Sunday, January 24, 2010

Going Out of Business

Several months ago I went to lunch with a wise older friend and unloaded all my infertility shit on her. This was just prior to IVF #4 and I was wondering aloud how or if I would ever know when it was time to stop trying.

She told me, "When it's time to stop, you will just know. After I had my second daughter I just knew I was done having kids and had my tubes tied."

At the time I couldn't really hear her for two reasons.

Reason #1: I was bitter that she was comparing her decision to stop HAVING children to my decision to stop TRYING to have children.

Reason #2: "You will just know" advice is always hard to hear. "When you find the right will just know." "When you find the right will just know." When you are in the middle of searching and filled with indecision it is difficult to trust that you will ever "just know" anything with such certainty.

But now I know.

I know this is it for us.

This is our last try.

In this moment we have no plans to pursue further IVFs, donor eggs, or adoption. In fact, we have seriously considered abandoning this cycle more than once.

We just feel we are done. We just know it.

We are not only hoping for a pregnancy. We are hoping for closure.

This cycle I have not calculated a potential due date. I have not visited baby websites to check out the latest nursery themes. Instead we have been preparing our four bedroom home for sale and scouring real estate listings for old homes in neighborhoods with bad school districts.

We are planning for a different future and this cycle feels like a speed bump. That doesn't mean that we won't be thrilled if we get pregnant, even though we really expect not to be. That doesn't mean that we won't be devastated if this cycle fails, even though we are expecting failure.

I know this post will make some feel sad. This is not a sad post. I'm still excited about this cycle, but it's a different sort of excitement. I see this cycle as a win-win situation. I may get what I always wanted, but if not I will get to move on with my life.

I feel relief at that thought.

I feel peace.


Life Happens said...

I kind of feel like I might be in the same place. If this cycle doesn't work for us, I'm trying to prepare myself for whats to come.

I hope that this cycle will be your cycle. And if it's not, instead of thinking of it as 'Going Out of Business,' think of it as a 'Grand Re-Opening' of a new chapter in your life.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

You're right its a hard topic to talk about and an even harder decision to come to.

I'm happy to read that you feel relief and peace at the thought though. I wish I was at that point.

I will keep everything crossed that you DO get knocked up next cycle, that would just be perfect.


Eb said...

I think it's great that you "know", that you have come to sense of direction. It is half the battle. I feel the same way. If this pregnancy doesn't work, we are done. We will live a different life.

I hope you get whatever is the best outcome from your cycle. I admire your guts for doing it and for seeing options at the other end that are real and right.

My Vegas said...

What a well written post.

jenicini said...

You are so right with the "you'll just know" comments. But I think it is really true. I have felt this way as we move on to each step in infertility. I'm glad more than anything that you are peaceful about it.

Jendeis said...

I feel good knowing that you are feeling at peace.

Nicole said...

It doesn't matter what I think, but I am so glad that however you have found this place--or however it has found YOU--that you will have peace moving forward regardless of the outcome. That is something to celebrate and I celebrate for you and with you! I will continue to hope that a little is right around the corner but if not, I am so happy that you can say you have peace. It really is such a gift!

Hugs and good luck this cycle!

Angie said...

Glad that you are at peace in the moment. ((((hugs))))

Anonymous said...

It's hard to know when it's time to move on. I don't know what else to say. I wish you well, whatever happens.

Michelle said...

Yes, this is such a difficult decision. You sound like you are at peace with it and I am so happy for you! I hope that you get whatever you TRULY want which ever that may be!

Myndi said...

We are in different places on this journey for sure, but I definitely understand that need for closure. So much of this post hits home for me. I am not yet where you are, but I do wonder when that time will come, when I will know that we're done, or if we'll have to get to that point. I'm sorry that you have.

But I also understand that, if this cycle, if this last chance doesn't work out, you will finally have some closure. You will feel as though you have reached a resolution and can move forward in a specific direction, start living your life as it is instead of how you're hoping it will be. And knowing the end of this journey is near, no matter the outcome, I can understand how that would bring some peace.

Still wishing you lots of luck in this cycle. :)

lastchanceivf said...

I remember feeling so much like this going into our last IVF. It was a strangely exhilarating feeling looking at my DH and saying "this is the last trigger I'll ever take!"

I hope you have a good outcome and it all works out the way that gives you the most happiness and peace.

And I totally agree: your friend's comparison just sucks. It is NOT THE SAME.

bibc said...

it is hard hard to get to a place of peace anywhere in this journey. im so glad you found some.

there is a path for all of us. i hate the way it winds but i think we will all be happy in the end.


areyoukiddingme said...

I know that feeling of peace - when you've decided that this is all you're going to take. It has nothing to do with the outcome of the situation and everything to do with the process. While I hope you get the desired result, I'm glad you've made the decision to stop torturing yourself.

BTW, I hate the "you'll know it when you see it" thing - it's actually a major factor in decision making in my job.

Panamahat said...

Glad you have found peace, and wishing you success with the last cycle.

Tracey said...

I felt the same way last cycle. It was our 5th attempt and I just wanted it to be over so that I knew what direction we were going to moving. Our doctor had told us that there was pretty much no chance it was going to work and so we did it because insurance was covering it so we had to give it a shot. I was almost disappointed when we were able to freeze 2 embryos (something we had never been able to do before) because it meant that cycle #5 was not it and , like you, I just wanted some closure. Specifically my beta day was December 29 and I wanted to start 2010 in one mind-set or another. I really felt like I was done and I was at peace with that.
So now I'm 8 weeks pregnant! Still super scared of losing it, especially now that I've tasted being a mom and so badly want it more than ever. I hate to sound like one of those (annoying) people, but for us it was just when we were ready to let go that it happened.
Good luck!!!

Brandy said...

I'm at the exact same place you are! We're gearing up for IVF #2 and if it doesn't work, that's it for us. We're not looking at sperm donors or adoption.

I've actually gotten a little excited at the thought of being able to buy a house without worrying about the school district. There are areas of town that I would love to live in, but we never could because the schools are AWFUL. But it might not be a problem in the end!

Shinejil said...

You are very wise, and deserve happiness, no matter where this next cycle and its conclusion lead you.

I hope this sense of peace and direction continues to comfort and guide you.

Kate said...

It sounds like you're both in a good spot - must be a relief to feel like you'll be ok with whatever comes to pass this cycle. I hope you get pregnant, but if not, I'll hope that you find a fantastic older home in your dream neighbourhood, and that your life is satisfying in so many other ways.

TeeJay said...

I'm sorry that you even have to make this decision. IF sucks the life out of us and it's just not fair. I commend you for being strong enough to realize that there comes a time when it's the end of the road. I am hoping nothing but good things for this cycle for you.

S said...

You and I are nowhere near one another in our TTC journeys in terms of what interventions we have tried--we did 3 IUIs, 2 with injectables, and went no farther, never seriously considering IVF--and yet we are in the same place mentally.

I "just knew" I had had enough when I finished our last treatment cycle in late November 2009. We have not been actively TTC since then, and while I still have a ways to go in accepting that I will probably never be a parent, I know that the decision was right for me (us).

Here's hoping that this next cycle works for you and you never get to the point of having to accept child-free living.

kdactyl said...

I totally know how you are feeling. There comes a time when you know you have given it your ALL and you won't regret moving on! You may mourn the fact that you don't get what you want...but the lack of regret makes moving on so much easier.

But...with that being said...I am still going to pray very hard that this is a successful cycle for you. I want you to get your hearts desire...but if you don't, I completely understand where you are coming from.

So...just take some deep breaths, stay calm and complete your matter what the destination ends up being.


Liz said...

I can totally understand where you are coming from. And the potential relief stopping will bring, but I hope, really hope you don't have to.

finch said...

More than once I've found myself no longer wishing for pregnancy, but just wishing for peace. I'm glad you're finding that place. And going through with this one last cycle may help you feel like you did everything you could, that you'll have no regrets. Best of luck!

Bluebird said...

I'm sorry honey. But so very thankful for your peace.

Andie said...

I hear you.

I understand that need to move on one hundred percent. I also understand how you can view this cycle from a different perspective.

I am glad you are feeling at peace with your decision.

Hoping this cycle brings your success.

Riley said...

I know how you feel - I'm in a similar place. We are getting ready to embark on our final FET -just to get it out of the way. I'm at the point where I'm tired of trying and I'm ready to get on with my life. I'm wishing you the best - whatever your future holds.

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