Tuesday, March 10, 2009

One of these things is not like the others...

I have been feeling very left behind lately. Out of place.

Right now I feel like infertility is a crappy part time job that I have. I feel like ultrasounds and blood draws and injections are my primary job duties. I go, and I do it, and I tolerate it and then I head back to my real job. I think I have lost sight of why I am doing all this because the goal seems so far away, so unrealistic.

In my phone consult yesterday, the RE was asking me if I thought I would want to do PGD. When I asked him why I would do that he said that he expected me to have so many eggs resulting in embryos so I would have the opportunity to do PGD before freezing embryos. I told him that quite honestly I couldn't imagine ever having that decision to make. I told him to just get me to retrieval and then I'll decide.


Leslie Laine said...

Megan - as usual, that video was hilarious. I laughed all the way through. I know what you mean about this feeling like a part-time job with no real benefit. Very well put. It just takes up so much time and energy, and there often seems like there's no real payoff.

I know that you're going to keep pushing onward, though, because that's just what we do. And, your sense of humor is still in tact, which is a great sign.

I don't know anything about PGD and had to google it to know what it was. That seems like a big decision to make in the midst of all of this and I'm curious about why he thinks it's necessary at this stage. I'll stay tuned - I want to hear more when you feel like writing..

Anonymous said...

Ugh, and sometimes it feels like a FULL-TIME job! It always blows me away how I worked full-time while doing tx for my son.

And they tell us to relax!


'Murgdan' said...

Ugh. I'm so sorry you're feeling out of sorts...sucks. Love your cookie monster, I wish any of this were easier.

It is slightly encouraging that your new RE is even THINKING of MORE embryos, but i can imagine it's hard to keep the hope after so much disappointment.


Liz said...

Brilliant video - as ever.

Umm - PGD in my world is Post Graduate Diploma. And maybe you fancy doing one before you freeze your embryos - but I'm guessing not.

Anyhow, I'm sure there will be plenty of time to decide after retrieval - whatever it means!

Erica said...

I think you're approaching this the right way. So many things can go wrong, or need to go correctly, before a retrieval can take place. It's best for your sanity to stay as flatlined as possible about it. One step at a time.

Have you ever seen Dan In Real Life with Steve Carrell? I would have loved the movie without the ending line, but that just made it all the more perfect. Remember he says, "We ask our children, 'what do you plan to do with your life,' when what we need to tell our children is 'plan to be surprised.'" Some surprise IF turned out to be, huh? It's kind of a poignant line though, and it makes perfect sense, to me at least.

Hang in there and be good to yourself.

Mo said...

oh megan. i'm so sorry you're feeling left behind. i do really like what the new RE is saying - makes a lot more sense than your previous guy. seems like you're just bursting with eggies waiting to be fertilized.

i'm really hoping this next re is a good fit and can get your ovaries quieted down enough that you can make it to retrieval.

and soon. enough waiting for you already!!!


Diana said...

Now we're talking!
This would be what I expect given your "type" of fertility.
As for the angst etc of waiting to start (and complete) a cycle--soon it'll all be replaced by the angst of the nine looooong months of pregnancy.
Also then you'll have the dilemma of what to do with the embryoes you'll have "left over"... .
Soon soon.

Anonymous said...

I love the video. I'm sorry that you are feeling left behind. This whole thing is a crappy deal.

I know what you mean about it being a crappy job. It's almost a good thing that I can't find a job in my new town, because if I did, how would I handle all the appointments and side effects with a new job and no sick time?

I'm glad that the new RE expects you to have a lot of eggs. Do you get a good feeling from him?

I live the midwest and I'm curious about your old RE. My email address is birdsandsquirrels@gmail.com.

Anonymous said...

I am happy this RE seems to be thinking positively! Did you decide whether to go straight into another cycle? Sending good vibes.

Anonymous said...

I totally hear you when you say that you are feeling left behind. I have 11 friends right now who are pregnant.
I'm totally feeling left out and left behind.

It all really sucks.
Big hugs
Sue x

Tiffanie said...

i know that left behind feeling. i was once on a chat board, mostly for the infertilty stuff. anyway, i am like the only one not pregnant and 2 have had their baby's by now. fucking blows.

glad your new RE is so freakin' optomistic:)

UnicornMommy said...

As I am a victim of our lovely economy and was let go last month from my beloved job I've come to feel that this infertility journey is a crappy full time job. Perfectly said by your part. I had my consult on Monday after the two month gauntlet of testing. RE said something and I was like, MORE TESTING?!?! she laughed and said, no I had done it all. No kidding I did it all. holy crap. And to think hubby only had to have his blood drawn once for three vials. They put it in the wrong tubes by mistake and he had to go in again to put his blood in the right vials. AND he complained. I was like. Give me a break buddy. I had 15 vials drawn and you dont want to know what they did to my vagina. I hear ya, sistah. Dr. told us we were all set to have sex and ttc naturally. I was like, I am ready for the turkey basters. She laughed and I was no, I am serious. I have to ttc for 9 months before we do IUI or IVF. She said my problem wasnt conceiving but maintaining without m/c and the UU. I want a raise. Forget raise, Promote me to Mommy already.

Caroline said...

Hey Megan,
I loved your video (as always). Infertility treatment is like having another job. Sometimes it seems like a never ending job that has no reward. I'm hoping that your new RE will make a big difference.

Anonymous said...

Super cool video, as always.
I feel stuck right now in my pursuit of mommyhood. We've had 2 miscarriages, and I have 3 frozen embryos that we're waiting to try. I have diminished ovarian reserve (DOR), so the jury is still out on whether I can even have children.

A total-life bummer. :-/

Love your new RE so far.

Mary said...

It does feel like a crappy part time job, doesn't it?

Do you like the new RE? He has to be better than than the first guy. I'm still so sorry you had to go through all of that.

You make wonderful videos. They always make me laugh and cry at the same time:)

Anonymous said...

it's hard to keep hold to the knowledge that there is an end to all the testing and the horrendous cycle of hope vs despair. Your new RE seems positive which is awesome and I really hope this is your year.

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