathize and resemble your post completely. I hope that, technically, you are 100% right this time.
Love,
Maddy

twondra said...

Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

tishi said...

I think hope is good, it keeps us going!!
I know every month we continue to get crushed, but one day....one month, we WILL be pregnant, and
it will be because we hoped, we hoped enough
to keep going.

Betty Rubble said...

I hear ya...I just took my 2nd provera and yet I still think...I could have ovulated...I could be pregnant. Its a curse!

Hugs....

Mo and Will said...

Ugh. The mind (and the heart) take us all over the place and back again, don't they? But geesh, it's a bumpy ride.

Mo

Amber said...

I don't even have to ovulate to convince myself that I'm pregnant. Heck, I just had a D&C 3weeks ago and I already want to test...

Kate said...

Playing that game right there with you. Hang in.

Michelle said...

I know that game alto well, I have not figured out how to stop it or why I keep doing it to myself but every month I feel genuinely surprised that I am not pregnant. UGH!

the misfit said...

That's torture. Oh, it hurts to think about...how do you preserve your hope after all you've been through? It's a rare month when I believe at any level that it's possible, I am mystified by all those who still wonder every month.

Eileen said...

I can completely relate to this one! Hope that that sneaking feeling has some weight to it. God luck.

Bookerson said...

I just had a period and have been really tired in the evenings...and I thought, what if? So, you are not the only one!

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm right there with you. It's enough to make you crazy.

Life Happens said...

I play that game too! Just can't help myself. I play it all day long. Anything can trigger it.

I hope and pray that one day it will all come true for you and you do become pregnant!

Hang in there!

Milla said...

I know it doesn't help but it's inescapable, if a little sad, we all do it though.

I'm currently in a similar place. It may sound like I enjoy torture but I try to put off testing these days till the last minute that's reasonable because I like the anxious possibility better than the familiar no.

Maybe it's positive that there's some resistant tiny space for possibility and hope in there.

Jendeis said...

Right there with you.

womb for improvement said...

Me too. I dread to think how many times I have counted forty weeks from a given day. Gah.

mybumpyjourney said...

I totally understand this post. Even my husband does- a few months ago I was nauseated for a few day and tired. He was over the moon thinking I might be pregnant. Somehow he forgot he didn't have vas defrens or seminal vesicals for a bout 10 minutes.

It broke my heart all over again.

strongblonde said...

blugh! i hate that game. it totally sucks.

i wanted to drop a line to let you know that i've been reading and following along, it's just hard to comment right now! but i am thinking lots about you!!!

xoxo

dawn said...

God, I can totally relate to all of this!

check this out:

www.wishtobeamommy.com

Pundelina said...

Hey I just spent Thursday and Saturday 'maybe' and 'if' ing. Only to have it come to naught ... again! So surprising.

Maybe we're all just optimists with a good outlook on life - I think I prefer that to pessimism anyway.

((hugs)) I hope you get to be the urban legend this cycle.

Scarlett said...

I do this too. It's excruciating to have hope sometimes.

http://stork-watch.blogspot.com/

Chelsea said...

Hmm, if you’re feeling like this, then I think the only way to get through is to become sure of everything. Sometimes, a woman’s instincts work. Taking pregnancy tests won’t hurt. Anyway, are you still feeling nauseous?

Chelsea Leis

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