Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Is This Blog Dead?

Why do infertility bloggers stop blogging?

Scenario A:  They have a baby and move on.
Scenario B:  They give up on having a baby and move on.

So where have I been?  Do either of these scenarios apply to me?  Well, "Scenario A" definitely does not apply.  No baby here, that hasn't changed.  Does "Scenario B" apply?  Not really.  I still hear the whisper.  I still think about my lack of babyhood daily.  I still think about this blog almost daily.  I still compose posts in my head while I drive, while I walk, while I work.  For some reason I just haven't been able to put fingers to keyboard and get my thoughts digitized.

Work has been incredibly busy.  Twelve hour days and working on the weekend has become the "new normal" for me.  Lately at work I have wondered how the hell I did my job and IVF at the same time.  Right now I can't imagine fitting appointments, mood swings, bloating, and general-icky-feeling-ness into my very full work day. 

I control how busy I am at work to some extent.  I control how much I delegate and how much I do myself.  I can influence what projects I chose to take on.  I can manage the expectations of my boss which determines how hard I push myself and my team.  So I wonder how much of my work busy-ness is a self imposed coping mechanism.

Between you, me, and anyone that reads this blog, when I was doing IVF I definitely did not work hard.  My IVF work days went something like this:

7:00 - 9:00  Google, Read blogs, or Write a blog post
9:00 - 11:00 Finish the things that ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO GET DONE to prevent losing my job
11:00 - 1:00 Doctor's Appointments, Run to Wholefoods for supplements, or Phone call to pharmacy and/or insurance company
1:00-3:00 Find someone to gossip with, maybe do more work, obsess over possibly losing job
3:00-4:00 Stare at clock until 4 (which is the earliest acceptable time to go home)
***Sprinkle in meetings as necessary

So what gives now?  Am I paying for my previously lax schedule?  Is it guilt for previously wasting company time?  Am I trying to fill my days with something more productive?  Coming from a Midwestern blue collar/agricultural background, hard work has been the answer to most questions.  I come from a long line of workaholics.  If work is the cure...then I'm on my way.


foxy said...

Hi Megan,
I smiled when I read that you still compose posts in your head as you drive, walk and work. I do that too. Sometimes they turn into actual posts, but most of the time they don't. I love it though, because it helps me compose my thoughts in a way that I can deal with them as they come at me. And knowing that I have an outlet for all of my mixed up emotions is helpful, even if I don't end up using it!

thinking about you!

bibc said...

wanted to say hello and that i always love to see an update from you! i agree with you both, i have started to think of my life in terms of blog posts. i think its more of a processing thing, is this worthy of my attention/care? so many things aren't. does that make any sense?
anyway i always loved reading you and im glad you checked in.

Anonymous said...

I'm finding your work schedule breakdown partially hilarious and paritially spooky. It's so much like mine!

areyoukiddingme said...

You devote that much time to actual work? I believe I'm going to have to impose some limits on myself because I'm so unmotivated lately.

We deal with upheaval however we can. Sometimes we slack off, sometimes we work really hard. Life works out as it works out. The future is uncertain, so be patient and your way will become clearer.

Good to hear from you - but sorry you're still so torn.

ApronStringsEm said...

I can completely relate to this post. I had been a supervisor prior to going through IVF and decided that once we went down that route, I'd quit my supervisor job ... just so I could focus my time and energy on staying "positive" during the process.

But once we decided to forego further treatment, I found myself throwing all my energy back into work. So much that I eventually moved to a different state to "further my career."

My thought: if I can't have kids, I might as well focus on the other part of me that I always wanted to be ... a successful career woman.

Well, then I got fired from the job I moved to a different state for. Even though I felt I went above and beyond my capabilities of being successful, my previous boss had some sort of agenda out after me and fired me for some minor technicality that she could have overturned. Personally, I think it's because SHE had kids and couldn't "focus" completely in further HER career ...

In any case, the lesson I learned from all that was that I *shouldn't* focus on "making up" in my career what I couldn't be (a mom) despite that (being a mom) being the ONE thing in life I always wanted to be.

I learned that I should really just focus on being HAPPY with who I am as a person ... even if it's not who I THOUGHT I'd be by now.

I know this sounds like some sort of lame a$$-vice, but I hope that you are able to find some wisdom in what I've been through as well.


Roccie said...

I will be fired by the end of the calendar year.

Great to hear from you.

~stinkb0mb~ said...

LMAO @ your work day....I can't believe that "they" expect you to work while at work!! The cheek!

So glad to see a blog update from you too!!


Brandy said...

It's scary how similar my workday is. It might be even worse now that we're not doing IVF, but that's because I hate my job and my boss is a douche. Working on getting a new one though.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

I am actually doing the same thing with work (minus the 12 hour days). Trying to keep very busy to keep my mind off of IF. During my last IVF my days were about the same as yours. I think back and wonder why I still have a job! Hang in there and don't work yourself to the bone!

the misfit said...

I'm glad to hear that you're no longer, in your view, doing a bad job at your job. I don't think it's a bad thing to disappear into work for a while, while you regroup mentally...but, ultimtaely, I guess we all have to find a balance, between resenting the job and escaping into it. No idea how to do that.

Also, I don't think you're affirmatively neglecting your blog if you literally don't have time to write. So don't shut it down! We miss you, and we'll be here when you return.

Illanare said...

So glad to hear from you - and can totally relate to your post too. I hope you get time to keep on blogging.

Crossing My Fingers said...

As we are about to start the IVF process, I wondered about my it would end-either your choice of A or B? And the funny thing is, it's not just the blog that ends but a lot more. I am a totally workaholic too so work girl, if it makes you feel better you work it!

UnicornMommy said...

I'm here...I took a little hiatus over the summer. My computer battery died and now that I have a replacement our wifi doesn't work. I hate using Hubbies computer...but here I am, cause Comcast sucks and my wifi still isnt working...

Even during that time I too had a commentary of posts in my head. Posts that I really wanted to put finger to keyboard and send out to the masses (har har). But I could never remember them or have the motivation to type out.

I'm trying to get on here at least once a week now...

Hope you are doing well.

Liz said...

Work it girlfriend!

If it helps good on you, but if it is making you miserable I hope you can find a way to step back a bit.

nurslouisa said...

I miss you. I hope being busy at work feels good and that Tony and Bo are doing well. Life marches on, I wish you nothing but the best.

lastchanceivf said...

Work can be a great distraction. I was so grateful that my work required me to stay focused (although there were times I'll admit I've be halfway through a visit with a patient and wonder what the hell they'd been saying for the previous fifteen minutes!) otherwise I probably would have just sat at my desk and cried a lot.
Blog when you feel like it--we'll still be around to read!

MelissaP05 said...

Glad to have you back, missed hearing from you! My schedule is very similar, except add more time to internet surfing when I should be doing experiments in the lab. Ugh the things IF does to us...

AmyG said...

This was a great post. Like Misfits says, we're here for you when blogging is a help.

Heidi said...

I was just thinking about what you are talking about. My schedule looked the same as yours. Once we did get in that holding pattern and not doing ivf I didnt know what to do, then lost my job (not fired for lack of working, stupid lay offs). Now I am back to work and I miss my lax schedule, I feel like I cant and dont want to blog because I dont have anything interesting to say.

My new boring life of work, food, photography and nothingness does not compare to the emotions I was sharing with ivf and infertility. Its not the same sharing about how I am filled with joy when the dog barks at the work "hiccup". HAHA

Best of luck to you and you navigate this unfamiliar territory as well!

Anonymous said...

ah yes....the midwestern workaholic ;) i know her well.

i use work as a method of avoidance. and i use organization as a method of procrastination. you do what you have to do, right?

i still write blog posts all of the time in my head. i just don't know who reads or cares anymore.

...i can say that i will read and follow you regardless of what you write about :)

Anonymous said...

I hear ya loud and clear. I don't blog as much as I used to although I still read blogs. Sometimes I think I just get tired of writing about everything. Different words, same theme over and over. Not pregnant, Not matched, no signs of either and very little hope. It gets old for me. I still find it fascinating to read others' blogs though so go figure. There are days, weeks and sometimes months in which I just don't feel like writing.

women:s health and fertility said...

I have been following your blog for over a year, admiring your fortitude & your ability to blog so effectively for the IF community. I hope you don't give up...have a look at my blog posts on PCOS etc. for some insights on what others have gone through, you will find you are not alone. Foxy Popcorn had a great post the other day that I think you can relate to ( I'm glad you are on a break...take care & know that there are many out there rooting for you!

Anonymous said...

When I started my blog a couple of months ago I didn't realize how much time it would take to maintain it. I'm very sympathetic to people who feel like giving up. I appreciate the intellectual stimulation of it though. It makes me think about my experience differently beyond my own emotional reactions to my own situation and that is why I continue to do it. I hope you continue w/ your writing.
Happy ICLW.

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