So, I've been away for awhile...I'm not really sure why. But I'm going to try and make it up to you. Here are six mini blog posts and/or observations I've made lately.
Post No. 1: The Whisper
"Dateline Mysteries", "48 Hours Investigates", "Snapped", if its a television show about a person gettin' killed by their spouse, my husband is watching it. Disturbing? Yes, slightly. I think he watches because he likes the mystery story and not for ideas. I hope.
Several months ago Tony was watching one of those types of shows and a murder victim's father described "the whisper". I knew exactly what he was talking about. I hear the whisper too.
Let me paraphrase what he said, "I can go about my day. I can go to work. I can laugh. I can have fun. But the whisper of my child's murder is always there, and in the quiet moments of my life it is all I hear."
My whisper is infertility.
Post No 2: Infertile, Interrupted
Part of why I haven't been posting is because I haven't had many positive things to say, not that I think this space should be reserved for wine and roses. Part of me says, "This is real. This is your life. You should share no matter how depressive." Part of me says, "You really should censor yourself a bit. You gain nothing by spewing negativity into the Internet. Keep it to yourself."
I have now accepted that I am unreasonably depressed, depressed beyond the situation. It has consumed me. I intend to do something pharmaceutical about it, but while I made time for endless infertility appointments, I can't seem to find the time for this appointment.
Post No 3: Damn, I Feel Like a Woman
In April I posted about my first visit back to my gyn and my absent period. Well, I hemmed and hawed about giving the blood sample she wanted before I started the Provera that would start my period. Finally at the end of May I gave the blood sample, started the Provera and paused; nothing happened, nada, uterine crickets. After two weeks I called the gyn about my absent flow and was told that Provera could take up to ten weeks, call back after the forth of July. I'd never heard of that, but whatever...
Today, quite unexpectedly, I got my period. I know a lot of infertile women are used to irregular periods, but that was never me. I could set a clock (or maybe a calendar) by my period. No period for five months has been a little disconcerting. But now, here it is. I wonder if I have been successfully "reset" physically or if I will be irregular ever more.
Maybe I'll get reset mentally as well. Watch this space...
Post No 4: LL
Linsay Lohan's dad gives me the creeps.
Post No 5: The Two Faces of Megan
Despite the whisper, despite the depression, Tony and I have been having a very active summer. And we've started dreaming and planning again. We haven't been able to dream and plan for a long time and it feels good to stretch that part of our brains again. Most of these dreams and plans center around new landscaping, purchasing land and building a cabin, and early retirement schemes. Secretly I still want to try a donor egg cycle. Since each of these dreams and plans require money, they are somewhat mutually exclusive. I feel like I'm living two dream lives.
Post No 6: Nothing Special
My husband secretly loves the movie, "Steel Magnolias". Sometimes I walk into the family room and catch him watching it on TV. It's funny. He likes, "Mona Lisa Smile" too. I wonder if its a Julia Roberts thing, but he really doesn't watch any other of her movies. It must be a female ensemble cast thing.
So if you've seen the movie more than once, you know the line. Diabetic Shelby has just told her mother that she is happily pregnant despite the health complications involved. She says, "I'd rather have a few moments of wonderful *pause for dramatic effect* than a lifetime of nothing special."
For some reason I was thinking of this scene a few weeks ago and I thought to myself. That's going to be my life...a lifetime of nothing special. Special is a relative term, so perhaps I was being a bit melodramatic; certainly something special can happen to me in my childless lifetime. Special is anything I want to believe is special. And a lifetime of nothing special also doesn't mean a bad lifetime necessarily. But I still want to be a mom. Maybe more than I did before. Sigh.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
20 comments:
Sometimes I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big ol' hug!!
I'm sorry.... so sorry.
Good to hear from you.
I've slowly been backing away from blogging too. Maybe not for the same reasons, but it's nice to be googling light and faucet fixtures instead of 'DNA Fragmentation'.
Michael Lohan creeps me out too.
The entire Lohan family gives me the creeps.
Even if you change your mind about going childfree, I think you need the opportunity to explore your options and regain your sense of self.
I think Tony and I should hang out - we have similar TV likes. Do you like UFC and Swamp Loggers? Because I've got a husband I might be willing to trade! :)
Well, 6 for the price of one wasn't a bad deal. I felt as if I connected with each of the 6.
I, too, have been blogging/commenting very little in the last few months. There is something about NOT moving forward that stops the creative juices from flowing. And it really is hard to keep posting about nothing but the shitty situation that is your life. HUGS on that one.
And not that my body and it's reaction to all of these drugs should be what you should say your body will be patterned after. I could set my clock by AF before all of these treatments. Every 25 days and around 10 am in the morning. Now - sometimes it is 25 days, sometimes it is 32, sometimes it is longer. Just enough to make you want to POAS to see if God has smiled down on you.
And about Shelby's line - I know that line very well. Every time that movie comes on, I want to see that scene and hear that line because it speaks to me. Makes me cry like crazy too. What can I say, I like to be tortured...
I love your whisper analogy. As much as we try to push the interference of infertility out of our heads, hearts and everyday life, it's still there in the background.
It wasn't until Steel Magnolias aired on some local cable channel that I ever watched it. And I remember the scene you are referring to. Never did I imagine then that it could be used to refer to my own life 15 years later.
Thanks for posting and writing all these "mini-posts" here. I enjoy reading from you, it always makes me think.
I watch those shows, too, and I readily admit it seems creepy, but I like to watch because justice is always served in the end and the world could use a little more justice.
I love those murder shows. I've never thought about it from DH's perspective...and LL's Dad gives me the creeps, too.
The dreaming part of your brain--it's a good one to stretch from time to time. I hope that you get to do BOTH of your dreams and if I win the lotto, well, consider it done.
I'm sorry things are so tough right now.
Good to hear from you. 5 and 6 sound just like me. Hubby and I are planning on redoing our deck and totally re-landscaping our yard - we are both excited about it, but as you know, it costs a lot of money, and in my heart, I'd rather try another donor egg cycle. Convincing my husband of that is another matter because we've also started dreaming about lake houses and other huge expenses. But, like you, I'm so afraid of my life being filled with nothing special and it makes me incredibly sad. I wish I had words of advice or something more uplifting to say other than - I hear you and I completely get where you are coming from. I hope we both can find our way from here.
I love this post, because I think its all-over-the-place-ness captures beautifully the experience that is living almost-post-IF-treatment-but-not-quite - in other words, MY life. And I know the dreams and future plans things are so essential, though I still find it so hard to come up with any. So glad that you have some you're looking forward to.
So nice to hear from you and 6 mini posts is wonderful I think when you're on a break snipits (I can't spell) are the norm because there is no "plan". Limbo is tough but wonderful things can happen during limbo--we bought a small place on a lake in way north VT and I was afraid at the time that this would mean no $ for IVF but it didn't and everytime we are there I am so thankful for it, it is my "happy place". I hope AF makes a more regular appearance and the fact Tony like "Steel Magnolias" means you have a lovely nuturing man who will come around to DE. Hugs to you.
Louisa
Welcome back.
I tried a donor egg cycle -- and even though it didn't work, I knew I had to. That if I didn't, I would always wonder if it was my eggs or my whole body. While the answer I got wasn't the one that I wanted, at least I had an answer.
Sort of the difference between a missing person and having the body for closure.
Hugs to you in whatever you decide.
i want to give you a big hug!!
and ll's dad is a total weirdo!
xoxo
I agree Lilo's dad is creepy. I think he molested her and that is why she acts out and has dependecy issues. He just has that look in his eyes and mouth when he talks about her. I can't explain it- I just see it. Kinda like an unverifiable "Lie To Me" type instinct...without the science behind it. LOL!
Depression is a nasty, tricky, stealth dude. Recognizing it a huge step. Pharmaceuticals have helped me immensely.
I am glad to see some activity here!!
We missed you.
Don't you ever feel like you need to filter for us. I like coming here to read how you manage to articulate what is in my head that I cannot get out. It is sometimes funny and hopeful; but at times grim and dark.
Who cares. Get it out.
I went through a deep depression as well. I had to bounce around on different drugs before I shook it off, but man, thank jaw I did it. I am proud of you for talking about it. Get on that appt.
I believe you can change how that whisper sounds. Take away the ominous tone. It may never go away, but it doesn't have to smother so.
Perhaps try to manage expectations? It can take a bit of time, but you can find the right path to get back to yourself. Whatever that may be after this long goddam IF road.
This comment is loaded with a shitload of IMHO. Maybe you should just delete it. My hope is it makes you feel a little less alone, my dear.
I can heartily recommend the happy pills - they have made all the difference to me with depression and anxiety. Get down to that doctor. And I can also recommend a cycle with donor eggs - it has worked for me (thus far, at least) where nothing else did (and I tried just about everything else!). Hang on in there!
This was a great post. I'm so sorry that you're mired in depression; I hope the pharms can lift the cloud.
Glad to have you back. I'm sorry about the depression. I'm on Lexapro right now and it has helped me alot. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years and have been on lots of different meds. I stopped the meds though everytime we did an IVF, just to be on the safe side and didn't have any bad side effects. You've gotta do what's best for you in the end and sometimes being on meds helps you get thru it. Will be thinking of you.
You sound broken and that makes me sad. I'm a long time reader, first time poster.. Anyway, I wanted to share my story with you.
My husband was the same way as yours - he was completely against adoption at first. But when we tried to live childfree both of us were miserable. We were in hell. We couldn't get what we wanted (a biological child, experiencing a pregnancy and a birth) but we didn't like the alternative. I was depressed and sad. We tried the whole furbaby thing (actually, it was a furbaby AND a featherbaby), we tried vacationing, fixing up our house, and going out but nothing else was what we wanted. A cat or dog or bird can make you feel better for awhile but you can only lie to yourself for so long before it sinks in... you're sad, you're unhappy, and you're angry that babies happen to "everyone" else but you.
Finally, we went to counseling because, although we loved each other, our relationship was no longer what it had been previously. Through counseling my husband decided we could look into adoption. We had to mourn the loss of our biological baby first and that was HARD. My husband wanted a baby that looked like his father, who he had lost when he was young, and I wanted to experience pregancy and give birth to OUR baby. We had to let go of all that and accept the fact that it would never ever happen. Kind of like when someone really close to you dies and you have to accept the fact that you will never see them alive again, and no matter how much you wish they are around it will never be so. It felt like that.
We started attending adoption classes and talking to families who adopted. It felt good to know that all of our efforts and money and planning and hopes and dreams were going to SOMETHING instead of a negative or positive test. Eventually we DID adopt - a little boy named James - and he is absolutely everything I could have dreamed of. We are currently in the process adopting again and we are very excited. I love my son more than anything - it doesn't matter that he isn't biologically "related" to me because he is OUR son.
I don't know if you'll ever get pregnant yourself. I can't say that. You did three IVFs but only one was considered a "failure" - two of them were cancelled. I've known women who I met on our road through infertility to parenthood that succeeded after FIVE IVFs. I went through three IVFs that went to transfer and... nothing...
Reading your blog and reading your sadness... I have to say this... I don't think you could have a childfree life. I don't think your battle is over. I think you need to climb back up on that bicyle and keep riding until you cross the finish line.
I love this post!
The whisper, I love it! I've thought about my infertility as another "being" for awhile now, it is like your bossy mother- always telling you WHAT to do and WHEN to do it. Always looking over your shoulder...
On #2, I say post away! There is nothing an infertile likes more than to know that when you are in the trenches of this mess, there is someone else right there with you. Plus sometimes it feels good to type out a post that really says nothing more than how much your life sucks at the moment.
Damn you feel like a woman... been there done that, hated EVERY minute of it. Now I am having the reverse problem... I've been bleeding for 4 weeks, awesome.
Ahhh, Steel Magnolias such a GREAT movie!
I hope that wherever this journey is heading for you, it will be with fulfilled heart.
I love your whisper analogy. As much as we try to push the interference of infertility out of our heads, hearts and everyday life, it's still there in the background.
Post a Comment