Infertility Acceptance

Hi, I'm Megan and I'm infertile. This last Friday my first IVF cycle was cancelled. I'm bitter, I'm depressed, and I've decided that the only thing to do is what other bitter, depressed, infertile women do...blog about it.

Here's my history. My husband (DH if you are into the abreviation thing...another thing I thought I'd never do...) and I started TTC in May of 2007. We tried for three months and nothing. Frustrated, I peed on my first OPK. Bingo! I got pregnant. Four months trying didn't seem so bad in retrospect. Conceiving is easy!!! Well, eight weeks later I had an ultrasound. No baby. Blighted ovum...does that even count as a pregnancy???

Determined to move on I scheduled a D&C. We waited a couple months. When we started trying again we went straight to the OPK, no screwing around this time (except for the screwing around). First month, BFN. Second month, BFN. Third month, BFN. Fourth month (gotta work this time...that's how long it took before)...BFN. I think I see a pattern here.

Well, hubby went for a SA on his own (he really wants kids). Low sperm count, low motility, low this, low that. (I guess all those years of "pull and pray" were unnecessary.) Moving on we found an RE on the internet who was in our insurance plan. DH did another semen analysis and I started testing (Why does his testing involve jerking off and my testing involve inserting various utensils and injecting various fluids into my privates?)

In the meantime I did the Clomid thing for four months (I have no idea what the point of that was since it wasn't going to help DH sperm and my testing was normal.) Clomid is evil. First of all, the pills taste awful. Secondly, all I can say is the closest thing to hell is a Clomid hot flash.

That pretty much brings us up to IVF. Our miracle. The procedure that was going to work. Sure there would be shots and a couple unplesant procedures, but in the end we would have a baby (preferably twins, preferably both boys, oh and if you could make them blond, blue eyed, and sickingly adorable too, please.) How f-ing naive were we?

So we started...I took BCPs for the first time in my life (insert obligatory comment about the irony of that). I filled syringes each night like I was playing nurse. Hubby gave me shots. Baseline ultrasound...beautiful. It's a go for stims. Five days of Follistim (a breeze by the way). Now another ultrasound and everything is a blur. Follicles too big, E2 levels too high, phone call, cancelled cycle, crying at work again, no water or solid food for a week.

And that's where we are. I have another ultrasound this Friday to see if I am recovering... At this point I have no idea what our next steps are.

But I have now accepted my infertility.