Monday, March 22, 2010

A Good Wife

Last night I was a good wife. I went to the hockey game with my husband even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I even got him the tickets from work; and these were good tickets with free food and beer included.

Here’s how little I know about hockey:

Me: What’s it called when they put the players in time out?
Tony: You mean intermission?
Me: No, when they take the players off the ice because they are naughty.
Tony: Oh, you mean the penalty box.
Me: Oh yeah.

I get more good wife points because I didn’t mention that while I do things I don’t want to do to make him happy, he won’t do little things for me like spend all of our savings on donor egg cycles that probably won’t work. Le sigh.

But just in case you aren’t sure if I am a good wife, this next story will dispel all doubt.

At the hockey game during intermission (is that what it’s called?) little pee wee hockey “all stars” are invited onto the ice to play for a few minutes. It is an awwwwwww inspiring site. Who can resist impossibly little boys dressed in impossibly little sports outfits with impossibly little sticks playing with big boy pucks, on big boy ice, with big boy goals? Before I could even steel my emotions against this parade of fertility, this display of everything denied to me; my husband turns and says, “I can’t believe you won’t let our boy play hockey.”

I felt like I had inadvertently dipped my toe into a hot tub time machine. Is this 2006 when we still had hypothetical conversations about imaginary children? I didn’t think that was still allowed when your husband has sworn off all further attempts at baby making?

And this is where the good wife part comes in. Because when my husband turned to me in order to argue about children who do not exist and will never exist, I did not punch him in the face. I did not run shrieking out of the stadium. I did not even point out the insensitivity of such a comment. Instead I just turned to him and evenly said, “That seems like an unlikely scenario doesn’t it?”

And then I realized that my husband hadn’t meant to say what he did. It was just a reflex, like muscle memory. He was sad that he had said it and even more sad that he had said it to me.

Maybe hope is a muscle that remembers too.


Alex said...

Oh God - I don't know what to say except - ouch! You really are a good wife - for not punching him in the face. He's just a dumb stupid guy who has no clue - they really need handbooks and coaches to tell them how to do this too. That sucks!!!

finch said...

You are a good wife. The fact that you can understand his sadness and reflexes and be calm and supportive for him is amazing. And you got him free beer to boot. A+ wifeness.

areyoukiddingme said...

Ouch. You are a most excellent wife.

the misfit said...

I think hope *does* have a memory. Because even as I near some sort of certainty that we'll never have kids, and that will be OK, when I hear other people discussing baby names, I get nervous if they mention one of MY names. Don't take my name before I get a chance to use it! I read recently in a book on fertility that humans naturally think they're fertile, even when they're children (even if they know intellectually that some people aren't). Maybe we also always believe that we WILL be fertile some time in the future, even if we're not now.

Liz said...

You're husband sounds like he has my special talent of saying things before he thinks about what he is saying.

aimeemax said...

You are a completely excellent wife! Food, beer, hockey and kindness. Those conversations are funny-awful aren't they. My mama did it the other day and I replied exactly as you did "it's so unlikely". Even keel, smooth sailing, even though the seas are rough underneath.


AmyG said...

You're a gold-medal spouse for sure! I'd want to flick his ears for that (THWOINK!) Good for you for keeping your cool - living child-free is definitely a process, not a moment.

Amber said...

I've never been so nice to my husband in a single day ever... You are an incredible wife and a very patient person. I will definitely not tell my husband about your kindness... :)

ASP said...

Oh gosh, sometimes guys say things and not even realize what's coming out (Thank you, Captain Obvious, right?!) I'm sure he wouldn't do or say anything to hurt you, but it just happens sometimes. You're a good wifey for not punching him or stabbing him with a utensil (like I like to do with forks ;) Sorry that this stupid journey of yours (and mine) has been so stupid and ridiculous. Hugs, Friend.

Maredsous said...

It is obvious that you and your man have a special relationship. For you to not shout back is one thing, but it is even more special that you then realized he didn't mean it and felt sorry for him. Good for you. You know that he doesn't mean to hurt you intentionally by this comment.

lastchanceivf said...

It just sucks sometimes doesn't it?

Mad Hatter said...

This story really hit home with me - the bittersweetness of what he said...the reflexive thinking that there will one day be a boy or girl to make plans or not make plans sounds like you are a great wife and like he's a great (if a little forgetful) husband..l Sending you hugs.

Sabina Andersson said...

your blog is awsome!
maybe you could read mine
love from Sweden

ME! said...

awwww...I am sorry. (((HUGS))
Hope is a does remember- and it causes physical pain also.

Hope can be such a damn bitch sometimes.

coll said...

You keep me laughing! As I did my tax return and realized the money we spent not to have a kid.....I would have been upset with my husband.. I can't laugh about it during tax time. I feel like such a failure....Dependents..NO...20,000 in medical bills ....yes.. I am jealous of those hockey moms who have their kids for free.... OH WELL....

amy said...

I just wanted to stop in and say that I'm praying for you in your looong TTC journey. I'm in one too, only been at it for 9 months, but it does get overwhelming.

I pray you get what your heart desires :)



kdactyl said...

My heart broke for you when I read this post. I know that feeling. And I remember all the fantasizing about future children and all the things we would do. Stepping away from that dream is like a mourning process. You mourn the loss of the fantacy, the hope the future you envisioned for you and your husband.

I truly pray there is a family full of children in your future whether it be from you, through adoption or some other way of building your family.

I'm sure your DH realizes the impact of his statement. You are a great wife for understanding it was probably just a reflex...but that doesn't make it hurt any less.


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