Monday, May 4, 2009

A Life More Grey

I'm usually at work at seven so this is past my bedtime and I can't sleep. Here's the thought keeping me up tonight...


I find that as I get older my life is turning more grey. I'm not talking about my hair (although whoever told me that redheads go grey early was right. I've been hitting the dye bottle since I was twenty-five). Rather my life is turning more grey as opposed to black and white.

Black and white Megan had very defined ideas about starting a family. Cliched ideas about "letting nature take its course" and "what's meant to be is meant to be". I remember saying of IVF, "I would never do that. If it comes to that I just won't be a mother." Of course when it became clear that the course nature was taking would end with me NOT being a mother, those ideas started to grey.

For black and white Megan adoption was not an option. Adoption didn't seem like the right way for me to start a family. I remember saying of adoption, "I would never do that. If it comes to that I just won't be a mother." Of course when my fertility treatments started going off plan, this idea also started to grey.

My life has greyed in other non-infertility related areas as well. I really enjoy this part of getting older. I am less enamored of my wrinkles and my inability to bounce back after a night of drinking. I equate the greying of my life with gaining experience, gaining knowledge, gaining wisdom. I like to reflect on my old "rules" for how to live life. I'm amused at how many of those rules have gone straight out the window. It makes me wonder which rules are next on the chopping block.

14 comments:

The Lonely Scrapbooker said...

Sleeplessness also seems to be a part of getting older.
I'm with you on the greying, but what I find interesting about myself is how much I surprise myself. I find myself reacting in ways to things/events that I wouldn't have expected. It makes me wonder how well I really know myself, though I feel so much more self aware than I was when I was in my twenties. It's kind of paradoxical... .
Loved the handbag by the way. If you can distract yourself by sewing and scrapping through this cycle you'll be very lucky.
I'd love to pick up sewing but I have no space for a sewing machine, not even a tiny one!

just me, dawn said...

love this post, i find myself in the same position, on the greying of life....and my hair :) I had grey way back in hih school!

one-hit_wonder said...

Amen!

Valerie said...

Wonderful post! Could have written it myself.

Very often, when I share with people that my daughter is a gift via in vitro, people make off-hand remarks like "one should let nature take its course" or "God knows best...doctors shouldn't play God." Hmmmmm

Recently, my BFF went thru her 2nd failed in vitro cycle. She asked me if I would have ever considered using donor eggs. Ummmm, nope, not in my 20s, but today...nearing 40 (in a mere 4 months) ABSOLUTELY. In fact, I too have begun greying the lines...I used to be staunchly opposed to having a baby after 40 and well now...I eather have to eat my words or miss out on adding one more blessing to our family. Can I even have a 3rd baby...I don't know. What I do know is that black and white Valerie has begun to soften and blur the lines!

Blessings to you from Kansas,
Valerie

areyoukiddingme said...

That was some excellent insight. I've always been one who tries to see all sides of a situation, so I don't take a whole lot of stances. But I've found that my knee-jerk reactions have mellowed with age. I wish grey was not associated with the bad things in life.

Bluebird said...

I found myself nodding all the way through your post. The older I get, the more I try to refrain from making black and white statements altogether, because I've begun to think I will eventually turn to grey on them all.

I do think some of its a good thing, though. Most of my grey-ness has come from learning empathy and recognizing that there's always another side to every story. I've become much more tolerant of others, as a result, even though its caused me to examine myself.

Mary said...

YOu couldn't have written a better post. I agree, as we get older many, many, things are not black and white any longer. We change. We mutate. We realize that what we 'thought' isn't always what is going to happen to us. In all aspects of life. Some things about the grey I embrace, others make me scared too.

Shinejil said...

I think that's the beginning of wisdom: when the rules start to seem more and more irrelevant and the reality of choices clearer, if you catch my drift.

Very thought provoking...

sunflowerchilde said...

This is a really interesting post -especially how opinions change due to circumstances and time passing. Do you find that any of your beliefs are actually getting stronger? I used to feel very strongly in favor of adoption and have no opinion on fertility treatment - now that I've done or I'm facing both of them, I see that my views are changing, too, but they are just becoming opposite - I feel strongly in favor of fertility treatment and just neutral about adoption - I think it's because I had no idea what it really entailed.

Good luck with this next cycle.

WannabeMommy said...

Been there, doing that!

Michelle said...

So true...well said. I was the same way but have learned through IF not to make judgments because you never know what you will do until you are in that position. At least I try to remember that.

humbird97 said...

Now that we are facing being unable to have biological children, our ideas of what makes a family (who and how) are greying. I'm still angry about it though....

I need more time. But I'm in luck, being in the BFA and all.

Never say never has become my IF motto. Maybe my life motto, too.

Jenn said...

I totally identify with your post and actually just posted something very similar to this myself ~ about a year ago a friend of mine asked if we would ever do IVF and I told her no, that DH and I love each other so much that we would have a wonderful life with or without children. What a difference 5 failed IUI's make! I am fast approaching my first IVF cycle and feel as though my life will be empty and meaningless unless I have a child to love.

Suzanne said...

I know exactly what you mean. Not only is my hair turning grey, but my thoughts and how I view things are as well. I never thought that I would even consider IVF as an option and well here we are. I also never thought that I would consider adoption as an option, but the other day I asked my DH if he would be willing to consider adoption if our IVF treatments didn't work and he said yes.

It's so easy to think in black and white when things are going your way isn't it? It's so easy for people who aren't dealing with IF to make quick judgments about people who are. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me, "Why don't you just adopt?" I would be able to retire by now.

It's very important to see things in grey, but unfortunately I think that only hard times and difficulties can bring out compassion and empathy in people. Well sometimes. Some people just have that compassion and empathy naturally.

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