Several months ago I went to lunch with a wise older friend and unloaded all my infertility shit on her. This was just prior to IVF #4 and I was wondering aloud how or if I would ever know when it was time to stop trying.
She told me, "When it's time to stop, you will just know. After I had my second daughter I just knew I was done having kids and had my tubes tied."
At the time I couldn't really hear her for two reasons.
Reason #1: I was bitter that she was comparing her decision to stop HAVING children to my decision to stop TRYING to have children.
Reason #2: "You will just know" advice is always hard to hear. "When you find the right man...you will just know." "When you find the right house...you will just know." When you are in the middle of searching and filled with indecision it is difficult to trust that you will ever "just know" anything with such certainty.
But now I know.
I know this is it for us.
This is our last try.
In this moment we have no plans to pursue further IVFs, donor eggs, or adoption. In fact, we have seriously considered abandoning this cycle more than once.
We just feel we are done. We just know it.
We are not only hoping for a pregnancy. We are hoping for closure.
This cycle I have not calculated a potential due date. I have not visited baby websites to check out the latest nursery themes. Instead we have been preparing our four bedroom home for sale and scouring real estate listings for old homes in neighborhoods with bad school districts.
We are planning for a different future and this cycle feels like a speed bump. That doesn't mean that we won't be thrilled if we get pregnant, even though we really expect not to be. That doesn't mean that we won't be devastated if this cycle fails, even though we are expecting failure.
I know this post will make some feel sad. This is not a sad post. I'm still excited about this cycle, but it's a different sort of excitement. I see this cycle as a win-win situation. I may get what I always wanted, but if not I will get to move on with my life.
I feel relief at that thought.
I feel peace.