Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Act Naturally?

After our last failed cycle I told Tony that I intended to go on the BCP where you only get your period four times a year. He looked at me with a combination of puppy dog and little boy eyes and asked why I wanted to do that. I could tell that he was surprised and hurt, but I snapped back that having my period was now very tramatic for me and why should I have to deal with it more than four times a year?!?!?!? I may have even thrown in a comment about him being a man and not understanding. (What can I say? I was not feeling very "in-control" emotionally.)

My husband has mentioned to me more than once that he thinks we will be one of those couples who tries and tries to have a baby and then gets pregnant naturally. When he says this I look at him like he has three heads and explain to him all the reason why that would be ridiculous. But he keeps bringing it up. Which makes me think that he really must believe it.

I was diagnosed with PCOS and then undiagnosed.

I had a high FSH reading of 14.

I tested positive for elevated natural killer cells.

He was diagnosed with a varicocele and then undiagnosed.

He has low sperm count and low motility.

He tested with lowish testoterone.

We retrieved forty six eggs that turned into twenty two embryos and transferred five blasts. None of those made it to freeze or fetus.

We no longer have sex regularly.

Oh yeah, and an ultrasound technician once told me that I have a tilted uterus...great.

These are not the ingredients for a "natural miracle".

Still, in my quest to not be done with hope I have considered taking up baby making sex again. Then I start to think, "Well, with everything working against us it would be best to know when I am ovulating...at least give us a fighting chance." But I worry that if I know when I ovulated, I will know when to test for pregnancy. I will know when to start hoping and praying and watching for symptoms. Next thing you know I am leaving work on my lunch hour to buy pregnancy tests that I pee on in the bathroom at the grocery store.

Sort of like those evolution posters, but in reverse...

Suddenly harmless baby making sex starts to sound less "relaxing" and more like a gateway activity leading me back to major heartache. I'm worried about becoming an addict again.


Amber said...

Brillant poster- they should hang those up in the RE's office! It's quite a dilemma when you're IF, deciding whether or not to take the pill. And stressing over cycle days is NO fun!

gwinne said...

I have to say one "nice" thing about doing fertility treatment as a single gal is that reproduction has absolutely nothing to do with sex. I can't imagine the stress it must be on you and Tony as a couple.

But the tilted uterus thing? My ob/gyn said a normal uterus IS tilted.

S said...

My husband and your husband should hang out. He is also convinced that we will be the "urban myth" couple who beats the odds.

Not sure about you, but after two years of TTC, I roughly know when I'm ovulating--give or take a day or two--whether I use OPKs or not.

AmyG said...

That's a toughie. I hope you quickly get to a mode that you're comfortable with and emotionally consistent with taking a break.

lastchanceivf said...

Ugh, I so get this.
This is the first month in a long time where I absolutely do not know when I ovulated or even what cycle day it is. And it's kind of nice.
Geez this stuff sucks.

Brandy said...

I know exactly what you mean! I flirted with the idea of charting again, mainly so I would know when to expect my period, but I knew that I would become obsessed and start peeing on sticks like a madwoman.


areyoukiddingme said...

Having spent the last year and a half in the did-I-time-it-right stage, I don't recommend it. You'll probably need to sit down with him for THE TALK, where you either commit fully to a child-free life, or discuss your options again.

I wish this weren't so hard for you, Megan. But I do love your cartoons.

ASP said...

M- I totally feel for you. I was so fine without this cycle and now I've got all this crazy shit running through my head if this cycle is indeed a bust. Like laying in bed, googling stuff on my phone at 3am. It's ridiculous. I just wish we all could get pregnant and live happily ever after. Thinking of you. ♥♥♥

tishi said...

Your too funny! so sorry the poster was made under such terrible circumstances, but its so good, and probably true! Its hard to get out of that vicious cycle of baby sex + hope! Its amazing how tramatic your period can become when you TTC, mine is even more painful now then it was 3 years ago :I

inBetween said...

The other day one of the IF doctors that was checking me out, who I'd never met before, asked if my first pregnancy (and miscarriage) was "spontaneous". I said, "yes, it was a spontaneous miscarriage." And she replies, "I meant the pregnancy..." We both laughed, and she said something like, "yea, it's easy to forget that pregnancies actually do just happen!"

But the sex thing... that would be the problem for me too. Regular sex? Huh? I totally don't remember what SPONTANEOUS sex is.

Michelle said...

I know the feeling of believing it will never happen naturally. my hubby sometimes thinks the same way. ((HUGS))

The tilted uterus is pretty common. I have one and my sis has one and she has had 2 children = no problems! So that is 1 thing not to worry about.

Anonymous said...

It's so hard. It does seem to be a slippery slope. I haven't been in your situation so I can't really advocate one way or the other but my gut tells me that using OPKs or BBT charting is a bad idea, if the idea is not to actively TTC. It may just sap the remaining fun out of sex all together. That being said, I can kinda understand why your husband wants to avoid the BCP 'just in case...'.
I guess the question is: will the small glimmer of hope that NOT being on birth control might allow into your psyche going to be too painful to be worth the very slim chance of a natural conception? For some people the answer will be yes, for others, no.

irrationalexuberance said...

I wish I had the "right" answer for you, but I just have my gut feeling, and that is to focus on sex for fun/ connection first and then, after a few months of getting back into the swing of that, reconsider the whole OPK/ BBT thing. Because my fear would be that if you start the timing now you will lose whatever window you had to be spontaneous.

And in case you thought yours was the only sex life casualty - I'm right there with you. I'm too embarassed to tell you how few times we've had sex since we started our first IVF cycle in November.

Good luck with your decision!

KZ said...

My husband is the same way, saying it will 'just happen' for us. I have to put him back in check everytime. I dont get why they are so hopeful this way? What about embryo donation?

Pie said...

Great poster, I know those "gateway" behaviors and thoughts well. Maybe just try to have sex 2 times a week, every week? Then you are not really planning, charting, etc. Easier said than done though. Especially as an IF vet and low testosterone.

Heidi said...

I know how you feel!

I was PCOS diagnosed then undiagnosed. Sex is not even in your mind anymore when you go through all of this. It seems like more of a chore than an excitement.

We just did IVF in February and had 21 follies with 16 eggs 2 transfered 4 froze. It did work for us but I lost it at about 5 weeks. My husband want so try nautrally instead of go through ivf again but I want the FET.

Keep your head high you are an amazing woman for everythign you have been through!

snhg1129 said...

I have to admit that I am the urban myth when I finally had it in my head that I was not going to have a baby, and that I would be okay with being without a baby, guess what! Sex became fun again and then I got preg..

... said...

OPKs are a blessing and a curse.


Alex said...

I honestly don't think I could "just see what happens" if I was in your shoes. I definitely have a high risk of sliding back into the TTC madness, if I ever were to stop. Even if I could possibly stop temping and OPKing, I still have to go to the bathroom a few times a day - right? And who's going to stop me from wiping and looking at the TP for fertile cervical fluid???? If this TTC thing doesn't work, I may have to get a lobotomy... :)

loribeth said...

I understand this. When dh & I talked to an infertility counsellor about childfree living, she advised that we use birth control, nutty as it sounded, but for the same reasons you gave. It took me awhile to come round, because I think I was still secretly hoping for that miracle pregnancy. My dh, however, was a nervous wreck & so (even though I thought he was being ridiculous) I eventually agreed to using either condoms or avoidance at the strategic times of the month (which I am quite familiar with, because I still count my cycle days & am aware enough of my body to know when I'm ovulating).

I wrote more about this at http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.com/2008/07/unspoken-question-about-childlessfree.html

the misfit said...

Ooh - that devolution is BAD. You are nearing peace and you should hang onto it. But we're in sort of a similar phase to where you are, and if this helps...at this point our chances of conceiving naturally are basically nil and we know that. My dh doesn't want to hear about my "fertile phase" at all. So we're calling it the "se.xy phase" - heh - so I guess that makes it recreational. I am convinced that (unless it's obsessed procreational) more se.x is good for your marriage. So do that! I was also told that if you have a tipped uterus (I do and so does the [pregnant IF!] woman who told me) you should lie on your STOMACH for 15 minutes instead of your back. Flip everything around. I'm willing to do that - yes, it's sort of a concession to the ttc mindset, but it's a small thing and it doesn't turn me into an obsessed freak. I haven't had to worry about the 2ww and the hpt temptation because I'm so crazy irregular right now that it could be a two-DAY wait. No way to tell. So I can't even tell if I'm a weirdo on any given day because of PMS or not :). Anyway...I hope you guys find a balance that makes both of you happy and sane. I recommend the se.x highly though :).

Alice said...

So true. It's so hard to "stop" trying. Even when I'm "on a break", it's never a break. And, when I think about "giving up" for good, I feel like I'll still keep wondering.

Laura said...

I am in the beginnings of infertility treatments right now and am going through the same diagnosed/undiagnosed thing right now, it's really frustrating because everyone says relax, it will happen when its meant to. I can't relax, all I can think about are ovulation calendars, temperatures, stupid broken ovaries and precious little babies. Thanks for talking about this stuff on your blog. I don't feel as alone!

Bobi AKA Stacey said...

Seriously at the point right now where we are just doing clomid and trying to have relaxed "adult time" and i have realized that i am so good, that i can tell when i am ovulating and suddenly im jumping on him like a wild ape or something. And then about 10-20 days later i am puking and sick and swear im pregnant. i get happy, first test is a negative, i do one more, one more, i start spotting "its implantation bleeding" i take another test and its negative. finally AF comes and i want to lay in bed all day and cry.

Horrible cycle

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