This Christmas I've decided not to remove the IVF cycle calendar from my refrigerator door.
This Christmas I've decided not to hide my IVF meds behind the deli meat.
This Christmas I will leave my sharps container on the kitchen counter.
In the past I have been hyper secretive about our infertility where my family is involved. I just "came out" after IVF number four.
I always thought I would tell my family about our journey while holding a baby in my arms. I would explain how MY little miracle was TRULY a miracle. I didn't want my family to know about my struggle while I was still a failure. I'm not great with sharing my failures....even with my family...maybe especially with my family.
But now, things are different. I have accepted that this journey might not end with a baby. I want my family to understand why pregnancy announcements are hard for me, why they shouldn't ask when I'm having a baby, why I may not be able to participate in my sister's baby shower, why I won't hold my cousin's new baby due in a couple months.
I want witnesses for my pain.
I want my family to understand and appreciate what I have been through.
I want support.
So this weekend I will be explaining the inner workings of IVF to the uninitiated. I'll be saying that the shots aren't too bad. I'll be explaining how not everyone turns into Octomom. I'll be bracing myself for an inevitable insensitive comment. I will be looked at with pity.
But I will be with my family. And they will understand and appreciate and support the best they can.