Monday, February 22, 2010

Insult, Meet Injury

So after the negative pregnancy test on Friday, I started bleeding. Not spotting…bleeding. Not just bleeding, but bleeding more than I have in months and months. In a perverse way I’m almost proud of how much my body does not want to be pregnant; expelling uterine lining and embryos a full three days before my beta.

I didn’t really know what to do when the bleeding started so quickly and violently, so I kept up with my Prometrium and Endometrium suppositories. I kept telling myself that if the bleeding doesn’t stop by *insert time* I’ll stop taking the medicine. But I just couldn’t stop myself.

I wasn’t going to go to my blood draw this morning, sort of a final middle finger to the whole medical establishment. However, last night I started having stabbing abdominal pains that made me wonder if I might have gone ectopic. So I went. They are calling Tony with the results and I know he won’t tell me while I’m at work. He’s currently not answering his office line.

I can’t believe that the closest we ever got to being parents was after four months of trying on our own. For four blissful weeks we thought we were going to be a family with a mommy, daddy, and baby not knowing that the mass of baby-like cells that caused the pregnancy test to turn positive had stopped developing weeks earlier.

We’ve spent almost three years chasing that high and never got any closer, never even got that close again.

We found out last week that we had nothing to freeze.

Fuck.

Update: I'm officially negative.

61 comments:

Carrie said...

Shit balls.
I'm sorry....and this royally sucks. Wish I could do something to help you feel better right now. Sending you hugs......

Eggs said...

Oh dude. I am so sorry. I feel your shit storm, I honestly do. I'm so sorry this didn't turn out differently. I'm sending you a big virtual hug. There's still a spot of hope here, but if you're anyting like me, those "miracles" only happen to other people's friends. I hope I'm wrong this time for you.

Sorry babe.

Once Upon A Time said...

I am so so sorry. Thinking of you.

JB said...

I am so, so sorry.

Meg. said...

I have no words. This world is f***ed up, plain and simple. I wish so badly that your babies would come home to you. *hugs*

Nic said...

Oh fuck. I am so sorry. Wish there were some words to mak ethis all better but there isnt
fuck

Hillary said...

I'm so sorry. This is ridiculously unfair. Hugs.

Mrs.X said...

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. It just sucks - no other way to put it.

Eggie said...

I'm really, really sorry. That totally sucks and is completely unfair.

mnrn said...

I am so very sorry, and agree with everyone. This sucks and is truly and completely unfair.

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm so sorry. I wish things were different for you and Tony.

heartincharge said...

Again, I don't have any words. I just wanted send you some more love. I'm so sorry. This sucks as much as things can suck.

Lisa said...

Fuck. I'm so sorry. I really am. Fuck.

Amanda said...

Sorry for all this crap. A person should only have to endure so much!

theimpatientoptimist said...

This is rotten. So rotten. And so damn unfair. I really wish things had gone differently for you, this cycle and all the others. You do not deserve to go through this crap.
Thinking of you.

pen* said...

words are futile right now. but i am so so sorry.

womb for improvement said...

Nothing by halves.

I'm so sorry.

Bean stalk ballads said...

Fuck megan. I am so sorry to hear your news.

Pie said...

Ugh, it really does suck. Damn. I'm so sorry.

kdactyl said...

Oh ... I just don't know what else to say. This is shitty, shitty, shitty!

I'm so sorry.

kd

Jem said...

I'm with all the other commentators: Shit and Fuck. Mixed together in a crap cocktail. The lack of frosties is just the icing on the cake.

I am so sorry. Just know that you are not alone. It may seem that everyone out there is getting PG, but some of us are in the same shitty boat. Not that it will make you feel any better. It does make me feel better to know that I'M not the only miserable one out there. Does that make me a c*nt. Probably.

Rebecca said...

I'm just so sorry.

jenicini said...

I'm so sorry girl. Thinking of you.

strongwoman said...

I am just so incredibly, unbelievably sorry.

Pundelina said...

What a fucking crapstorm of awfulness. :(

I'm so very, very sorry that this cycle didn't work out and that there was nothing to freeze. God only knows how you're coping. Sending you all my love and lots of hugs.

x

Illanare said...

This sucks so much, I'm so sorry.

AmyG said...

So much invested. What a terrible disappointment. I'm so sorry.

Elizabeth said...

Wow -- I'm just de-lurking to say I am so, so sorry this is happening to you it sounds totally and completely crappy and awful and, really, I'm just so sorry. It sucks. We cycled together about this time last year (I was doing an FET) and I've followed on and off ever since. Anyway, not that it helps, but please know I'm sending you love and support.
Elizabeth

Andie said...

I'm so sorry.

Thinking of you.

Just me said...

I'm sorry. Dealing with the end of another cycle myself, and feeling shitty too. We can wallow together. :(

{{hugs}}

Mad Hatter said...

I am so very sorry and sad to hear this - my heart goes out to you both.
Love,
Maddy

PJ said...

damn, I was so hoping this was it for you.

babydreaming said...

Really don't have the words to say to you, but damn it. I'm really f*cking pissed on your behalf. It's just not fair.

Thinking of you.

Jendeis said...

This sucks; I'm sorry.

lis said...

im so sorry that your IVF turned to shit. its so unfair that you and your husband have to go through this again. i wish i had the words to say to help you feel better, but know that you are not alone even though it seems like nothing but pregnancy announcements lately, there are still those of us who are treading through this minefield of IF with you. last week when i was at my nephew's christening, the day my girls would have been born i got the most violent, forceful period just as you describe. it was as if my body was trying to remind me: YOU AREN'T PREGNANT ASSHOLE in bright red flashing lights. thanks, no kidding.
my prayer today is that you will find a glimmer of peace and the hope to start over. that's the best part about this shit-filled journey, hope springs eternal so let yourself heal with the hope of better days.
xoxo

Leslie said...

I am so very sorry!

gwinne said...

I am so very sorry. I so wanted you to have your miracle.

KuKd Chick said...

Man oh goddamned man. This is really frustrating and disappointing to read...I'm so sorry to hear that, dude. I hope I'm allowed to still keep up with you and post here (eek! am I?). I wish I knew the perfect thing to say, but all I can think of is this sucks. I'm still harboring lots of hope that you will come out on top of this whole mess. Fingers crossed.

finch said...

It's just not fair. Sorry.

lastchanceivf said...

God I'm just so sorry. Hold onto your DH and rage at the universe, it's ok...we get it.

irrationalexuberance said...

Oh Shit, Megan, this is just a complete double decker shit sandwich. I'm very sorry.

Kate said...

Fuck is right. So sorry.

Peaches said...

I'm so sorry and a heavy AF doesn't help. I wish I had some words of comfort for you.

Baby bump bound said...

Nooooooooo! I can barely type through my tears!!!!! The universe can suck it!!!!! You deserve ( we all deserve- the strong amazing women we are) to be mothers!!
I am without words beyond sadness and frustration.
You and your sweet man are in my warmest thoughts.... I'm so sorry!

Panamahat said...

Megan I am SO sorry. I was hoping with every cell of my being that this would work out for you. I am sorry beyond belief that you had nothing to freeze and I am really feeling for you right now. I wish I could do more.

Rebecca said...

Wow...... I am SO pissed for you....

My last IVF ended this way, with my period coming before my beta. I kept up with the suppositories too. I just couldn't stop either.

And I wanted to blow off the blood test. Hey, why did I pay you all this money for nothing, RE? D*&^ it!!

And now our savings account is depleted... so we cannot pursue adoption... A cruel, cruel joke...

Yep, we spent over $20,000 and 3 years of treatment and wishing and praying, all to not get as close as we did that first, first time we became pregnant in 2006. Man, the high is hard to forget.

I'm sitting with you in this place, wishing we were both someplace else.

Willow said...

I'm so sorry :( That just sucks. When I did IVF, we had only 4 eggs, 3 embies, nothing to freeze. Numbers weren't good at 1st beta and were terrible by the 2nd. It all came out a week later. That's the most pregnant I've ever been. Terrible that this crap happens. Boo.

'Murgdan' said...

Fuck. I'm just sorry. And I know that doesn't even begin to cover it.

Kate said...

I am so very, very sorry.

mekate said...

God Megan, I am so sorry. I was hopeful, still, in spite of the bleeding-- I really was.
And I am so very sorry for this whole darn thing, it feels so awful, and I know nothing can be said to make a damned bit of difference. I am sending love to you and your darlin. And I just wish beyond wishing it could have been different.

hugs to you and a big shot of tequila.
and a chocolate cake.
(wouldn't it be great if any of this actually helped?)

so sorry sweet lady.
love, Kate

theclam said...

I am so sorry. Here from LFCA.

xxx

Megan said...

I am so, so sorry.

Here from LFCA.

Bluebird said...

I'm so incredibly sorry. There are no words.

cowgirltn said...

Damn it

babyinterrupted said...

Here from LFCA - and so very sorry. Words just don't cut it.

Danielle said...

Stopping in from LFCA. So sorry to hear this. There are no words and I wish you much peace in the coming days.

birdsandsquirrels said...

Megan, I am so sorry. I was so hoping it would be a late bfp. I am so so fucking mad at the universe for you. It's just not fair. And nothing to freeze? Wow. Just fucking wow. I don't understand why this keeps happening. You are a good person. You and Tony SO DESERVE to get pregnant from at least one of these goddamn IVF cycles. FUCK. I just can't stop swearing. Please know that there are so many of us out here that have been thinking of you and holding hope for you and being devastated for you at news like this. Sending you virtual hugs and warm from the oven chocolate chip cookies.

infertilityrocks said...

Megan, I haven't been keeping up with old blog friends due to my own stuff. But I saw this on LCFA. In my mind I'm climbing up to the top of my roof and shouting: No fair! no fair! no fair! I'm so deeply sorry for this loss. Crying and pissed off with you, my friend.

Eve

myinfertilitywoes said...

Here from LCFA to give you big, big hugs. I'm so sorry. Hugs again...

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