Goodbye Bailey Jane

He was about fifteen years old and caring for him had become more of a chore than a joy, but we still miss him. We put our kitty to sleep. (Yes, he was a boy. I don't know why I called him Bailey Jane.) He has been in decline for a couple years, losing a lot of weight, but for about the last three months he was throwing up everyday, many times quite violently to the point of dry heaves. In the last week he stopped cleaning himself and started throwing up and pooping on his sleepy blankie every night. It was time.

I took him to the vet on Friday. My husband couldn't go. He was too emotional. I cried as I explained that due to his age we weren't interested in expensive tests or treatments. They understood and agreed, but I felt like a real asshole. It was quick, painless, and over in three seconds. As soon as it was done my first thought was, "I changed my mind."

I think we did the right thing. His quality of life had really declined in the past year. He couldn't eat properly because his teeth were bad, but we had already pulled so many teeth. He cried almost constantly when he was awake. He was having a hard time getting around. Am I justifying my actions? You bet, because I feel really bad that my kitty is gone and I made the decision.

We both felt pretty strongly that we couldn't have a baby and care for an elderly cat that throws up daily. It just seems unsanitary to live that way with a baby around. But his health decline was much faster than we anticipated; now we have no baby, no baby on the way, and no fur baby. The house seems so quiet. We have no being that is solely dependant on us for care. Now it is truly just my husband and me. We are alone for the first time.

I Have Four Eyes...

...so I'll be a bad mother???

There is a commercial making the rounds on TV for a local lasik eye care place that has me puzzled. Picture two women sitting and talking. Lady one wears glasses and has a young child on her lap. Lady one turns to lady two and tells her that she is getting lasik eye surgery.

Lady 2: Why are you getting surgery? Your glasses are so cute.

Lady 1: Well, you know it will be so much easier. [Nods toward child on lap indicating that he is the reason she needs lasik eye surgery.]

What the...??? I knew that guys don't make passes at girls that wear glasses, but now they can't be proper mothers either? On top of everything else I need to have surgery on my eyes too?

I will admit that wearing eye glasses is a difficulty I have had to overcome in my life.

1. It's hard to lay on my side and watch TV because my glasses get in the way.

2. When I wake up in the middle of the night I need my glasses to see across the room at the alarm clock to tell what time it is.

3. Ummm...I guess that's it.

Now admittedly, my eyesight is not that bad. If I looked across my bedroom in the middle of the day I could probably puzzle out what time it is on the alarm clock. My eyes just don't work as good when I first wake up. Also admittedly, I have considered having lasik surgery and probably will get it someday. However, I didn't know that it was a necessity for motherhood.

Chalk it up as another reason for the universe to deny me children. I don't have twenty-twenty vision. If I do ever cheat mother nature with IVF and am awoken in the middle of the night by a crying baby, he/she will just have to wait that extra millisecond for my comforting presence while I put on my glasses.

Bad prospective mommy.

Infertility Funk: An Analysis

Thanks for the comments on my new look. I'm trying to Spring up the place. I love the new yellows and oranges that are in all the stores, but they don't really work in my house.

I am in an infertility funk cycle and I feel like I can’t get out. Sometimes I think that dealing with infertility has been worse than when my father died. I feel weird saying that because my father was a real person that I had a relationship with for twenty-one years. Shouldn't losing him feel worse than losing something I never really had?


But I think the difference is this (shown graphically no less)... When Dad died, the worst had happened and each day moving forward improved a bit emotionally. Some days were better, some days were worse. I still have days, over ten years later, when I cry about it, such as holidays or when I do something really great and I want my dad to know about it and be proud of me. For the most part feeling bad about this life experience has leveled off.

On this infertility journey it seems that each day gets worse and something bad is always just around the corner. OK, there are some good days, some more hopeful days, but by the time you start to heal emotionally from one bad cycle, there's another negative pregnancy test to mourn. I'm not going to say that a negative pregnancy test is on the same level as the death of a parent, but perhaps it's on the same level as a death of an acquaintance or coworker? After about six of these in a row, month after month, it starts to take its toll. Take the cumulative effect of years of this type of disappointment and I argue that you start to get to the same level as death of a parent.

Sure this journey can end with the greatest joy, but it can also end with the greatest sorrow. I don't know if this is a sad story in my life that ends happily or if it will be a tragedy the whole way through. And here's the scary thought... If you don't have a baby, how do you ever get closure? Where does the chart end? When does the bad feeling level off?

Sorry for the bummer, go back to enjoying the nice Spring colors now...

Am I Like Jenna?

A quiz:

What do I have in common with J.enna Jam.eson?

A. Fake boobs.

B. Expert fe.llatio skills.

C. Fertility treatments.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/16/jenna-jameson-gives-birth_n_175457.html

OK, so just because she had twins does not mean that she had fertility treatments, but let's just assume she did for a moment (because I promise that A and B do not apply to me).

If you had to chose an infertility spokesperson, who would it be, Jenna or Octomom?

Finding My Smile

I work with a lady who has been with the company for twenty plus years and has a lot of vacation to use each year. Whenever she goes on vacation she posts a note on her computer monitor saying, "I'm off to find my smile. I will return on X date." A bit cheesy, but when I wandered into her cube this week to ask her a question and saw the sign I realized that I have lost my smile lately. I have been in a major funk. More on why I have been so funky (and not in a Marky Mark and the Funky bunch sort of way) in a later post.

In trying to find my smile I have been spending more time in my craft room (because eating carbs and playing hours of Spider Solitaire have not resulted in smile finding, only gaining weight and carpal tunnel syndrome). Picture a corner of an unfinished basement where three six feet tables are arranged in a U-shape with florescent lights hanging overhead, that's where I am right now. I love it even though I'm in an unfinished basement. There is no pressure to be neat and organized.

I've been working on my scrapbook diary 2009 project where I am scrapbooking some of my blog posts. I know, infertility seems like a weird thing to scrapbook, but I was inspired by Ali Edwards book "Life Artist" where she says that you should capture all aspects of your life, not just the happy ones. Infertility is my life right now, so that's what I'm scrapbooking about.


Here's some of what I've been doing in my crafting dungeon...

The scrapbooking version of the Hope - O - Meter...

This post...

And this post...

See what others are showing.

Cyst Update

Thanks for all the well wishes and encouragement yesterday. It must have worked. Here is a mini-update...

The cysts are smaller. The doctor seemed pleased. My ovaries definately seemed less blobby.
I am stopping BCP today.
Blood tests next Friday and then start BCP again.
Appointment on following Tuesday to discuss test results and next steps.
Looking good for a cycle in May.

I feel so much better to have a plan, but I still can't shake the funk I've been in. I'm making hubby take me out to dinner tonight to celebrate, hopefully that will help. I'm not cranking up the Hope-O-Meter yet, but at least I have some things to look forward to.

Cysts, Cysts Go Away

Cysts, cysts go away

Come again another day

Bottoms Off would like to play

I am almost through my pack of BCP and I have an ultrasound tomorrow to see what my ovaries are up to. I'm not feeling very optomistic. I have been feeling a lot of weirdness in my ovaries. It's not pain. It's not uncomfortable. It just feels like activity. It feels like a bad sign to me.

I haven't had any breakthrough bleeding on the pill, but the past couple days my uterus has felt crampy off and on.

I have no idea what any of this means, but I am so scared that tomorrow I am going to see those same big black blobs in my ovaries again. I've seen those big black blobs at every ultrasound since my cancelled cycle in December. Big black blobs at my baseline for my second cycle. Big black blobs before my second cycle was cancelled. Big black blobs at the new doctor's office.

I should be spending time meditating and visualizing these cysts getting smaller and disappearing, but all I can do is imagine them getting bigger and never going away. I need some good news damnit. I hope tomorrow is my day.