Thursday, February 25, 2010

Ground Zero

I haven't really started child-free living yet. I'm child-free, but I'm not living.

My days consist of waking in the morning and going to work. Spending way too much time on the Internet while at work between doing what needs to be done in order to keep my job and appearing somewhat engaged. Coming home and changing clothes. Sitting on the sofa all night and alternating between watching TV, surfing the Internet, and playing Minesweeper. Then it's off to bed.

Sadness. Despair. Depression.

Sadness. Despair. Depression.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Today I looked around at my life.

My marriage has been changed by this journey and not for the better. We have always been a happy, laid back, and fun loving couple. That was "our thing". We didn't take much seriously. I'm wondering what it will take for us to get that back. I feel more insecure in my marriage than I have ever felt.

I have not put much effort into my job for over a year now. People don't seem to have noticed much (except possibly a couple coworkers), but it has made me very paranoid about being laid off or fired. Since there have been layoffs and firings a plenty in my office lately, my work life basically sucks. Every rumor or piece of gossip sends me into a paranoid tailspin of checking my dwindling savings account and calculating how long we could survive without my salary.

I am not speaking to my family. My mother is quite frankly a mother. She could never understand what I am going through. She also has an uncanny ability to say the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. I can't risk that right now. My sister will most probably be a mother soon and most probably without much effort. Because, quite frankly...that just seems to be how my life works. I am preemptively not speaking to her because a pregnancy announcement would put me over the edge.

I am fatter than I have ever been. My clothes are not fitting. I gained an amazing amount of weight this last cycle, but I can't bear to step on the scale to tally it up. All I want to eat is McDonald's sausage egg and cheese biscuits and ice cream. I have been doing this frequently.

This is ground zero. This is my bottom. There is nowhere to go, but up.

Right?

I don't like to think of my life as tragic, but I have had enough tragedy in my life to know that only time will make things better. I will never be OK about this, but in time I will be better.

I think I will let myself continue to wallow until the weekend, then it will be time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start moving on.

Here I come. I'm almost ready. Let's go. I just have to get off the couch...

38 comments:

Nic said...

I hear ya!! What you are describing is eactly how I feel and what I do of an evening.
It is such a hard slum to get out of.
I hope you get your dream soon
Take care
x

caretotry said...

I can't say I know how you feel but offering a virtual hug.

Life has to get better at some point right?

areyoukiddingme said...

I love Minesweeper. When I start seeing it when I close my eyes, I know it's time to stop.

I think you deserve a (limited) time to wallow in despair. And this weekend, find something fun to do with your husband. Just go to the mall and make fun of people, if that will help. Go see a movie or a play or a concert. Get outside of yourself for a little while. Or get stinking drunk and TP your mom's house.

Will it help if I tell you that everything will be OK?

Bluebird said...

I think that's a perfect plan. Allow yourself to wallow, but set a cutoff. Makes sense to me. . .

Here's hoping the wallowing "helps," in some way.

Brandy said...

I could have written this post word for word, right down to the weight gain. I feel ya.

www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

Mo and Will said...

Oh Megan, our lives sound so similar. Although I'm going through the motions of another cycle, because...um...I'm not sure why. Because i can't find a better use for $30k? In truth, because the alternative, giving up, scares me to death. I hear you. Every word, every pound, every McDonalds Sausage Egg and Cheese, every computer game, every marital conflict and job insecurity, the whole enchilada. With you. And hoping things get easier soon.

Mo

S said...

I'm sorry. I have no words that will make you feel better. Just wanted you to know that I am reading and I care.

womb for improvement said...

Right. There is nowhere to go but up, but don't force yourself to click right back into shape by the weekend. Take your time. And take care.

Life Happens said...

I feel the same way. Just going through the motions. Not motivated at work at all and spend most of my working hours reading blogs. I do the minimum to get by. Same old thing EVERY.SINGLE.DAY!!

I hope and pray things will start to look up for you. Thanks for writing about how I feel.

Jendeis said...

I feel terrible that you are going through this. This blows. (And I perfectly understand if you say "eff you" and pass this by).

Ooh, catcha is "rising". I rise, I rise, and still, I rise.

A said...

I am sure I don't have the exact right words, but I just want to offer prayers and emotional support right now. I don't know whether I've ever commented or not, but I've stopped by several times in your last cycle, and I'm so sorry that it did not work.

Will be praying for you as you get ready to move on, whenever that might be (hug).

Mrs.X said...

This is grief - plain and simple - and unfortunately, not something that can be banished easily. BUT - it is important to go through it because when you are done, you will be ready to embrace the next chapter. I know this.

Wallow away, avoid your family and indulge. But, when you hit that point that you have had enough, start doing small things that help you get back to being you. You will get through this, just like everything else.

SassyIfLady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SassyIfLady said...

I wish I could give you a hug. I think a lot of us know exactly how you feel. IF sucks everything out of you - weight gain, marriage crap, family crap, sleeplessness, fear, etc. The list goes on and on. Now is a great time to snuggle up to your dog - because dogs are great - they don't care about IF - they just love you unconditionally. I wish you peace of mind. Maybe there is something this weekend the two of you can do to get your mind off things...sometimes even just going to a dog park can help me zone out! Good luck and take care of yourself

Destiny said...

I am new to reading your blog, so please forgive me if I am not up to date, but have you ever looked into clinical trials. I'm told they have alot of different trials around the world that are free or little cost to the patients. I would have tried this route myself, had I not been forced to get a full hysterectomy (sp) at 32 yrs of age. Maybe something to think about. Hang in there...and good luck.

Pie said...

Ugh, I'm sorry, I don't really have any words that will make it easier, but just know we are all here to listen. And I know I've had those times (directly IF related) of feeling depressed, couch-bound, fat and sad. I hope you find a way from bottom soon. ((((HUGS))))

Melissa G said...

Fuck. I hate this. I'm so sorry.

Hugs.

AmyG said...

Big hug from me too. I hope your spirits start to lift soon and than your current two-human family soon becomes a source of strength and hope for happier days.

Andie said...

I hear you - on all of it. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Allow yourself time to grieve, and to heal.

Thinking of you.

Amber said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. So sorry for what you're going through.

Kim said...

Sometimes no words seem big enough to wrap around a person and bring them comfort. To give them a space to fall apart and then the love, compassion and empathy to put themselves back together again.
But know that even though we've never met - I want to send those words to you. To join in with all the voices and hearts that are sending you love and compassion, when it's so hard to feel it for yourself.

One thing I've come to believe through this whole, trying to become a mom thing and life in general - is that life can be damn difficult. And it can feel like god is shitting on our head. And then other times, in small moments we are able to feel ourselves rise up. We can see some beauty again.

You are a strong and resiliant woman. And that doesn't mean you always have to be strong.

You're wondering about your legacy. You've helped me to not feel so alone in my struggles. And, you've made me laugh. I can only imagine that is true for others who have been touched by your blog and who are lucky enough to have you in their "real" lives.

Sarah said...

I might as well copy & paste Brandy's comment. I felt like your post was my reflection. Please hang in there :) Sometimes when I'm going through an extra bad couple of weeks, I give my an allowance of one or two days just to feel like complete crap, wallow in it, cry, retail therapy or whatever I need to do! I tell myself ok, in few days I need to get my ass up and start taking care of me and my life. There's no shame in feeling that way. What you are going through is hard. Just know, that we know, how it is and we're here for you :)

Sarah said...

p.s. I have a Goldie too! :)

Kaz and Amy said...

I'm praying for you...I know exactly where you've been...BUT there is Hope...Keep fighting friend...

Libby said...

This thing you call minesweeper... hmmm... something you can play at work? Just kidding - I spend enough time lately reading fertility blogs at work, and I totally understand your paranoia.

Sorry to say, I can relate to your post. I've been preferring Big Macs of late. That special sauce is probably going to kill me if all the drugs I've injected don't get the job done first. I justify the Mac thing b/c I give one patty and piece of bread to the dog. He's a 13 year old lab, and by golly, he's got to live a little too ;o

Seriously though, I hope things start looking up for you. I really do.

thegalwho said...

When did you start writing about my life on your blog?

Big hugs
xx

goosiegander said...

OMG This could practically be my story so similar its quite scary, i have been trying for 7years and live on the otherside of the world lol...even around the same age!!! I have just started blogging myself but im finding it really good to actually write everything down. Hoping and Praying for you and Me and everyone else out there going through this pain that we all become mothers in the very near future!!

Take care

Bean stalk ballads said...

Megan. Unfortunately, I too know Ground Zero. I was there 3 months ago. Mine consisted of Dexter, seasons 1,2 and three... non stop. I too was 25 kilograms heavier than when I started. I too was out of hope, dreams, and dough.
what has changed? Not much except time. I am still out of dough. I am 4.4 kilograms lighter (as I started weight watchers when I was ready). I dont want to kill mothers of newborns quite as much. I can laugh now and have a good time. Megan, you are ok and this place is doing what it needs to do right now. when you are ready, you will leave it.
I am thinking of you. It will get easier... most of the time.

Debbs said...

I have to say when we we hit our "ground zero" ( yes some days it feels like we are still there 7 years later), we changed our life. We changed it to make it ours again. We lived out of my husband semi for 3-1/2 years( saw just about everywhere in North America), I became a trucker and we moved away from family, to relearn each other. It takes time and work to get a new place. You may not be able to go back to were you guys where before and if you do it will more than likely be different. I wish you luck on this next chapter, and that all it is, it is just another chapter in your book.

wheresmy2lines said...

I could have written this myself. Im so sorry.
xxx

talesphoenix said...

I'm so sorry for this loss. Take the time you need to grieve. I've given up on my eggs after I got a negative in December. Still grieving too, but moving, a lot. It's what helps keep me sane. Huge hugs.

twondra said...

I'm so sorry. I know there are no words. Always here for you sweetie. (((HUGS)))

Jennifer said...

I just found your blog through another blog. I am so sorry. Nothing I can say will make it better. I think staying on the couch for a while is necessary.

Rebecca said...

I am SO sorry. I have been / am still there. The weight gain - sucks for now, but for later, it's gonna come off. I've found exercise to be one of the few ways I can feel in control. But for now....

EAT UP! Whatever you want - it's time for 'radical self-care' as my therapist puts it. Who I see every week I might add. And some antidepressants are very handy. Rest, spend too much (tricky for me now that the account is fast-o-dwindling), let your pup-pup love on you.

As for marriage - men and women are not on the same page when it comes to infertility. duh. Enter my therapist. Though some days I want to seriously injure my husband - like today when he left major scratches on my car bumper from loading in a treadmill. Thank God I had already backed into a utility pole when ... leaving my therapist. I tell you, this life....

My DH won't let me try donor eggs. :( So, for now, we are trying to save up $25,000 for adoption and it's going just shitty.

Which is why I'm on the couch, Girl Scout cookies in hand....

Ernie said...

I can really related to some points in your post. I truly hope things improve for you soon. Best wishes, and take care of yourself!

lastchanceivf said...

It's so true that this can be all encompassing and it seeps into every.facet.of.our.lives. I think it's important to have ample wallow time--it is traumatic to go through this so many times and still be unsuccessful--but you're right, time will make it better. No ok, but better.

Hugs.

Sarah & Jeri Hull said...

I feel for you. We've had to make very similar life choices. :{ Keep your head up, yes, you can get through this. Feel free to email (kneblie05@ gmail.com) if you need someone who relates to complain to.
Sarah

theimpatientoptimist said...

I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you. I think you are handling this better than you think you are. Never be angry at yourself for allowing yourself to grieve. It is necessary.

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