Three Random Things

1. I would pay money to make today Friday. I'm having such a hard time going to work lately. Once I'm there I'm fine, but going is a struggle lately. Is anyone else feeling this way? Is it spring fever? Is my second job (infertility) wearing me out?

2. Hubby and I are huge documentary fans. We watched one last night called "Dear Zachary". I recommend it. I laughed. I cried.

3. I received an email yesterday from Pottery Barn Kids; Subject Line: We've Missed You.

I bet. Another reason not to buy baby stuff.

I'm In It

My IVF calendar officially started on Sunday. Not much has changed. Of course I haven't actually done anything except continue to take my birth control pills. On Monday I stopped doing a lot of things, stopped drinking alcohol, stopped drinking caffeine.

I've officially left the BFA. I've been there since March 2, two months floating around, unsure of my next steps. The picture of my future baby in my mind's eye getting fainter and fuzzier each day. There's nothing like starting an IVF cycle to snap that picture back into full focus.

For the next six weeks (I hope) my life will be lived in blocks of time. Today is not Tuesday, it is nine days until lupron. Tomorrow isn't Wednesday, it is sixteen days until baseline ultrasound. Of course as a two time IVF cancelled loser it seems decadent to think much beyond that baseline ultrasound.

Theoretically if I stack enough of these time blocks together I will end up with a baby. Of course I know better than that, but looking at the calendar on paper it seems too simple NOT to work. (But then what could be simpler than insert tab A into slot B and that didn't work.)

Baby Stuff

Years ago, before trying to conceive, hubby and I were browsing in the baby clothing section of a department store for fun. Remember when browsing in the baby aisle was fun and there was no emotional baggage attached? We saw the cutest windbreaker advertising the local professional baseball team. My husband is a huge fan, so we bought it.

It was an impulse purchase, but we rationalized, thinking it was a light jacket that could be worn in almost any season and since my husband is determined to make a child of either sex a fan of the local professional baseball team, what the heck? Why not? Looking back, it was fun. We even told people at parties that we had bought it. It was an amusing story. Look at the newly married couple already planning for their future child. No pressure. At that point in our lives we were like a child who thinks they will never die. We could get pregnant whenever we wanted, whenever we decided the time was right.

When I got pregnant, (almost two years ago now!), I bought a bassinet. I had already been looking at it online for months. I watched it go on back order and come off and I wanted it. I didn’t want to risk it going on back order again. I even made my husband assemble it when it arrived. I did this all in the four weeks between finding out that I was pregnant and finding out I wasn’t pregnant. Now the bassinet is in the basement covered with a sheet. I am so sick of looking at that sheet covered bassinet, I have seriously considered throwing it in the trash more than once.

I bought a baby blanket once, OK twice. One has green and white stripes that I saw on sale at Target and I couldn’t resist. How does Target do that? The other I bought with a Pottery Barn coupon that was about to expire. Did you know that those coupons work at Pottery Barn Kids too? If retailers carried cuter unisex baby stuff I would probably have a fully decorated and stocked nursery.

I haven’t bought anything for months and months and months…maybe a year. What have you bought?

A Short Post About Sex

When hubby and I started having sex (after we got married of course...not on our second date) I always had a much stronger sex drive than he.

This all changed after I had a miscarriage, a D&C, started fertility testing, started fertility treatments, and it started to feel like my body belonged to everyone but me. My sex drive began waning until eventually it was nothing, nada, very little sex drive what so ever. I don't need sex anymore and I rarely want it. I still have sex with my husband pretty regularly, but I'm just not into it like I used to be.

As of this weekend my husband and I had not had sex for a couple weeks. He has been sick and I certainly wasn't initiating anything.

But today...

After a weekend of my husband nagging...

And me putting him off...

We had sex...

And I LIKED IT!!!

Maybe spring is awakening more than the plants.
Let's celebrate and please tell me that I'm not the only one who has lost my sex drive through all this.

New Journal Pages

The project is an infertilty scrapbooking journal of some of my posts. You can read about it here.

This post is worth a re-read for the comments. They are priceless. I incorporated some of them into my page.


And this one.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

Throwing Sperm

OK, OK, so everyone thinks their husband is great. I mean that's why we married them.

If you will indulge me for a minute I'd like to tell you three wonderful things my husband has done this week...

1. On Monday he cooked dinner. This is no big deal. He cooks dinner pretty much every night. But on Monday he made a frozen pasta carbonara thing and picked all the peas out of mine before I got home from work. I really can't believe that someone loves me enough to pick the peas out of my dinner. He missed three peas, but I forgave him.

2. On Tuesday he brought home a bunch of ergonomic computer stuff, because I have been experiencing some seriously annoying carpal tunnel symptoms lately. (In fact, he is yelling at me to get off the laptop right now.)

3. This weekend we got a letter from the old RE's office. Apparently hubby has some frozen sperm at the lab and we have to decide what to do with it. I gave the letter to hubby and told him to check the "destroy" box and send it back. Hubby's response was, "Is there a box to check if I want it thawed and thrown in the doctor's face?" Happiness is a marriage where you have the same sick sense of humor.

I Would Make A Great Mom

Hey, don't forget to enter your knocked down hunk here. I entered my fine piece of ass. Let's celebrate the guys who support us. The deadline is Friday. Now on to the post...

I have a few things going against me in the self esteem department.

First, I grew up in a small town in Iowa. I am the daughter of blue collar parents who were children of farmers. This doesn't give me low self esteem, but rather prevents me from having high self esteem. The worst thing your can do in my family is be a braggart. For a few years after I graduated from high school, before my under insured father passed away unexpectedly, my parents enjoyed some financial success. My mother wanted to buy a Cadillac, a used Cadillac. My father refused, "We aren't Cadillac people. What would the neighbors think."

"You aren't any better than anyone else." "What do you think you are, special?" This is the way I was parented. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with the way I was parented, but it stands in contrast to the feel-good-about-yourself-and-collect-your-participation-trophy parenting techniques of today.

Second, I am a middle child. I am not the oldest, who's every developmental milestone was celebrated in awe. I am not the youngest, who's moments were cherished because they would be the last, the last first steps, the last graduation, the last one to believe in Santa Claus. I'm in the middle; second, not first, old news, but not last news.

But despite all of this, I do suffer from high self esteem from time to time. I believe I am average to slightly above average at most things that I try to do, which is a blessing and a curse. There are no big failures, but also no greatness. Of course there are some things I would like to do and have failed, miserably. I cannot sing. I cannot run. I cannot reproduce.

But I would make a great mom. Sometimes I can't help thinking that the universe is missing out by denying me the chance to be a mom. I recycle. I like to read out loud. I'm organized and I would make a great den mother. I have loads of markers and crayons and colored pencils. I love to go to parks and museums. I know how to make fish sticks and tator tots.

What would make you a great mom?