It’s been dark and rainy here for weeks. Phone calls to various family members scattered across the midwest have confirmed that the whole area is in a funk. However, when I left work after my WTP appointment the sun was shining (a sign?) and it was warm (a sign?) So I decided that Tony and I should take advantage of the change in weather and have dinner at our favorite outdoor restaurant.
I called home to tell Tony the good news, but he was already cooking dinner. Luckily I can always lure him away from being responsible with a restaurant dinner and alcohol. So he finished cooking dinner and put it into the refrigerator for another day.
I haven’t had a drop to drink since June. Before my last cycle I was abstaining in favor of “clean living”. After my cycle I have been treating my depression with food rather than alcohol, so the three glasses of wine I had with dinner made me rather drunk. The conditions were right for major life decision making.
Decision #1: We should do the immune tests (me) and hormone tests (him). If we did find out anything useful it would be just as useful for a donor egg cycle as an IVF cycle with my own eggs. Done.
Decision # 2: We may as well do another IVF cycle with my eggs since we are right on the IRS tax deduction bubble (a sign?) and we have just enough insurance money left to cover most of the cost (a sign?).
Decision #3: If decision #2 doesn't work out, we are done. We will live child free, move to a new house, travel, and retire early.
We ended the evening by driving around our favorite neighborhoods and picking out our future “child free living” houses making comments like, “That house is way too big,” and “Who cares if the street is busy, there won’t be any kids playing in the front yard.”
It all seemed so clear, so easy. Liquid courage.
In the sober light of morning everything was confusing again. My head was again swimming with options and scenarios and costs and success rates.
Maybe I should just stay drunk.
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20 comments:
Sounds like being drunk was called for and a good thing, I hope you both had a good meal and a good time on the 'what if' house tour. It also sounds like you both have a plan there coming together, that's a big thing, even if it swims out of view.
Anyway, never mind the liquid, you have heaps of courage - things have been sh*t and these decisions aren't easy but you're keeping on going, doing what you need to do, taking your chances together. Keep hanging in there.
With hugs.
Some call it Liquid Courage, but I call it Truth Serum. I know things seem foggy again, I'm familiar with the rare moments of Lucidity. But keep in mind what your heart was saying once that wine took your inhabitions down.
Anyway, good for you for getting out of the house and taking in a little vino. I know if this cycle doesn't work for me, I'll be doing my part to boost the economy by stopping by a Beverages&More on the way home.
Hugs.
We had a very similar conversation recently deciding if we couldn't have kids we'd live in Spain for a while and buy a house that didn't rely on school catchment areas. It sounded quite appealing. For a while.
Hilarious! Sounds like you make great dicisions under the influence.
Sometimes you just have to make a decision and go with it!
Instead of drunk dialing, it's like drunk cycling. I approve.
I am thinking the same way as far as a "decision tree" for where to go next. I have a 2nd opinion appointment soon, and am going to ask for more tests to rule in or out whatever we can (as you said, it may be useful to determine whether a donor egg cycle makes more or less sense). We already know that my husband's hormone levels are the likely issue with the MFI, so he's cracked on on clomid and supplements now. Next we have to figure out why my ovaries are assholes who refuse to respond appropriately to stimulation.
What is the IRS tax deduction cutoff? I should know this, but have not found the right source to get a clear answer (or am not looking in the right places). Even with insurance coverage we have easily spent $10-12k on drugs, coinsurance, etc. so it would be kickass to be able to claim it.
Love it! Thank you for your universal post.You said it better than anything else.
I like your decisions, drunk or not. It sounds totally reasonable to a lurking outsider. Admittedly, some of my biggest moments of clarity have been after a few drinks. Seriously. Don't be too hard on yourself.
As for JB's question about the tax deduction, my understanding is (and I'm not a CPA) that you can deduct any medical expenses that exceed 7.5% of your AGI (adjusted gross income). For the first time ever, we're going to that little marker ourselves this year.
First of all, your post really made me want a glass of wine!
Secondly, even if things are confusing now, at least you had an opportunity to talk things out and are at a new place to begin discussions again. It's better than starting from scratch.
If there's an upside to a failed cycle, it's the wine. Seriously. It makes everything better. I think that having a plan moving forward is a great thing regardless if it came after some wine or not. I like knowing what my next steps are going to be and what I've got look forward to. Ryan and I have yet to sit down and get our "decision tree" mapped out, but maybe we should crack open some bottles this weekend. I guess we're kind of still waiting on Dr. M's opinion on things and then we go from there.
Here's to more "signs" and moving forward (oh, and some better weather! Although it's been pretty nice here in Chicago the past 2 days).
I love wine. I love hour easily decisions are made with ETOH in your veins. The next day kinda sucks- but you gotta realize even though you had the liquid courage in your system-that was you. Those were your decisions. Where they came from is still there. Doesn't make it suck any less- but hopefully you can get that feeling of "this is what we are doing now" peace back.
I think your plan is a good one. I think the sunny day is a sign. I am a huge believer of signs. **Signs, signs, everywhere is signs..blocking up my scenery, breaking my..* uh, sorry- I am breaking out in song here. :)
Sounds like a plan to me! Things are so much easier with a little truth serum. Don't let the doubt get you!
I love that! We love to point out the reasons that it's great to be child-free. I always point out the cost of diapers in the store, or how nice it is to sleep in, or how great it is to be skinny.
I love this post. I can so see DH and I doing the exact same thing -- making major life decisions while drunk, thinking we have it in the bag, only to wake up the next morning with a slight hangover and the same old feeling of confusion and worry. Good news is, you and DH fun together and that's what matters.
I think at times like these it is so important to feel normal and part of feeling normal is being able to have a drink (or two). I also found that drinking helped me loosen up with Mr. X as to what I really wanted and we were able to have some really productive conversations.
It sounds like you made the best of a bad situation and have some clear paths forward. They may not be your first (or even second choices), but they are paths and that is so important.
So, enjoy your glass or two of wine. You've more than earned it.
Drinking and making major life decisions has always seemed to go hand in hand with us as well.
I'm glad you both connected over a few glasses of wine and were able to make decisions to move forward.
Hopefully, as you begin to take the next steps you'll be able to feel more secure in your decisions.
I like that you were looking at houses. Not only because I think house window-shopping is an appropriate and delightful pastime for all occasions, but also because, IMHO, picturing a POSITIVE future - what you'll have and how you'll spend your time - is so, so, so much better than sitting in a darkened living room with a bottle of cheap wine and a box of tissues weeping quietly about the images of your future that will NOT be occurring. Fortunately or unfortunately, it is not possible to fill days, let alone decades, by FAILING to drop children off at school and attend soccer games. There's more to life, and whatnot. And I say that not because I don't think you have a chance of success in future treatment, but because I think making these decisions, especially for treatment veterans, includes allowing yourself to keep breathing even if things turn out as you didn't expect.
AHHHH HA HA HA HA!!!! Liquid courage at it's best. Driving around looking for kid free living areas gave me a laugh. I've had that fleeing thought for a moment here and there. What if we just said the heck with kids, their so much trouble anyway and not as cute when they grow up??? Heh heh. Then we come to our senses and the reality of wanting baby SLAPS us in the face. :)
Sounds like you had a good talk though. Things are confusing but you have (had?) a plan. My husband cooks and I am always getting him to drink and we put the dinner away. I hope you feel some clarity. ICLW
That is so hard. I think getting drunk is good sometimes. I'm about to go through IVF using donor egg. But now I'm wondering about this immune test. Did your RE tell you about this, or did you find out about this on your own? I wonder if I may have this issue, because I've had weird allergic reactions to things throughout my life! Thank you for your blog. I'm praying for you.
Drinking takes the edge off...it's good to be able to mix the sarcasm with reality and see what you come up with! IF decisions suck, but they are better with alcohol! :)
Oh and btw, your puppy pics are great! We are too considering a puppy purchase to fill the void in this lonely house. Hang in there, you are not alone!
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