Monday, June 8, 2009

Crossing Over

Thank you for all of your comments. We had a wonderful weekend. Getting away from the house and work was a great distraction. But now it’s back to life, back to reality. Today has been a much harder day than the ones before.

When Tony and I decided to do IVF I started lurking on various message boards. I remember lurking on a forum for IVF “vets” and reading a post that caught my attention. A woman posted that she was no longer joining IVF cycle support groups because she was sick of seeing others have first time success with IVF while she continued to be left behind.

At the time I felt guilty reading this woman’s post. I felt guilty because I was fairly certain that I had a good shot at being one of those first time IVF success cases. I also felt pity. I felt sorry that this woman could not find her success, but I could not identify with her pain.

Now things are different. If I read that post now I would find myself nodding along. If I read that post now I would not feel pity, but rather empathy. I get it now. I understand how it feels to transition from infertility that is treatable to infertility that may be terminal. It’s a different world and I’m trying to adjust.


Chelle said...

I'm nodding.

I hope you find your success VERY soon!


Anonymous said...

God, I know the feeling. It's not that I begrudge anyone who's struggling, but damn, it gets hard to keep offering congratulations without letting any of the petulance creep into my voice.

Let's hope it's soon for both of us.

Valerie said...

I am one of those "first time" IVF success stories and yet I do understand your point of view.

My BFF (from childhood) has now experienced 2 failed IVF cycles. Yes, her 2nd cycle made it farther than her first, but embies for transfer. I think b/c we have over 30-years of friendship together (and she's both academically and emotionally intelligent) we have been able to support and strengthen our friendship. Who knew when we were 8-years old that we would grow up to be in vitro candidates and have to work so hard to create a family.

I don't know why my cycle worked on the first try and Shannon's haven't except to say that age is probably playing a huge factor (I was 34 when I did IVF, she started at 39...we're now 40) and some dumb luck. She is now considering IVF Vacation and using donor eggs. It's funny how the things you were so adamantly opposed to at the onset of "having a baby" become more appealing as each door or window closes.

I suppose in the end, the glue that binds all of us (both successful and unsuccessful IVF cyclers) is that infertiltiy takes away our choice. Our choice on when, where, and how many children we wish to bring into our families.

I continue to pray for you as you navigate your way through this tumultuous time in your life.

the misfit said...

I hear you - there's a world of (unexpected) difference between "no" and "no, really, I mean it - never." When I first became a bona fide IFer, my doctors were saying "not without medical assistance" and I wanted to hear "never." I think I foresaw then that the hope could be a mirage, and I wanted no part of it. But I couldn't deceive myself as effectively as I thought - whatever I said, I believed there was a chance. And now, in not too long, I may have to let that go forever. And it looks very different from here.

I do hold out one kind of hope though - namely, that a real "never" might give me a chance to really let go of the bitterness I have nurtured for so long.

Mo said...

Megan. I hear you through and through. I remember reading vet posts too and feeling bad for them and thinking I would never be in that camp. And then as this year has progressed, Will and I have been crossing over ourselves, feeling that having a genetic child is more and more unlikely. It is a really hard transition. But you are definitely not alone.


sunflowerchilde said...

While I am not at the point you are at, I totally understand where you are coming from. I started reading an IF blog when I first start ttc, because I stumbled across it, and I just didn't get it. I was sure it wouldn't be me. Same thing when I started IUI's - I was sure the first one would work. Even now, if we move to IVF, with those kinds of odds, I'm STILL so sure it will work. I guess sometimes it takes learning a lesson many times before it sinks in.

Frau said...

Warning: Pregnancy mentioned.

I am nodding.

We were diagnosed as "one-timers" with maybe some frozen leftovers for next time. After the second cycle, it wasn't exactly "never" but it was more along the lines of, "If you're willing to do 10-15, you'll hit the jackpot eventually." Our insurance pays for absolutely nothing. Even swinging two cycles was hard for us. We decided that we needed to cut our losses and save for adoption (from scratch because we already spent everything on IVF.) It was a very dark place.

When I read your blog, I am wondering why I would get lucky. I feel sort of guilty too because the doctors were sighing and shaking their heads at my embryos on day 3.

I have to say, "Thank you for sharing." Because I've already run away from one pregnancy site with my tail between my legs. It's mostly complaints about how AWFUL it is to be pregnant. There are some infertiles who of course are deadlocked in a game of "Whose baby was hardest to come by?"

Because people like you are willing to share - even though it's dark and painful - I won't forget. I won't forget that I thought this was impossible. I won't be mired in feeling sorry for myself because I'm poor now and can't afford designer baby gear. I won't ask the whole world to stop while I have morning sickness. I will always remember that I'm LUCKY. I was that small chance. And I'm puking with a smile on my face.

I don't expect the veterans to congratulate me. Go ahead and flip me off if it will make you feel better. I won't be offended. I'll still say thank you because you will always remind me that I'm insanely lucky.

Liz said...

I'm sorry that you are having to come to this conclusion.

Bluebird said...

I understand. I'm not in exactly the same boat, but I understand. If you want the truth (please, please don't let this upset you!), we got pg with our first IUI w/ injectibles. . . but the doctors now wonder whether - even if I get pg again - I'll ever be able to carry a baby long enough to let it live. Like I said, not the same thing at all and I totally respect that - but I still find myself nodding along when you write about the fear that *this* - this state of no (living) biological children - might be permanent. It. Sucks.

And I'm sorry you're there, and I'm sorry you're having to adjust. But I'm so, so proud of you for being so aware and for articulating things so wonderfully. And thank you, as always, for sharing with us.

Anonymous said...

I hear ya! Its especially difficult following a just all sucks.


WannabeMommy said...

I'm nodding along as well. It's sad what a difference a few years can make, moving from hopeful to heartbroken, eager to anxiety-ridden. I never thought I'd be there, either, but here i am.

So sorry for your cancelled cycle. I'll be praying for you (and me).

Megan said...

Bluebird - I'm not offended at all. As much as it hurts not to be able to get pregnant. I think it owuld be so much worse to get pregnant easily over and over again just to lose the baby.

I really hope you can get pregnant again AND end up with a baby to take home.

Michelle said...

I remember feeling the same way with multiple miscarriages. Thinking oh I feel so sorry for them I will never survive if that is me. Here I am 4 later and still trying to adjust to that. I worry it will be the same with IVF.

I am hoping you will not have to adjust for too long and things will work for you soon.

Unknown said...

Everyone is different and thats what you have to remember, some people get left behind and others may not! A few clinics are offering free ivf so this will help people massivley no doubt as a lot of the time its the money thats the issue and adds to the disappointment and stresses and worries! I dont know about you but times are hard enough!

My friend had success, after a few attempts with a clinic in london called CRM London. They have designed their interior to be the most calming possible and even the wallpaper represents (in a non disgusting kind of way) the swimming marks/impressions of sperm. They have tranquil everything to calm the surroundings and my friend even had counselling there which really helped her as she was always a very emotional soul! The link is here so if your money runs out then your hope doesnt have to - to get the free ivf you just have to participate in an egg sharing scheme in order for them to help others whose eggs are the issue. Not having done it myself i dont 100% understand the ins and outs with the sharing programme but i do know its free and my friend now has a baby girl called Ellie! Link:

I wish you all the very best of luck and i pray i never have to cross the emotional bridge you all are and my deepest respects for your strength! Go girls! :)

Eve said...

Ok, third time posting's a charm (I hope)....

Feeling left behind is like being picked last at kickball as a kid..but a million times worse!

I can completely understand why you would be feeling so frustrated!

I would be completely willing to perform my kickass infertility-busting ninja skills on anyone you would like: accidental mothers, successful first-time IVFers, Octomom, name it!


Anonymous said...

:( i really wish i could just give you a big hug!


Karyn said...

I have been following your blog for a while and am in a similar situation. It looks like my IVF will be cancelled even though all my stats (age, FSH, follicle count) pointed towards success. My RE is really surprised and we are going to try again (with no Lupron this time). I can't believe I've gone from (over) confident to failure in just 5 days... No advice for you, just know you are not alone!!!!

IF Optimist, then... said...

I am so sorry for you and your husband. There are many souls out in the blogisphere who appreciate your honesty and candor. You have helped everyone who stops by. Many hugs and thanks. -Traci

Anonymous said...

I completely get you here. I'm still holding out hope that this attempt (my third) will be the one; however, lately, I've been having a tougher time reading about all the BFPs in the community. It goes without saying that I'm thrilled on an individual level for those girls and their's just that it makes my situation starker.

Once we knew we were on the IVF train but before I started my first cycle, I would read every BFP announcement and take huge comfort in because it meant that this stuff works! Now, when I read them what I can't help but think is...this stuff works for other people .

I hope we both find our way into the "this works" camp. I'm thinking about you.


Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. When ppl once talked about struggles conceiving, I thought of my family members, none of who had issues TTC and felt guilty knowing i'd get preggers as soon as I thought it. Yeah, now I am on the other side.

Good luck to you my dear. i wish you the best of luck and I am so so sorry that you are in so much pain.

Paula Keller said...

Nodding. All the crap I've been through surely has made me jaded.

Yesterday I read through the miscarriage blogs on Mel's blogroll, and through my own posts from my miscarriage & chemical. I realize that's a really screwed up thing to do the day after your 2nd beta, but I think somehow I was/am hoping to prepare myself for the worst, yet expect the best - even though I know that is probably impossible.

I do take pride in the fact that we have tried our asses off. Nobody can ever say we gave up, or that we aren't tough. That's character building stuff, and a bit massochistic all in one.

Tiger said...


Mary said...

I'm still holding on for treatable.

I'm sorry, Megan.

Kristin said...

Hoping and praying you find your success soon. In a much different way, I remember the feelings of being left behind and it SUCKS.

Alyssa said...

Your post resonates very deeply in my heart. Thank you for writing it and sharing your thoughts. I wish we weren't in this place, but I am so grateful for your words because they mean someone else gets it and I'm not alone.

Kami said...

I am here via Mel's friday roundup. I wanted to say I can empathize with you. I think most of us think IVF will work for us, if not the first time then the second or third for sure.

It worked for us on the 5th fresh cycle - with some modifications.

Welcome to the club of IVF Vets. I'm sorry you got the pass to join.

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