Tuesday, October 6, 2009

So Much To Say

My head is constantly spinning lately. Focus is a luxury.

To my blogger friends: Sorry I haven’t been commenting much lately. I didn’t even touch the computer this weekend. Odd.

To my infertility forum friends: Same as above. I promise to get caught up.

Work: Has been extremely busy. A blessing in disguise. It is getting increasingly difficult to put on my (fake) “work attitude” each morning. I just want to come in, get it done and go home. No desire to have a positive attitude or show leadership. Several people have asked me what is wrong.

Home: I am unnaturally obsessed with my puppy. I tell him everyday how much I love him and when I am away from him, I miss him. Cleaned house this weekend. Haven’t really cleaned for two months.

Husband: We went to a concert on Sunday afternoon and I kissed him on the cheek. Realized I hadn’t done this in awhile, since apparently he has grown a beard. He’s still smoking and he’s on vacation from school this week (apparently educators need a week off after two months of work). ARRGGHH! I still wouldn’t do what he does though.

Family: I finally “came out” infertility wise with my family. It’s been interesting. My favorite aunt sent me a card. Just thinking about it makes me cry. BIG 80th birthday party for grandfather this weekend. (Twelve hours of driving) I am in charge of nametags which I haven’t started yet. It’s a small town shin dig with a band. Annoyed at wearing nametags as it will only encourage people to talk to me. (Unless you grew up in a small town you cannot fully appreciate the horror which will be my weekend.)

Infertility: Still have no idea what to do. Another IVF? Donor eggs? Childfree living? All are regularly seriously discussed around my household. Minds change daily. I spent $200 on supplements at WholeFoods this weekend and purchased a new thermometer. I have no idea why.

Something New: Couples counseling tonight. Husband is already being a poop about it. As a professional counselor he is hard to counsel. I guess I wouldn’t want someone else doing my books, so I can relate.

That’s it. Life goes on I guess…


Anonymous said...

I hope your weekend isn't as bad as you fear. And I hope you are able to find some focus - some good, positive focus. Being in nowhereland limbo is the worst feeling, and I hope you find your way out of it soon. Thinking of you whether or not you're in a bloggy mood.

ME! said...

I guess it is good you are busy- that does tend to help me out sometimes. I am glad that you had a good 'coming out'. :) We are here for ya girlie- even if you take a weekend off. LOL.

areyoukiddingme said...

Dude, just because you have to MAKE the nametags doesn't mean you have to WEAR a nametag. Also, you can wear someone else's nametag and be someone else for the weekend, should you so desire. Or, you can choose a font (size or style) that no one can read, and then everyone can just spend all their time figuring out what their name tags say. Where's the crafty CPA we know and love? Of course, you're crafty at making things - I'm crafty at devising ways to manipulate situations to suit myself. Whole different kind of crafty there...

The dog is there to be loved and to love you back.

I'm sorry Tony is still smoking, but I didn't expect that to go away overnight. I hope counselling helps - for both of you.

Amber said...

We change our infertility plan all the time too. And then sometimes it's just changed for us. I love that you bought a new thermometer- I now have three. I'm sure they're the problem. :)

Bluebird said...

So glad you updated. So sorry for all that's going on with you right now.

I think your relationship with your puppy sounds totally natural. Okay, consider the source I suppose :) But I give my dogs a kiss goodbye every morning and won't leave the house without saying "Mama loves!" Pathetic, but I love it :)

I hope the counseling is worthwhile, or at least that it might be down the road. I respect you two for giving it a try and being conscious to preserve your relationship. It matters above all else.

((Hugs)) honey. Thinking of you.

Mo said...

Oh Megan, I feel you on so so many levels. And I have incredible respect that you can write about it so eloquently. I think you and your hubby and me and Will might be living parallel lives. As you know, we too are wandering around in the "where do we go from here" place. We are also insanely obsessed with our puppy. And I'm finding that Will is telling our puppy things about infertility that he doesn't admit to anyone. This morning, he was snuggling with her and said to her in his cutsie puppy voice, "Mo and I are barren, yes we are! Sometimes we feel bitter, yes! Yes we do! And so we love you so so much" etc, etc, accompanied by much puppy snuggling. It was cute, but sad too, and interesting that he was voicing things he would never say to me.

I hope the couples counseling helps. We tried it for a few months about a year ago and it did wonders for us. Seriously. (Will was even smoking, and we were NOT communicating well, so very, very similar). Hopefully once Tony gets there, and hopefully connects with the clinician, he will be more receptive.

Anyway, good to hear from you. Thinking of you. And wishing you a way out of this dark place soon.


Logical Libby said...

I really didn't want to do couple's counseling -- but it was the thing that really helped the most.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I know why you bought the suppliments--because giving up a dream is easier in theory than in practice!

Hugs to you!

Melissa G said...

F*ck, I despise name tags. Totally feel ya there.

You didn't elaborate much on how it went coming out to your family, were they supportive?

I totally understand discussing the variations in lifestyles. Hopefully the counseling will help allign the rest of your life, so that you're able to figure out your next step. All in good time.


Mad Hatter said...

Dear sweet Megan! You sound so raw, but at the same time like you are coping as best as can be and I am glad to hear that.

We love our puppy, too!!! Yay for puppies!

And lady, there ain't nothin' wrong with supplements and a new thermometer (oh how I love Whole Foods!)! Perhaps, subconsciously, you did that because you would like to go the naturopathy/TCM route for a while? Are you still seeing your acupuncturist? If so, what are their suggestions? Sorry, but I forget - does your husband go, too? If I remember correctly, there is a male factor here, right? I have the same male factor issues (well, I don't, but you-know-who does). Mr. Hatter went to acu last year for a few months but hasn't been this year yet - I find it a hard sell. He doesn't smoke anymore, but he does drink. I am sending you peace and calm (especially for the reunion!) and I am sure the new path to take will present itself soon - and whatever it is, we will all be here to support you, my dear friend.

Eb said...

Why can't people write their own name tags??

Maybe the break this weekend will give you some time to get away from all the decisions you will have coming your way.

And I would love to see more puppy pictures! Pleeaase

Erica said...

Sending loving thoughts your way. And your puppy is adorable.

Anonymous said...

I tend to have a hard time concentrating some days too. I have no idea how to change that, but if you ever come up with an idea let me know! Keeping you in my thoughts.


Anonymous said...

just catching up...and finally commenting.

i totally get you on the name tag thing! i really try to do anything that i can to avoid talking to people sometimes. blah.

hope the counseling session was helpful!!


MelissaP05 said...

I hope your counseling goes well. My husband and I have been in counseling since August, and it's been really helpful. You have so much going on right now! I have an award for you on my blog, Congrats!

JB said...

I am where you are. Which is to say, I don't know where we are. Does anyone have directions?

We have had the "donor this or donor that?" discussion, finally. That's the nuclear option. We have follow-up and second opinion consults lined up. We know our odds are dwindling with each failed attempt and each reinforced medical opinion.

And yet...something in me refuses to let me give up. I don't know what that is, but I am hanging on to it for dear life. You do the same.

Liz said...

Well done for coming out to the family - should make the party a bit easier to cope with (and maybe just make up a name for your name tag - Liz from London for example, if you can keep the accent up).

I'm not surprised you are in love with your puppy - he's adorable.

coll said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am not alone..... My husband, infertility and I need counseling too... I am so scared that fertility treatments won't work and I am scared if they do work.....We have a lovely Golden and she is a cutie! Good luck with your fluff ball!

Monica said...

Thanks for this little update. A few thoughts: I think obsession with your puppy is totally natural, not unnatural. I've become an expert at psychoanalyzing my own puppy-love behavior. I'm such an obnoxious puppy mommy that I've begun to think it's normal to act that way. Dogs rock, period.

Interesting, this concept of "coming out" regarding infertility. I've not thought of it in that way before. I love reading these IF blogs like yours because they enlighten me to so many facets of IF life. I can totally see that.

Couples counseling - husbands are poops about such things. My husband would never go for it either. His therapy is watching a Seahawks game and drinking beer.

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