If you have curly hair, you want straight hair. If you have straight hair (all together now) you want curly hair. I happen to have naturally curly hair. Sometimes I want straight hair, but mostly I am OK with my curls.
My mother is an incredibly jealous person. She is focused on what others have that she does not have. She is constantly questioning what people had to do to get what they have and always condemning people for getting more. Don't they have enough?!?!?! In ways this has jealousy ruined my mother's life. It impacted my life as well. Growing up, sometimes I wasn't allowed to invite friends to the house if their house was nicer than ours.
I really try to control jealousy in my own life. My philosophy is that everyone's life has happiness and sadness. Some people might hide the sadness and all you see is the happiness, but it is still there.
Infertility really tests this theory of mine, but even when a friend of mine's first IVF worked while my third IVF failed I could recognize that her life was not perfect. She had a successful pregnancy. She also had a husband with a lot of baggage (including troubled children) from a previous marriage. She had a town house that was underwater and she could not sell. She had a pink slip from her job and no prospects for a new job in this economy. Yes, her IVF was successful, but I wasn't volunteering to trade places with her.
When I posted that I was becoming a workaholic I didn't tell the whole story. At the time I was up for a promotion; an amazing promotion to a role for which I am unqualified, too young, too inexperienced, and for which there were many other more experienced candidates.
I got it.
I received many heartfelt congratulations from colleagues, but I could see the jealousy in some people's eyes. I could see the questioning. "Why is she in that job? Why does she get all the breaks? Why? Why? Why?" I understand their questioning. I have had some amazing career opportunites. I have been lucky to be at the right place at the right time.
I wanted to answer the unasked questions I saw in their eyes. I felt like saying, "Thanks for the congratulations. I'm not as lucky as you think. I can't have children. If I could have children I probably wouldn't have even applied for this job. I would give up this promotion in a second if I could go back and have a successful IVF. Don't envy me."
I definately have my moments when I wonder why. Why did I have to lose my father just when our relationship was starting to mature and bloom? Why did I have to move in junior high; the worst time for a girl to move and change schools? Why did I have to pay for my own first car, my own college education, my own wedding? And why oh why have I been afflicted with this fucking disease called infertility???
My life has sadness. I also have blessings. We all do. We just have to recognize them.