Monday, April 13, 2009

Quarter Year Review

Reflection is inherent in the project I have been working on (on which I have been working?). Looking back to the beginning of the year I am struck by the feeling I had in January that 2009 was *IT*. Baby or bust, meaning that by the end of 2009 I would have a baby, be pregnant, or give up. What a difference three months makes.

In January I assumed that if 2009 ended childless and pregnancy-less I would have probably completed three failed IVF cycles. I would probably have exhausted my infertility insurance money. And one of the three failed cycles would have been paid for out of pocket. And so, at the end of 2009 I would be done. In January, I was on the fence about adoption and my husband was not on the adoption fence, but running through the "no adoption" meadow on the other side of the fence.

So what has changed in three months? Well, I still haven't completed an IVF cycle yet, failed or successful. I still might be able to squeeze out three IVF cycles by the end of the year, but not at the rate I'm going. (Note to universe: Completing three failed IVF cycles is not the goal. I want to complete one successful IVF cycle.) Three months later the tone of the adoption talk in our household has changed as well. I am still on the fence. Hubby has leapt the fence and is now playing in the very pro-adoption pasture.

Who knows where we will be three months from now? Who knows where we will be at the end of 2009? I'm through making predictions.

Despite the fact that I am not where I thought I would be, I have found my smile. How did I find it?

1. I took last Friday off work. I realized that since Christmas I had taken no days off work with the exception of one vacation day I took when I was having dental work done and one day when I "called in infertile". (Calling in infertile is when you just can't deal with people so you call in sick to work.) I was so uptight about missing work for doctors appointments that I hadn't taken any time for me. I cannot do this. I need time off to recharge.

2. I got a voicemail from my IVF coordinator. She has already made a tentative calendar for May. She knew I was having blood tests on Friday (imagine...a clinic where the left hand knows what the right hand is doing.) She sounded very on the ball. I listened to the message twice because I was so pleased.

How has the first quarter of 2009 changed you?


Anonymous said...

Gosh, can I just scrap the first quarter? Pretend like it didn't exist? Maybe move on to 2010 instead...what do ya say? See, here's my will have your baby and we will have raised the funds for IVF much sooner than planned. What do ya think???

Liz said...

I too bounded into 2009 planning IUI in January and a baby by the end of the year. And, as well, it didn't turn out like that. I'm now hoping for IUI in August and am safe in the unwanted knowledge that I certainly won't have a child this year.

But I too am determined not too lose my smile.

This won't beat us.


{Mrs.M} said...

The first quarter of 2009 has made me realize how harsh the infertile world can be, how much time it takes up, and the toll it has on your emotions. That said, my hubby says to "think positive" - and I have to do just that, simple as it may sound. Those bruises from injections, they're getting us somewhere, right? I'm trying to focus on that.

I am extremely jealous of your IVF coordinator. What a breath of fresh air she is! Doesn't it make things SO much easier knowing that someone cares enough to do that for you (and know what she's talking about!)? Little things like that make all the difference.

2nd quarter has good things ahead for you, I can feel it :)

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

If you'd asked in January, just after IVF #2 failed, I would have said that by this time I'd be finishing up a BCP month in preparation for IVF #3.

Instead, as of tomorrow I am 9 weeks pregnant with twins.

Infertility refuses to let us run the show, whether it means springing bad or good news on us.

Anonymous said...

I hope you can finally actually DO a cycle. Wouldn't that be nice?

In January, I said that if I wasn't pregnant by May, I would do IVF. Instead, I jumped the gun in March, and am now on BCP gearing up for my first IVF which will be in May. The pace still feels slow, but at least it's moving. :-D

Tiger said...

I want to just scrap the first part of the year and get going from here. LOL

Shannon said...

First quarter of 2009...wish it were different.

I started 2009 thinking it would be the best year of my life. I was going to end the year with a baby in my arms, that was not the case, pregnant but miscarried, and just completed IUI #2 with a chemical. Hopefully 2010 will result in a baby, for all of us!

sunflowerchilde said...

I was very excited to start 2009 - first appointment with RE the first week of January, first ever infertility treatment, and a trip to Italy to visit my husband's family. Now, after two failed medicated cycles, one with IUI, and realizing that we won't have a baby in 2009, I'm wishing I could go back to the excitement of three months ago. The only consolation is that maybe we can go to Italy for Christmas.

I really hope your first completed IVF cycle is successful (and soon!).

UnicornMommy said...

2009 thus far has sucked. DX with UU and MTHFR. Great trip to Disney with family in January to return and find out that even though it was approved it cost my my job.

RE wants us to go natural for nine months with new MTHFR meds. I want to skip to turkey baster.

I remain jobless and am not even getting call backs for jobs applied for.

started to work out and feeling good. Losing much gained weight from quitting smoking and mom passing away (it's taken three years to get my ass in gear).

BUT. I'm in a two week window where I wont accept anything but a BFP.

If I do have a BFP I have done the math and due date would be xmas day of 09. That is if the UU didnt kick in and I go into preterm. And that is if I am at all pregnant.

I have no idea what the heck 09 has in store for me, because so far it's been a bust when it was so promising.

Caroline said...

To answer your question about how the first quarter of 2009 has been for us....
DH was downloading some recent photos on the computer, and he named the file-

"2009...What a F****d year it has been so far."

Raw, but honest.

Erica said...

Well this is the year that I've stopped vowing to have a child, be pregnant, or be on the road to adoption by the time I put up next year's Christmas tree. I, too, am done with making plans.

I've also come to accept that I cannot control ANY of this! This has been a big step for me - I'm a control freak! I'm trying really hard (mostly successful) to NOT go to that "what if I get another BFN" place. That's pretty much it. Nothing too profound - just a little farther down the road of acceptance.

I'm happy that your RE's office seems to be on the ball. That reminds me - I'm trying to be more grateful for small graces. :)

B MoM said...

amazing, it's that time of the year already???? man, I feel as if the year just started! I really like your analogies about DH running on the no-adoption field, and playing in the pro-adoption fields. That was funny.

Best When Used By said...

Don't give up! And consider ALL of your options.

Last year we had our first appointment with infertility clinic (Me: 42, 2 mc). SIX MONTHS later they were still dragging their feet doing testing. C'mon already!

Clinic wanted to do IUI (even with my 42 year old eggs).

Me: What are chances of success?
RE: 5%-10% (cost: $2,200)
Me: Good grief.
RE: If that doesn't work we'll go to IVF with PGD.
Me: Great. What are chances of success?
RE: 5%-10% (cost: $15k - $20k)
Me: Are you kidding? Other options?
RE: Donor Egg.
Me: Excellent. Chances of success?
RE: 20%-30%% (cost: $25,000+)

My insurance covers next to nothing. We're not rich. We planned to do one IUI, but with 5%-10% success rate, why? Besides, even if I got preg, my eggs are still OLD and preg likely won't stick!

I did my own research. Nobody tells you about EMBRYO DONATION. It may be the answer to our prayers.

Call to New clinic. On the list immediately. Matched with five darling embryos after only 6 weeks!

Met with Doc and RE. Received my meds TODAY! (I am so excited). This will be my first real cycle! Transfer to be at the end of May.

Cost of cycle with a donated embryo? About HALF the cost of standard IVF (non-donor eggs)!

Chances of success? Well, nothing is certain, but clinic results (per CDC statistics) 60-70%!

I am hopeful at last!

Anonymous said...

(arg...3rd attempt at a comment)

isn't it funny how things just don't follow our rules, despite how many plans we make and how organized we are :)


Monica said...

I LOVE your #1 happy-making thing. I think we get so caught up in the details and drab race of life, that we forget to do those sorts of things - missing work for ourSELVES - ha! Great idea and I think we should all learn from that.

Related Posts Widget for Blogs by LinkWithin