Two is the Lonliest Number

I love my husband very much and there is no one I would rather spend time with (not that I have a choice most days). We usually spend most of our time laughing together because we are both total smart asses. In fact, we can't even fight because eventually someone has a come-back that is too hilarious and we both start laughing.

That being said...sometimes I look at him and wonder if it will always be just the two of us. Sometimes we are sitting on the sofa watching TV (OK a lot of times we do that) and I think...is this it? Could this be the rest of our lives? In ten years will we still be arguing over which TV shows are banned in the house? (I have banned Scrubs and Family Guy. He has banned any show having to do with Real Housewives and John and Kate Plus Eight). Will we still be bickering over our NetFlix queue? Will we still be treating our cat like a little human, referring to ourselves as "mommy" and "daddy" when we speak to him? Will we always be able to get away with having cereal for dinner? Will we always be able to curse freely? Will our outlets ever have a need for childproofing?

Or someday will our lives have more meaning? Someday will we be able to introduce someone else to our strange little world? I hope so.

February 17th

February 17th is when I start lupron injections again.

I keep having this recurring thought, which is growing into a recurring fear that I am going to forget. I feel much more relaxed this cycle (good thing). So relaxed that every once in awhile I catch myself thinking, "oh crap...what day am I supposed to start my lupron?" I keep pulling my planner out of my purse to check.

I don't wear a watch...if I have back to back meetings, odds are I'm going to be late for the second one. I once failed a course in college because I missed the last drop day. I don't want to screw this up.

February 17th.
February 17th.
February 17th.

A Week in the Life

If the F.B.I. is watching...I don't intend to blow up the world. (Do we still have to worry about that now that GW is gone?)

See what else people are showing and telling.

Infertility Sing-A-Long

OK, so there is one song that whenever I hear it I think about my miscarriage and start crying. The chorus goes like this:

"Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do"

Not totally appropriate, I know, but it got me thinking...

Why aren't there more songs about infertility? Weird idea...but stay with me. There could be pop song related to that hopeful two week wait time. Something with a nice beat that you could dance to (without shaking up your uterus of course). And the inevitable sappy country songs to cry along with when it all goes wrong.

Some suggestions:

She Thinks My Semen Analysis Results Are Sexy
Embryos in the Stream
Take this Pee Stick and Shove It
Stand By Your Embryologist
Did I Shave My Legs for This Appointment?
Acky Breaky Eggs
If You've Got the Money, I Need an IVF Cycle
On the Pill Again

Just a thought...too bad I can't sing.

Grateful

Mo listed three things she was grateful for on Sunday. And I quote, "It is easy while in the doldrums of infertility to lose perspective and forget that there are many things going just fine and even better than fine, if I could only lift my head up long enough to notice."

I do gravitate toward the negative, so I going to try and have a positive day today. Here are some things in my life that are going fine or better than fine...

1. I have a husband who makes me laugh every day. We are a perfect sarcastic pair. I realize that once we become parents we will probably have to change or we will end up with a severely scarred child.

2. I really like my house. It's not the biggest. It's not the newest. It's not my "dream house", but it is more than adequate. Also, hubby drives five miles to work and I drive twelve miles to work. I love having a short commute.

3. I work for a company that does better in a down economy. I would never assume that my job is safe, but I have a little less stress than some others these days.

That's it. Thanks Mo.

If I Was a Breeder - The IRS Version

I completed my taxes yesterday. We owe $800 net, which means we owe $1500 to the federal government, but are getting a $700 rebate from the state (if they don’t run out of money). I generally don’t try to get a big tax refund, but I usually like to hit it a little closer and not owe much.

So for grins and giggles I decided to figure out what my tax refund would be if I were a breeder. If I had one kid I would be getting a $1400 net refund, and I wouldn’t owe anyone anything. This doesn’t count any child care tax credits I may have been able to take. Crap. Taxes suck for non-breeders, especially infertile ones. Let’s break it down.

I am not a breeder so I get no extra deductions or credits for children or child care.
If I was a breeder I could deduct loads more from my income and maybe get a piece of the child care tax credit action (AKA cash prize for breeding).

I am not a breeder so I get to spend loads of money on expensive fertility treatments, but not quite enough to deduct any medical expenses.
If I was a breeder I wouldn’t need to deduct medical expenses because health insurance would pretty much cover all my extra medical expenses related to my children.

I am not a breeder so I pay real estate taxes used primarily to support local schools that I don’t use. (Although my husband works in education, so my argument gets a little muddy here).
If I was a breeder I would thank the non-breeders for sending my kids to school for free.

I’m not bitter. I’m just ranting. I want to get on the government teat too. I’m sick of being the cow producing all the milk.

You're So Lucky

So HB.O now has the movie Ju.no on perma-loop. My husband must like this movie because it is on all the time when I come in the room (He also really likes M.ona Li.sa Sm.ile and St.eel Magn.olias...hee hee). I have mixed feelings about this movie. I think it's a funny, clever movie, but I think the J.uno character is too blase about giving away a baby to be believable. Of course there are also the infertility feelings that are so mixed up in watching this movie. (I can stand this movie a LOT better than Ba.by Mam.a though. You know, the realistic movie where everyone gets a baby in the end.)

There is one part in this movie that makes me cringe every time I watch it. J.uno meets the adoptive parents for the first time and is talking about getting fat and putting elastic bands in her jeans. The adoptive mother says, "I think pregnancy is beautiful." J.uno says, "Well, you're lucky it's not you." You can see in Jen.nifer Gar.ner's face how hard it is for the adoptive mother to hear this. But she doesn't say anything. I know why...because she hears this kind of shit all the time.

You're so lucky you can go to the movie's without finding a sitter.

You're so lucky you can travel.

You're so lucky to have disposable income you don't have to spend on kids.

You're so lucky you don't have pregnancy gas.

You're so lucky you get to sleep through the night.

You're so lucky, you're so lucky, you're so lucky...

I don't feel lucky.

I don't think it would be more possible for me to feel less f*cking lucky. Most people who say this don't know about my struggles with infertility. Some do know about my struggles, but I can also tell that they know they have just put their foot in their mouth big time. (I forgive them because I am the queen of putting my foot in my mouth.)

I know that this is one of those things in life that just isn't fair. Like you can make fun of someone for being too skinny, but not for being too fat. You can make fun of someone for being too rich, but not too poor. But sometimes (fair or not) I want to tell the fertiles how lucky they are...

You're so lucky that you don't have to spend tens of thousands of dollars just to try and have a kid.

You're so lucky that you get to tuck a child into bed every night.

You're so lucky that pregnancy is a happy time for you and not a time of waiting for the other shoe to fall.

You're so lucky that all of your babies were born alive and healthy.

You're so lucky.

But I guess we can't say that. It's just not socially acceptable.