Thursday, October 1, 2009

Why Do We Hurt More For The Ones We Love?

I wasn't born to be a mother. I am not a naturally nurturing and empathetic soul. Motherhood was not my heart's desire when I was a little girl. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a politician. I wanted to be a professional cheerleader.

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't be a good mother. That doesn't mean that I don't have that desire for motherhood. However, I have to admit that after my transfer, when I saw the embryos flash into my uterus, my first thought was, "What have I done? Am I ready for this?" (Shortly followed by an elated Yes!)

Tony is different. Tony was born to be a father. Tony is a nurturer, a caregiver, a natural parent.

When I think about how unfair it is that Tony has been denied parenthood (once again) my heart literally hurts, tears well up in my eyes, and sometimes I can't breathe.

I don't know what our future holds, but I want to take this hurt away from my husband. I want to make it better for him. I want to make it better for me.

I just don't know how to do that...

24 comments:

lastchanceivf said...

I'm really sorry and I totally hear you on this. There are days even now when I freak out about continuing to push to be a mother--but then I look at my sweet husband and know he was MEANT to be a father...
I think this is what true love is--we hurt so deeply for the ones we love, and I think it's a little inkling of what motherhood will be like.
Sending you peace (from a fellow IFer with four failed IVFs under her belt).

Natasha said...

I agree with the blogger above, you sound so nurturing in the way you feel for your husband, in your want to take his pain away. I imagine it must feel the same way for a mother and a child. I am also sending good vibes to you, I hope that one day this pain will be gone, for both of you.

serenity said...

I think that was the worst part of all our failed cycles. Seeing how it affected my husband.

Hugs, hon. It totally sucks. And is unfair. And I wish it were different for you, too.

xxx

LM said...

I'm so, so sorry. I was really hoping this cycle was going to be it for you.

SassyIfLady said...

:hugs: I totally know how you feel. I've even asked my husband if he wants a divorce because I'm not able to do this very special thing for/with him. Of course he says no, gives me a hug, etc. But I always feel bad for him... Take care!

Melissa G said...

Thinking of you.

Hugs.

areyoukiddingme said...

It all sucks. I wish there was something I could say to help.

Just me said...

I often also find that one of the hardest parts of this is watching it hurt my husband. I really want to be able to give him kids. I hurt too (and I do have that maternal instinct) but it actually hurts me more to see how it hurts him. *sigh*

JB said...

Ugh. So many of us are dopplegangers (can you have more than one?) in this regard. My husband and I are resorting to IVF because of MFI, and he actually told me in the beginning of it all that he would understand if I wanted to be with someone who was fertile. OMG. I want to be with HIM and have HIS baby. End of story. Now fast forward to my shit response to IVF stimming and I can almost see myself saying the same thing to him. I want it, but he was MEANT for it. Some days I wish I could get the desire for motherhood back in the bottle, but I can't. And I don't want to take fatherhood away from him.

Virtual hugs to all. We need it.

BB said...

Thinking of you! Warm Hugs!

Cort said...

I'm so sorry. I believe I've written this exact blog entry before. I was never that little girl that played house or dreamed of my wedding or had my kids' names picked out before I hit puberty. I was rarely interested in any toy that I couldn't take apart and put back together. I still, to this day, find other people's children obnoxious and uninteresting unless I'm closely related to them, and even then it's touch and go.

None of that made me want a baby any less, and none of that eased the pain of four years of infertility treatments, false pregnancy tests, and horribly painful periods.

And I blamed myself. Over and over and over again. I had a breakdown once and told my husband he should leave me for someone with a fully-functioning reproductive system. He looked at me as if I had just sprouted a second head, but I was dead serious. He DESERVES to be a father, and children DESERVE to have him as a father, because he's just going to be so awesome at it.

The guilt was unbearable.

I'm saying all this so you know you're not alone. I'm so, so incredibly sorry your cycle failed. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this again.

((((HUGS))))

Michelle said...

I think the same way about my hubby. It makes me sad everytime I see him with our nieces and nephews. He needs to be a dad! ((HUGS))

c by the sea said...

i'm so sorry this cycle didn't work. it totally sucks. i hope you are able to find some hope and healing soon.

Betty Rubble said...

Part of it is to remember he married you to be his wife...that comes before all else. He love you for you not for the fact that you have a uterus.

Hugs to you both as you figure out where this journey is going to take you.

Xillary said...

Thinking of you. It just isn't fair! It's hard to think of anything else and you are very brave to talk about your feelings so openly. I still have hope for you and your family!

Bluebird said...

When I thought I could hurt no more, I looked at my husband and saw his tears. And the hurt increased ten-fold.

I'm sorry.

Kate said...

I think this is a great sign of how close you and your DH are. And you'll be a wonderful Mom when you get there, no matter which way that is.
I almost felt lucky that my DH seemed less invested in the whole process than I did. Sure, I was annoyed at times that I had to do nearly all the work, and that he didn't seem as upset by our losses and failures as I did, but it did help to take some of the pressure off me. As did the fact that we both had issues to overcome.
I hope the two of you can keep the lines of communication open and the love flowing as you move through your IF journey together. And I hope the road is a short one!

Lorza said...

awww- I am sorry you are going through this. IF sucks. {{HUGS}}

womb for improvement said...

Its rubbish isn't it.

But um, professional cheerleader?!

infertilityrocks said...

I'm so sorry to read that this round was not successful. My heart is breaking for you and your dh. Motherhood may be a term for those who 'have children', but I PROMISE you that the love you put forth when you went to that crappy beta appnt, and still took your PIO shots, and got up the courage to do this CRAP IVF again...hon, that's a mother's love. Your ARE a mom, it's just your babies haven't found you yet.

I know they will. Some way.

Big hugs, my friend.

mekate said...

I just wanted to stop in and say hello
and tell you that I wish that I knew that everything would be ok, I wish I were that powerful.

Your puppy is gorgeous, and love like that can be a great distraction and very healing. I hope you are snuggled into feeling more like your fine and wonderful self. There is nothing like this ride, and so much of it sucks ass.
And oh yeah, I wish it were different.

thinking of you,
Kate

Life Happens said...

I have an award for you on my blog. Happy Monday. I hope you have a great week.

Mad Hatter said...

I really get the whole "what have I done?" bit...I so resent how conscious we've all had to be through every agonizing moment of conception! Why can't we get drunk. And effortlessly conceive and not realice it for 3 months, like most women? Sorry you're feeling down. Sending you good thoughts.

Alice said...

I so relate to this. Giving up would be hard enough for me but it seems like it would be devastating for him. I have been having moments lately where I think life without kids could be a-ok....but I really don't know what that would mean for my relationship in the long term. It's to scary for me to think about so I try to take it day by day.

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