Monday, November 16, 2009

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I complained about the drugs and the doctor’s appointments and the side effects. But I never really minded, because I knew it would lead to you.

I complained about the money spent and the shots and the stress. But I never really minded, because I knew it would lead to you.

I changed my lifestyle. I ate things I didn’t want to eat and didn’t eat things I wanted to eat. I went to acupuncture. I gave up vacations and promotions. I didn’t care. It was for you.

I always thought I would do whatever it takes to get you here; endure more invasive procedures, spend every penny I have, persevere through every disappointment.

I thought I would never stop.

But now I’m not so sure.

Admitting that I want to stop looking for you is one of the hardest things I’ve done. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I must not have wanted you to begin with. It makes me feel like a failure.

I am used to being a warrior. I am used to fighting to the end.

So, Baby, we’ve decided to try one more time. Please come to me this time. I don’t want to make this decision again.

Love Always,
Your Mom

43 comments:

JB said...

Beautiful. And exactly where I am, too. I've been contemplating starting a journal with just these kinds of entries to either share with a baby one day, or become the first chapter of my crazy manifesto when I've had enough and go out in a blaze of glory. I much prefer what's behind door number 1.

Best of luck with the next go-round. May it be your last AND your best.

Kara's Mom said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. So beautiful. You want a baby so darn much - I wish you a successful cycle this time around. Our search of the elusive becomes an obsession - but someday it will all be worth it.

xoxo

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Just a perfect and awesome post. I can't think of anything else to say.

Congrats on giving it another go. I hope it's the magic cycle for you.

Amber said...

Anyone who has ever experienced infertility and especially a long, hard bout with it will understand this letter perfectly. Very nicely stated. (And you're a lot kinder to your unborn than I am at times!)

'Murgdan' said...

A beautiful post. I hope the next cycle brings you that special someone who will read it...and know how loved they are.

S said...

What a great post. You have expressed feelings that I have experienced but could not articulate.

Kim said...

awesome post. you are one strong girl and i pray this is your cycle for a very loved little one.

Michelle said...

Beautiful post! I am hoping this is your time! ((HUGS))

areyoukiddingme said...

Baby, listen to your mom!

Mom, prayers and best wishes for you to win this war...

Carrie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carrie said...

That was a touching post!! My husband and I have just decided that we will be doing yet ANOTHER IVF cycle also. I will be thinking about you often and checking your blog!!!
http://benandcarriemug.blogspot.com

Pickney Hopes said...

I'm glad you're giving it another go. I think it's worth it. And I really hope you'll always have a reason to be glad you tried.

ASP said...

Dear Brat, I mean Baby,

I cut and pasted this letter for you to read too. Follow the directions very carefully, or else! ;)

Just kidding! Touching and I sure hope *they* listen!

When are you planning on cycling again? Ours will probably be Jan./Feb. Ah, good times will be here again before we know it.

Rambler said...

What a touching, lovely post. At the end of the day, the physical pain or the monetary hit means nothing.

I wish the best for you on this next cycle. GL!

Alice said...

Thank you for writing this. This process is so overwhelming and it's difficult to keep perspective. I'm glad the hope is alive in you. Good luck and hugs to you.

Mrs.X said...

I hope that this last cycle is the one so that you can write so many more beautiful letters to the baby you get to hold.

Eggie said...

Crank up that hope-o-meter, Mom! Baby in 2010! Sorry, I can't help it, I'm really exicted for you.

The WV is ethallue, possibly a name for a daughter?

Mad Hatter said...

What a sweet letter. So glad you're back in the game. Time to get that Hope-O-Meter up and running again, no?

kdactyl said...

Beautiful post....you are not alone, all of us who have had a long road and failed cycles have these thoughts....our "one more try" is sleeping contently in the other room right now....so I am so very hopeful for you that you will experience the same.

kd

Mary said...

You made me cry. I want this so badly for you, Megan. I'm glad you guys are going to try again:)

Bean stalk ballads said...

Oh honey.. .I am here and with you on this journey. Like you, i write these letters. Like you, I think about when I will stop and is that enough.
All the very best...

Jules said...

That brought me to tears.

My thoughts & prayers are with you.

Come on baby. Do it for your mum.

Sarah said...

Heart wrenching.

I truly hope your baby comes to you this time.

Hugs

Dr. Edward Ramirez, MD, FACOG said...

I'm glad to see that you will give it another go. I had a patient who tried six times and finally succeeded in the end! It is a huge effort, though, and I know that your blog not only helps you but many others who are going through the same thing. If you need advice, see some of my blog posts from women around the world who have sent me their questions about infertility. I am at http://womenshealthandfertility.blogspot.com/ Good Luck! Edward Ramirez, MD

Allison said...

Perfection, truly.

callmemama said...

Beautifully written. I hope this next time is the one for you!

birdsandsquirrels said...

Oh Megan, what a beautiful letter. Like all of the other commenters before me, I really hope that this one more try cycle brings your baby to you.

TeeJay said...

Great letter. I really hope you get to read it to your baby in the future. This decision is not an easy one and I commend you for trying again. Best of luck to you.

Bluebird said...

My heart breaks for you. No one should ever be faced with such thoughts and decisions. I hope with all my heart that this is it for you and you never have to think about this again!!

musicmakermomma said...

This hurts my heart to read. And I am so in that same place right now! Thanks for sharing.

PJ said...

Exactly how I've felt. EXACTLY.

It's a hard long road. Hardest damn thing I've ever done. Three years ago when we were just getting started, I could never have imagined it would be so grueling.

I hope this one is it for you.

mekate said...

heartbreaking and so very honest
and
oh so beautiful.
you are a warrior, Megan, you are.

With love,
Kate

ryanandjoesmom said...

prayers and hugs that your baby will answer your letter.

Heather said...

That was beautiful. Best wishes with your next try. I wish you all the best.

Milla said...

Thank you for that post, it was very touching and thoughtful. Wishing you everything good that I can, with hugs.

quietlyquitting said...

You gone and done it, you made me cry. I truly truly want this to be over for you (a take home baby) so that you must not have to decide that this is over for you.

m said...

ah megan, this post kinda hit me in a strange way. I so know this place.
Obviously, we chose to try yet again. Hoping our babies listen.

wishing you so much luck.

Miriam said...

This is just beautiful. I'm wishing you so much luck with this next cycle.

womb for improvement said...

I know where you are coming for. Hope the letter does the trick.

Jem said...

You made me cry! I can see you tell this story to your little girl (why girl? I don't know, it's just the picture I see in my mind's eye) on a cold, rainy night like today. The rain is beating against the windows, but you are warm and snug in your home. She's tucked in her bed, nice and tight and says, "Mom, tell me how I came to be born again!"

Your courage amazes and inspires me!

Jem

KuKd Chick said...

Well, this is just a sad and beautiful post in its simple honesty and message. I think a lot of people out there can relate to wishing for, and communicating with, that future baby that isn't here just yet. ((hugs)), peace and strength as you continue your journey down this hard road.

Erica said...

Thinking of you. I know this decision wasn't easy. Hoping like hell you never have to make it again.

Gina said...

This is a perfect post. It brought tears to my eyes.

Thinking of you and praying that you find your baby.

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