Tuesday, February 23, 2010

If I Were To Interview Myself Today

Are you really done trying to have a child?

Before this cycle the answer was yes, we are done. Now the answer is maybe. We are definitely done trying to conceive a child with my eggs. I am OK with this and have been for a long time. I don’t think my genetic material is particularly special and I personally believe that nurture plays a bigger role than nature. We have only continued with my eggs for this long because it was the most cost effective option for us. I have had insurance to cover procedures up to this point (not that we haven’t spent tens of thousands of dollars of our own money.) If I could have applied that insurance to a donor eggs cycle I would have done so this last cycle.

However, even though we are very open to moving forward with donor eggs, we have decided to try child free living first. I feel very blessed that at age thirty two donor eggs are a viable option for me for several years. We are going to take advantage of that luxury and try child free living for a year or two. Then we will make a decision. If we are OK with it, we will continue on living sans bebe. If we are not OK with it then we will explore other treatment options like donor eggs.

What about adoption?

If someone would place a baby in my arms right now and ask me to raise it I would love and nurture that child like no one’s business. But I know it’s not that easy. We had a taste of the adoption experience when we started the process of becoming foster parents several months ago. At that time we realized that we could not continue cycling and become foster parents at the same time and dropped out. However, we went through enough of the home study experience to realize that adoption is freaking hard, just as hard as IVF cycling and I don’t think we have the strength right now.

Also, my husband’s heart is not open to open or international adoption which I know would make the process that much harder. I personally believe in open adoption. Since we are so far apart on this issue I think that adoption is not right for us right now.

Do you feel like a quitter?

Absolutely. I believe that if you really want a baby you will get there one way or another. I really want a baby, so why am I quitting? I struggle with this a lot. Part of the reason that I am quitting is that my husband no longer wants to continue, part of the reason is financial, part of the reason is that I feel in my gut that this is the right decision for me right now. However, for my own sanity I have to think of this as an extended year or two year long break. Right now I just can’t admit that I’m done.

We did not get our dream come true, but our nightmare has ended and that feels good.

So what is the plan?

We are very committed to giving child free living a try. Our four-bedroom-perfect-for-kids house is officially on the market and we are looking for smaller homes in a historic district in a bad school district. Once we move, Bo will get a brother, which is something that my extremely social dog needs desperately. I have also looked at this as an opportunity to really examine my life and choices. Am I in the right career? How will I leave a legacy if I don’t have children? What opportunities are open to me that might not be open if I had children? How soon can I retire?

I’m actually somewhat excited about answering these questions.

You sound so upbeat and together about this. What is your secret?

Don’t believe a word of it. I am a mess inside. I’m sad. I’m angry. I cry. I emailed my family telling them that I didn’t want to speak to anyone right now, possibly for a few months. Tony thinks I need to be on antidepressants and I don’t necessarily disagree. I just refuse to let this ruin my life so I am trying to find something-anything good and positive to hang on to. My attitude changes minute by minute. I’m totally in the grief cycle and hanging on for dear life.

Are you still going to blog?

Yep. I think that my story still has merit. It’s a different story now and it won’t be the right story for everyone, but I hope some folks will still be interested.

31 comments:

lis said...

wow.
first of all great idea to 'interview' yourself. that in its own right has merit.
secondly, i don't think you are being a quitter or quitting. you are living and doing so in the way that feels right to you. i hope it brings you some peace. when i look back on my own TTC journey, a moment that sticks out as a really happy time is when we decided it was time for a break. such a comfort to be able to put it out of my mind. hope you find comfort and your true path through your choices.
*bo is adorable :)

areyoukiddingme said...

You're not a quitter. Quitters stop when things get difficult, and I think you've gone waaay beyond difficult (right into just about impossible).

I hope the next few years will bring some resolution to your quest, in whatever form resolution takes. I'd just like to see your sense of humor return. Can't wait to see what Bo's brother looks like - he's hard to top on the cuteness scale. Maybe you should go bulldog or pug for some contrast? Something with a hideous underbite, at least! :)

I'm glad you'll keep blogging. Will you update your title, since you'll be keeping your bottoms on for a bit?

twelvegrapes said...

I totally understand what you mean about being in the grief cycle. It takes great strength to carry on through the journey you have both been on. You need to do what is right for you and only you can know what that is. Thank you for sharing your struggle. It helps those of us in a similar boat cope and feel not so alone. Sending you strength and good thoughts for your next chapters. :)

Laura said...

I stumbled onto your blog about a month ago. You have me hooked. I'm very sorry this cycle didn't end the way you'd hoped. I admire your strength and honesty about the whole process. DH and I struggled with IF for many years. I can relate to much of what you say and you express yourself well. I think your child free living time will be great. And regardless of the path you are on, in my opinion you have to be able to look back with no regrets. And it sounds like you are taking steps to do just that. Thanks for sharing your story.

JB said...

Thank you for sharing this with us and for articulating what so many have felt and may feel right now, wherever they are in their IF path. I hope things get a little easier for you in the coming weeks and months, and I absolutely admire your plans for a new home, a new dog, possibly a new career, and a new and improved life. You deserve it.

S said...

I am sorry for what you are going through. I applaud you for having the strength to make plans and move forward.

I agree that your story still has merit and will still be reading with interest.

Eggie said...

Good luck, Megan.

Transplant said...

Another de-lurker writing to say that I'll also be reading with interest! (I've been subscribed through Google Reader for some time.) Thanks for your ever-so-thoughtful posts.

B. said...

I wouldn't consider you a quitter either, and I hope you're able to let that label go at some point. I wonder sometimes if we should have spent all the money we did; if maybe living child-free would have been enough for us... smaller house, the opportunity to change careers or go back to school, living anywhere regardless of what the schools are like. As painful as I know it's been to get to this point in your life, I'm glad you have time to take this extended break and reevaluate your situation. I'll still be reading, and cheering you on in whatever direction you decide to follow.

Pie said...

You (and your story) do have merit, and I don't see your situation as quitting at all. Maybe you are not the path you thought you would be on, but that is different than quitting. I really appreciate your honesty, and I think your feelings are familiar to many of us.

Kate said...

I agree with others as well - I don't see it as quitting, rather making a choice that's better for you and your marriage. Time will tell, and while things suck now living child free will give you the opportunity to reasses.

AmyG said...

What a terribly difficult decision. It sounds wonderfully well considered. I hope your spirits lift soon.

hope4joy said...

It seems like you have really done some soul searching and come up with a plan to survive this. Thank you for sharing it and being so honest. I hope you find your answers and admire your strength.

kdactyl said...

I would never use quitter to describe you at all. IF sucks ass and often times is is the stopping (not quitting) that takes the most courage. I love your idea of giving "child free" a chance....if nothing else...just go back to enjoying each other like you did before this all started. Once your allotted time is up, you can re-evaluate and you will be in a better state of mind to do it.

I don't want to push you...but my DH and I also went through the foster classes last year because we wanted a 2nd child but at 42 we were not going to do IVF again becuase it took too long to get our 1st child and we didn't have any insurance to cover it. DH doesn't want international or open adoption either. BUT...just like you we discovered it wasn't for us....and just as we made that decision someone mentioned a different kind of adoption....embryo adoption. Very affordable and lots of different ways to do it. I encourage you to take a look at this blog when you feel you might be ready http://3babes2jens1cause-embryoadoption.blogspot.com/

A couple women have put this together to help people understand and know the options of Embryo Adoption.

I have great hope that your time off to just live and love and bring a new puppy into the house will be the best medicine for you and your marriage. I know you and your DH will love getting out of the constraints of the "calendar" and just have fun.

Once again...I am so sorry this cycle sucked ass soooo badly. YOu really are handling it very well considering how shitty it is.

Lots of hugs,
kd

irrationalexuberance said...

TO echo the other women -- you are not a quitter. You are brave enough to listen to how you feel and to trust what you and your husband want.

I think that what you are doing sounds awesome. And I think that it's ok to be scared of the changes and of the future, but that it can be really really exciting too.

mybumpyjourney said...

You are definately NOT a quitter. I am proud of you and your journey. I will always follow you as long as you are willing to tell us your story. :) {HUGS}

Kim said...

I love your new outlooks and plan, albeit couldnt have been an easy decision to come to. You have obviousely put much thought and consideration into it all and answering the new questions is going to be fun. Quitters just wipe their hands clean and walk away. You are taking a different course, your map/directions have changed, that's all. As everyone else has stated, you have been through some of the most difficult times already and got through them. Hold that chin up hight. I am looking forward to your future blogs! xoxoxoxoxoxox

Kate said...

I'm still interested in reading along.
I takes a strong person to reflect on their life (and their husband's life, and their relationship) like you have. And to draw conclusions and act on them? Wow.
Good luck selling the house and finding something you love more. Hopefully you'll either embrace childless living, or will end up finding another route to motherhood.
I'm not surprised you're going through an emotional rollercoaster right now though. Hang in there.

Michelle said...

You definitely are not a quitter. I admire your strength and am happy for you in whatever decision you make. I will be here to listen whenever you write no matter what you write. I wish peace and happiness and I hope all your dreams come true!

Sarah said...

Not a quitter. A strong, brave woman, who deserves to get herself together. You know infertility is kind of like a permanent grief cycle. It sucks. No other way to describe ;) And of course we will still be reading....:)

Lisa said...

I believe your story has merit and while on one hand, my heart breaks for you and Tony, on the other hand, I'm excited for you to embark on the next year or 2 of your life living TTC free.

You have a reader in me, always.

Thinking of you.

heartincharge said...

I think your decision is a strong testament to your love for your husband and your decision to live your life as a partnership. I admire it. I think you are going about this in a very mature way.

theimpatientoptimist.wordpress.com said...

This must have been difficult to write. To be honest, it was difficult to read.
While most of us IFers would do anything for a baby, it's true that when you choose to become a parent other aspects of your life take a backseat. I'm glad that you can see there are other exciting and fulfilling things to fill your life with. You will have many opportunities that parents miss out on. That doesn't ease the heart-ache though.
Let yourself be an emotional mess for a while. You need that time in order to come through the other side feeling resolved about your decisions.
It might seem condescending to say this about someone I know only through the medium of the WWW, but I'm proud of you. I hope you're proud of yourself too.

loribeth said...

Here from LFCA. I am sorry this cycle didn't turn out as you had hoped. And I wanted to add my voice to the chorus & say you are not a quitter. It's easy to think, "I'll do anything to have a child" before you realize that "anything" is a heck of a lot more complicated & costly than you realized (& I'm not just talking money). There is no shame in stepping back or completely away from the situation, and rethinking what you want to do with your life.

I am living childfree after IF & loss (& at 49, I know it's a permanent thing). While it is not the path for everyone, I know that taking a break away from treatment can be a very good thing. Whatever path you ultimately find yourself on, I hope this time gives you what you need. (((hugs)))

Delenn said...

Coming from LFCA. Your post was heartfelt and thoughtful. I wish you luck on this path and hope that whatever may come your way brings you peace and happiness.

barrenlands said...

I hope you do continue to share your story... all of us have been through a journey and this little community we have is an important one, regardless of what path we choose. Your blog is definitely one I read (though I never seem to know what to comment!) Because of this, I've nominated you for a beautiful blogger award.

mekate said...

Oh Megan,
A million times, if I were younger, I would have taken a break, a long one, and just tried to refind my self, my happy, my equilibrium.
I will not talk you into or out of anything, but I am willing to beg shamelessly to have you keep blogging.
Please, Megan, keep blogging.

This is not about quitting, it is about survival and evolution of what is possible.

I'm honored to be along for your journey.
with love,
Kate

Samantha02 said...

I am with mekate when she said please keep blogging. I am so sorry for all your pain. I really hope that your break gives you all the answers you are searching for. Also, good luck with the housing search.

Kate said...

I am sorry you are hurting- when you need distration to think about Bo's brother go to my website- http://www.goldengirlskennels.com - we have the cutest goldren retrevres ever.

Hugs.

Sooz said...

Definitely keep blogging -- what would I read if you didn't?! :)

I really appreciate your candid posting. These are some of the same questions that I ask myself. I don't think I could do adoption at this point in my life and I know many of my friends that are child free by choice.

I think your decision to take an extended break is a great one. We'll also be here for you!

lovecomesfirst said...

I've been reading backwards through your blog and I got to this point and I had to stop and comment. I can't bear to keep reading through the failed IVF cycle... Your posts have been like looking in a mirror. We are on our last IVF before we call it quits - only our second one but I have responded poorly both times. I'm glad the last few months have brought you more strength. As I think about where I will go from here, it looks a lot like where you are. Thanks for continuing to write.

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