An Infertility Carol

I wanted to wait to have children. My reasons were that I wasn't ready for children for career reasons and I wanted to have some time alone with my husband before the craziness of children ruled our lives. Also, financially we were not ready for a long time as my husband was in grad school and not working full time.

I still wasn't really "ready" when we started trying, but I figured I would get ready in the few months it would take us to get pregnant. I never thought we would face these infertility issues. I was young (we started trying when I was twenty-nine.) I had regular periods. My husband was older, but who cares about the man's age right?

Sometimes I wish I could go back and warn myself what I was in for...

[Disclaimer: Babies shown.]

Family's Coming, Hide the Meds

I have six people coming to stay at my house this weekend. The house guests are comprised of mothers and sisters and aunts and cousins. When I planned this weekend I was to be at the tail end of a two week wait and looking for a distraction. Now I wish I had a way out. But they are coming. In fact, they are here. My sister is at a local mall as we speak.

As part of our home preparation for house guests (washing sheets, cleaning guest baths, and dusting our formal living and dining room that we otherwise never go in) I was told by my husband to do something with the pile of fertility related medicines and syringes that have been piled on my kitchen counter for the last six months. I move this pile at least once a week to give the kitchen counters a thorough wiping, but I have never bothered to find a more proper place for medicine storage. So I threw all the medicines and syringes in a tote bag and put tote bag on the top shelf of a closet. Proper storage found.

As hubby was cleaning out the fridge I told him that he should probably do something with our collection of refrigerated fertility meds. I came back to find him hiding the meds in the fridge behind packages of deli meat. I told him, "Why don't you just take the meds to the fridge downstairs." I could tell that he felt emasculated in the face of my genius because he responded, "Since you are so full of good ideas, why don't you take them downstairs."

Ahhh...preparing for house guests is so much fun.

Foster Kidding

I mentioned in an earlier post that I came out of the infertility closet to my mother and sister based on my application to become a foster parent. So here's the skinny on that.

I honestly can't remember what came first, wanting to start a family or wanting to become a foster parent. The two are mutually exclusive activities in my mind and I don’t intend to substitute one for the other. I don’t feel that I want to be a foster parent because I can’t have a child and I don’t feel that once I have a child I will no longer want to be a foster parent. But who knows if I am being honest with myself.

At this point we have made an application to be a foster parent, but we are at the stage where we are trying to learn more about the process and haven’t made a final decision if this is right. I remember the idea of becoming a foster parent coming to me.

When I met my husband he had a lucrative career in sales, but was very unhappy. I encouraged him to go back to school to become a school guidance counselor and supported him in grad school. He makes less money now, but he loves his job. He gets an enormous amount of job satisfaction through helping kids. I like my job too, but let's face it; I'm an accountant, I don’t exactly make a difference. And that’s where the fostering idea came from, wanting to give back, wanting to help kids who never really had a chance in life. I feel that my husband and I are common sense people, financially secure, and caring. I think we could provide a lot of stability for a foster child.

Initially my husband was against the idea. He felt that it would be too much like bringing his work home with him. I understood what he was saying and I didn’t push the idea. But now we are both ready to explore this option as a possibility for our lives. What changed his mind was a little girl in foster care on the local news who said that her biggest dream was to go to the local amusement park. I turned to my husband and said, “It just breaks my heart to hear that. I feel like bringing that girl home and taking her to the amusement park the next day and then saying, OK. What’s your dream now?” My husband is a sucker for a little girl.

I think my biggest challenge right now is trying to pry off my rose colored glasses regarding my expectations for this experience. Right now our intention is to foster, not adopt, and we want older kids, not babies or toddlers. I know I will need to learn how to relate to these children whose lives are going to be incredibly foreign to me. My parents were married for almost thirty years before my father passed away. I was never abused and I always had everything I needed, although not much of what I wanted. I know that I will need to learn to accept that my house will no longer be perfect. I know that these children will have learning disabilities and behavior problems. I know that this whole experience will be completely different and much harder than I could ever imagine.

But for right now, I feel drawn to it. I feel that it’s something I need to explore. I’m interested if anyone has any feedback or experience with this.

A Quickie

Sometimes my desire to stop infertility treatments is equal to my desire to keep going.

Infertility: Can't live with it, can't live without it.

Infertility Hope-O-Meter

I'd like to introduce the infertility hope-o-meter. I find that as I go through cycles the hope that I will have a real live baby someday can change daily. Starting injections, hope goes up. Cancelled cycle, hope goes down.

The hope-o-meter goes from zero (no hope) to five (yeah right). Right now I think I'm at about a two. I feel somewhat hopeful since I started with the new RE, but I would feel more hopeful if I were actually cycling.

Friday, I have a phone appointment with the new RE. I am a little confused by this as I'm not sure how he will tell if my cysts are gone over the phone. I guess I will take the call at home in case I have to shove the phone up my vagina so he can listen to my ovaries. I checked with the nurse twice to see if this was actually supposed to be a phone appointment and she said yes. I'm trying to keep an open mind. Maybe I just have to get used to the new system.

BFA

Womb for Improvement is creating a whole new lexicon (I had to look up that word, it means a new vocabulary or dictionary.) Monica at Knocked Up, Knocked Down is looking for new vocabulary words too.

I would like to submit a new infertility related acronym. BFA or Big F*cking Abyss. That is where I am right now. No BFP. No BFN. Just BFA. I've been there since the middle of October, that's five months and counting.

What is BFA?

When you're in the BFA you might get your period, you might not. You might even take a pee-stick pregnancy test just for shits and giggles. But when you are in the BFA there is no way you are getting pregnant because you are not doing anything to get pregnant (except maybe have sex, but we all know that doesn't work.)

How do you get to a BFA?

There are many paths to a BFA. Maybe you have run out of money. Maybe you are saving money. Maybe you are having medical procedures to prepare your body to IVF or to IUI or to *gasp* try naturally. Maybe you are taking a break from medical procedures to save your sanity. Maybe you are in a never ending cycle of cancelled cycles. *raises hand* Maybe you are waiting for a spouse to get on board with treatments. The point is, there is no way you are getting pregnant because you are not doing anything to get pregnant.

What does BFA feel like?

I can only speak for myself. I entered the BFA after months of unsuccessful trying to conceive with Clomid. I felt like I had just jumped from a moving vehicle with a reckless driver who had been drinking a little. I was so relieved. I was kissing the ground, so glad to be out of the car and alive, if a little sore and bruised.

But then I got up, brushed myself off and realized that I was not where I wanted to be. I was on the other side of town. I hailed a cab and hopped in, but the cab driver (stoopid RE) didn't speak the same language as me and I couldn't seem to get where I needed to go. I finally told him to stop the car and paid my fare, but I still wasn't anywhere near where I needed to be.

In fact, I felt farther away than ever. Now I'm walking along a dusty road, not making much progress, but hoping I'm moving in the right direction. My feet are getting swollen and blistered and I just want to sit down and rest.

At first the BFA wasn't so bad, but now it is really starting to wear on me. This BFA is almost as bad as the succession of BFNs that proceeded it. I know I'm not alone in this abyss. I know I have a lot of BFA sisters who understand how much it sucks and that helps.

I'm there

I really hate this commercial. Whenever this commercial comes on the television I can't change the channel soon enough. I'm sure you don't even have to watch it. It's the insurance one with the baby.

I hate the too cute to be real baby.
I hate the super emotional dad. I want that to be my husband. I want to give my husband that moment.

So where am I?

You know that place where you've had two cancelled IVF cycles and spent thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it.

You know that place where you can't walk past a baby without saying, "stupid baby" under your breath.

I'm there.

Where are you?

Update: Look at this. It's too funny.