I love lupron

I was going to post today about what a rough week I have had on lupron. I have had mood swings, hot flashes, and headaches bordering on migraines. Between the headaches and the fatigue I have been going to sleep at eight o'clock each night. But now I don't care because lupron is my only hope to save this cycle. I hate having all my hope in a slutty pirate hooker of a drug like lupron. I'm trying to prepare myself for this cycle to be cancelled. I always try to do this...try and prepare for the BFN, try to prepare for the disappointment. Does the preparation ever really work? No, because I always seem to cling to a sliver of hope, and losing that last bit of hope hurts the most.

Guess Who's Cancelled Again?

Well, not quite yet, I'll know officially on Monday. Apparently my left ovary has two follicles at about a day 8 size. I get to try to shoot up some more lupron over the weekend and go back on Monday. If they are still there, I'm cancelled. I am so angry and frustrated. Let me break it down...

1. My doctor does not do baseline ultrasounds and bloodwork on day one of my period. I always know when my baseline ultrasound is when I get my protocol. I assume he does this so that all patients fit into a nice schedule. I actually started my period seven days ago and have already almost forgot that I had it. Interesting that I am on day seven after my period and have follicles of a day 8 size. I guess I was not suppressed enough.

2. After being cancelled last cycle I told my RE that I wanted more monitoring this cycle to determine if everything was on track. My RE told me that more monitoring would be a waste of my time and money. Really? Because if this cycle is cancelled I would have rather wasted my time and money.

Sorry....can't type anymore. I'm at work and I don't want to cry anymore.

How did you guys get so smart?

I don't know crap about IVF. Sure, I know the basics...they grow the eggs. They get the eggs. They fertilize the eggs. They put them back. We hope for a miracle. But I swear that is about all I know.

As I read around the blogosphere I realize that I am really stupid. I have no idea about follicle size and what size I should be at what points in my stimulation. My doctor could tell me that my lining was two inches thick and I would probably respond, "Is that good or bad?". Someone was talking about antral follicles the other day. I don't even know what that is or if I even spelled it right. I won't even know how to care about my embryos properly because I have no idea what to even hope for as normal embryonic development.

My doctor talks constantly, but usually not about any useful information. It's usually drivel about the weather or some chair he fixed in the lobby or something interesting he received in the mail. I don't even know what to ask him most of the time to get more information. So usually I ask something like, "Does everything look OK?" And then he will affirm that all is OK and we go our separate ways.

I try and look on the Internet and a little feature that I'm not sure you've heard of...it's called Google. However, when I find stuff I'm never sure if it's an authoritative source or I read so much conflicting information that I just give up.

I bought a book about IVF, but it didn't really tell me what I want to know. It seemed very basic. I want information that will tell me how my cycle is going. Are my E2, follicle size, lining measurement, and symptoms normal.

So how did you guys get so smart? And how can I get smarted up too? Do you have a trusted website you refer to? Is there a book you can recommend? Does your doctor give you a lot of information? Help a stupid girl out.

I have my baseline ultrasound today. I am going to try and ask a lot of questions and get a lot of information. I will let you know how I do.

My Turn

So, I consider myself relatively new to blogging and I am intrigued by awards. I love reading about what people are required to do to receive these awards, love the artwork, etc. but like most things in my life I am left wondering, "when is it my turn?" But now, wonder no more, I have received bling from two folks in the same day. Thanks to music maker momma and the angry infertile.

Here are the rules:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here are my ten honest things:

1. I used to want to be a presenter on QVC (you know, the shopping channel). I used to watch it for hours on end in high school, but I never ordered anything. I know alot about Diamonique and semi-precious stones.

2. If I don't like an actor's politics I won't watch their movies. Even if I really want to see the movie.

3. I grew up in a town of 75 people in rural Iowa. It was a great place to grow up. If someone made me move back there I would slit my throat.

4. I will probably watch the finale of "The Girls Next Door". I am intrigued by the whole situation of these women living with that old man. I also like to watch those Real Housewives shows and the Duggars with their whole mess of kids.

5. In the same vein as the crap TV I watch, I went to see Crossroads (the Britney Spears movie) in the theater by myself because I couldn't find anyone who would go with me.

6. My favorite old movie is Splendor in the Grass.

7. I really really love accounting in an academic sense. I love it so much that I write questions for the CPA exam.

8. I hate the fact that my nearest family lives a four hour drive away. However, everyone in my family thinks that my house is always super clean and organized because I always spend two days cleaning and organizing to prepare for their visits.

9. My father passed away when I was twenty one. My life was a total mess at the time. I cry when I think about how he never got to see me pull things together.

10. My husband and I had a very small wedding because we were paying for it ourselves and we didn't have any money (husband in grad school at the time). I get very bitter and jealous when I go to big extravagant weddings.

And I am passing along to...

Jo at MoJo Working
Eileen at We Got Hitched...Now What?
Ashely at My Life, Our Journey
Erica at Learning to Accept My Infertility
L at Baby Making Journey
S.E. at Riding the Rollercoaster
G&H at Journey to a Wondraful Baby

OK. That was a lot of work. I'm glad I had the day off work today.

The Male Factor

real conversation from our house...

Me: If you died would you want me to make a baby with your frozen sperm?

Hubby: No, I'd want you to go find a new guy and have a baby. You know if you had a different guy you'd be pregnant right away. My bad sperm is the problem.

Me: Not neccessarily. I cheat on you alot and I haven't gotten pregnant yet.

Hubby: I'm going to remember this for the Maury show when you get pregnant.


So, today I'm going to post about the elephant in the room that appears when I talk with my friends about our infertility. In all of our testing the only thing we can identify as a problem is my husband's sperm. How do I feel about that?

1. I do not feel as though my husband is less of a man for having poor sperm. My husband is six foot four, played football in high school, and broke his hand in a drunken fight in college. He is a guy's guy. Even if he wasn't a guy's guy, I wouldn't think of him as less of a man. I won't be less of a woman when I go through menopause.

2. I do not blame him for our infertility problems. Even though we haven't had any bad testing on me, I don't think doctors know everything about infertility. I site all the couples who have unexplained infertility and no baby. Just because we can't identify a problem with me, I can't assume I'm fertile. I've never gotten pregnant with anyone else...and I could have...trust me I could have.

3. I am bitter that it seems like I have to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to IVF. It's frustrating that all he has to do is jack off into a cup. And despite what he says about the embarassment and akwardness, I think he gets some enjoyment out of it. However, even if the identified problem was with me, I would still be bitter that I have to do all the work.

There are only a handful of people who I have told about our infertility and everyone seems to want to know who has the problem. One person actually told me, "well, thank God it's not you who has the problem." Yep, thank God indeed, because it's so easy to have a baby by yourself.

I don't really think it matters who has the identified problem in our relationship. We are married so this isn't his problem or my problem. This is our problem. This is our issue. Together.

So let me hear it MFI girls. How do you feel? How does your husband feel? How do people react?

Thanks for the awards yesterday...gives me something to post about tomorrow!

Requiem for a Friendship?

Hubby and I have some real life couple friends who are dealing with infertility. Our infertility journeys have run along a parallel course with a few differences. We have been trying longer. We had a miscarriage. He has kids from a prior marriage. They had a vasectomy reversal.

Besides those differences our paths have been the same. We started Clomid at the same time and took it for about the same number of months. We both chose to go straight to IVF and not do IUI. We’ve both been unsuccessful in all attempts to get pregnant and stay that way.

I’ve always wondered what will happen when one of us succeeds. Will our friendship survive? My friend just transferred two embryos on Friday, with two to spare that were frozen. My husband has already told me that he is bitter that they made it to transfer on their first cycle while our first cycle was cancelled. He doesn’t have much hope for our new cycle being an “expect the worst” kind of person.

I know how I would probably feel if a friend not going through infertility told me she was pregnant. I would probably go into modified avoidance mode or total avoidance mode depending on the original level of friendship. But how will I feel in this instance? Will I be happy for them because they have been through so much? Or will I be insanely jealous because we have done the exact same things and still don’t have a baby?

If their cycle succeeds and our cycle fails I’m sure I can be brave for awhile because surely we will be next and our next cycle will be successful, but what if it’s not? What if they succeed and I remain barren and have to watch yet another couple have a healthy baby (or two)? It’s just the same old feeling once again. I will be thrilled for them if they are successful, but DAMN IT, I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL TOO!!!!!

There’s too much on the line with infertility; future happiness, sanity, marital relationship, financial security, friendships…just to name a few. The stakes are so high.

I know, I know, we could both be successful and our relationship could bloom into play dates and such. But I’m an infertile. I have a hard time being that optimistic.

I'm on Lupron and I Will Rip Your Freakin Head Off

Ever since I started taking lupron I have felt very "on edge" like any little thing might set me off. I don't remember feeling this way before when I was taking lupron. This has impacted my life in the following ways:

1. I snap at my husband. When he suggested that the refrigerator needed to be cleaned out I said, "You live in this house too so point that finger right around to you. Don't blame me because the refrigerator is a mess." I've also started ending a lot of my sentences with, "Come on. This is ridiculous."

2. I wrote an email to the President...of the United States, and it wasn't very nice. I am not a political person so this is very out of character for me.

3. At work I went off a little bit on the IT group that was trying to get us to sign off on testing with a less than twenty four hour turn around. (I did get some high fives from my coworkers though.)

Yesterday, this all turned around and I spent all day telling my husband how much I loved him. When I wasn't telling him how much I loved him, I was thinking about how much I loved him.

Has anyone else had this reaction to lupron...or am I, in fact, losing my mind?