The Worst Year Ever?

Sometimes I get confused about what year it is. I know that makes me sound a little stupid and airheaded, but there's a good reason.


My company's fiscal year ends in February, so I have been in fiscal 2010 for eight months; fiscal 2010 and calendar 2009. January 1 not only marks a new calendar year, but also those magical two months when calendar and fiscal years converge and I don't have to pause and think before filling out the date on a form.


I don't really know what to say about 2009. It wasn't good. This time last year I predicted that 2009 would end with a baby, a pregnancy, or an end to our non-baby makin' journey. None of these are true; so I can add inability to tell the future to my list of failures this year.

I've been reading reflective blog posts. I've watched year end retrospective specials on the news. I've written this blog post three times now. But I've realized that I really don't want to reflect on 2009.

It sucked.

Next week I am officially "on calendar" for IVF attempt #5.

Here's to a happy 2010 and a more profitable fiscal 2011!

Home for the Holidays

This Christmas I've decided not to remove the IVF cycle calendar from my refrigerator door.

This Christmas I've decided not to hide my IVF meds behind the deli meat.

This Christmas I will leave my sharps container on the kitchen counter.

Why?

In the past I have been hyper secretive about our infertility where my family is involved. I just "came out" after IVF number four.

Why?

I always thought I would tell my family about our journey while holding a baby in my arms. I would explain how MY little miracle was TRULY a miracle. I didn't want my family to know about my struggle while I was still a failure. I'm not great with sharing my failures....even with my family...maybe especially with my family.

But now, things are different. I have accepted that this journey might not end with a baby. I want my family to understand why pregnancy announcements are hard for me, why they shouldn't ask when I'm having a baby, why I may not be able to participate in my sister's baby shower, why I won't hold my cousin's new baby due in a couple months.

I want witnesses for my pain.

I want my family to understand and appreciate what I have been through.

I want support.

So this weekend I will be explaining the inner workings of IVF to the uninitiated. I'll be saying that the shots aren't too bad. I'll be explaining how not everyone turns into Octomom. I'll be bracing myself for an inevitable insensitive comment. I will be looked at with pity.

But I will be with my family. And they will understand and appreciate and support the best they can.

Cycle Details

Here are some details on this cycle for those that are interested:

The Diet: Pretty much doing the same stuff, although I have to admit that I've not been as strict and I need to start uping the fruit and veg like I did before. Still no caffeine, but I have had alcohol more than I did last time (which was none). I have been drinking Diet 7UP. Last time was nothing but water and herbal tea.

Meditation: I haven't done any, but probably will when the cycle heats up.

Exercise: Pretty much nil except walking the dog. I am very upset with myself for this as I think that exercise really helps with the stress and general health. Ironically the puppy I got to keep me company on long walks had made me more home bound; first he couldn't walk on a leash, then he couldn't walk very far, now it is winter. *sigh* I really must do something about this.

Acupuncture: This one I am really concerned about. I haven't gone to acupuncture since my failed cycle. I have really struggled about what to do. I believe that acupuncture helped with my last cycle. I was going to start up again in November, but work was just too busy for me to start slipping away early for appointments. Now in December I am feeling too broke due to real estate taxes, personal property taxes, Christmas gifts, and trying to prepay as many medical expenses as humanly possible for tax reasons. If this cycle is a bust I will always wonder what if...

Supplements: I am now taking l-arginine, wheat grass, royal jelly, and a fertility vitamin blend suggested by my RE. What the!!! The same RE who told me that supplements wouldn't help when I was begging for suggestions after IVF #3 now thinks that I should be taking anti-oxidants. This makes me grumble.

Tony: Tony did the hormone testing suggested by the RE after failed IVF #4. Based on those results he is now taking one tab of Clomid every other day and and HCG injection once a week. I gather from Google searches that these treatments for men are rather controversial and probably won't do much to help. Our RE has said as much, but I'm glad he has presented this as an option for us to try. Tony is also taking antioxidants.

Protocol: I am doing basically the same protocol as before with a couple changes. I will be taking human growth hormone (so I guess I can't compete in the Olympics). My RE's opinion is that HGH might help one in eight women, but he normally doesn't suggest it due to price ($1600 for me). Again I am glad that he is giving me the information and the options. I have also tested positive for elevated natural killer cells and will be doing intralipids. I actually think this is good news and might answer why last time failed. I will be just devastated if we make shit embryos this time and don't get an opportunity to see if the intralipids will help implantation.

The Bottom Line: I'm glad that we are trying new things, but sometimes I wonder if I am grasping at very expensive straws.

I feel a lot of anxiety about not doing acupuncture, but I just think that the expense would cause me too much stress. We have really drained the savings account lately paying for testing and the extra prescription meds.

I am also bummed that I have not been following the diet as closely. I feel like I am in an Eastern medicine death spiral where I think, "It takes at least three months to take effect and I don't have three months so why bother..."

I've started taking Estrace...one day at a time, it will all be happening before you know it.

P.S. I've cranked up the Hope-O-Meter...slightly.

The Little Voice

Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I argue with it, sometimes I believe it and celebrate it; that little voice inside of me that says, “This is going to work because…”

The “because” is different with every IVF.

This is going to work because we aren’t really that infertile and IVF is a bit of overkill.
This is going to work because now we are seeing a new RE.
This is going to work because I have been doing acupuncture and meditation and supplements and diet changes.

Now I have a new “because”.

This is going to work because it would be a perfect ending to a last chance IVF.

Sigh. I’ve grown to hate that little voice. That little voice is never right.

But it is still there. Whispering. This is going to work. This is going to work. This is going to work.

Bo Joins the Club

Bo took a trip to the vet.




Now he's infertile too.
Good thing he can't type...

THE SCREAMING POST

I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT I CAN'T GET PREGNANT THE OLD FASHIONED WAY ANYMORE!!! WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT GOT PREGNANT WITH ONE IVF?!?!?!

MY COUSIN WHO ALWAYS SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE KIDS AND EVEN TOLD US ALL THAT AT HER WEDDING IS DUE IN A FEW MONTHS. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?!????!?!?!

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? WHY ME WHY ME WHY ME???

THIS IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR ALL THE TIME AND AT EVERY TURN. CAN'T I EVER GET A FUCKING BREAK???

I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE AT WORK GETTING PREGNANT AND FRAMING THEIR GOD DAMNED ULTRASOUND PICTURES AND PUTTING THEM ON THEIR DESKS.

ok. feel a bit better now. feel free to add your own screams to the comments.

Yesterday and Tomorrow

Yesterday:

Yesterday was my official one year blogoversary. I really don't feel the need to reflect on this past year. I will just acknowledge the blogoversary and move on. I did decide to change the decor (imagine how annoying I would be if I had a real kid).

Tomorrow:

Tomorrow I have an appointment with "the wand" unless I get my period. Tomorrow is cycle day 38 so I guess we are going to pop the hood and see what's going on. My coordinator asked me if I thought I might be pregnant. I answered, "No, I think you have to have sex* to get pregnant, or so I've heard."

*Tony and I have only had sex once or maybe twice in the last 38 days. Maybe I'll post about that another day.

a busy weekend

It seems that my blog posts have been rather depressing of late, not a true reflection of my day to day life. Work and home have been incredibly busy lately. It fact I've hardly had time to think about being infertile at all. When I do think about the fact that I am barren it been in a "maybe it's good I don't have a kid because how would I ever fit that into my schedule" sort of way.


This weekend I made my cleaning list in preparation for family Christmas at my home this year.

One good thing about having your closest family member a four hour drive away is that it is relatively easy to maintain the illusion that you are a perfect housekeeper...until they come to visit for a three day stay.

I baked Tony's favorite cake (from scratch) for his birthday.

After taking this picture Tony promptly grabbed a dinner plate and cut himself a healthy slice...



Of course Tony's birthday is also the first anniversary of our first cancelled IVF. While I have had many more disappointments since then, the first one was the worst. I couldn't get out of bed for days. I'm proud of myself for not bringing up this sad anniversary and ruining another birthday for Tony.

I finished my Christmas pillow sewing project.
If you can read that "naughty" pillow and think it's a little odd, the other side says "nice". It was a better idea in my head.

And I even finished making a Santa dummy for the Christmas decorating contest at work (don't ask).

Bo is pooped after a busy weekend of following me around...

Next up: Christmas cards, Christmas baking, and a new tote bag that I would like to try sewing.

Nothing like a busy holiday season to keep cramming those yucky and sad feelings back to places in your brain that you rarely visit.

Things I Couldn't Say Two Months Ago

Sometimes my blog posts rattle around in my head for days or weeks or even months while I figure out what I want to say or sort through my own confusing feelings. This one has definitely been rattling around for awhile; two months to be exact.

I was going to originally title this post, “I Want a Dead Baby”. I figured it was radical and would make people want to read the post, but most of all the title summed up how I felt. In the end I decided it was too morbid to assault people’s Google Readers with a “dead baby” title.

Two months ago, after IVF #4 failed, I could accept that I wasn’t going to have a real live baby, but I had a harder time accepting that I didn’t even get pregnant. I just wanted to be pregnant, even if it ended in miscarriage.

OK. I can hear a chorus of, “why why why” ringing through the internet right now. So I will answer.

I wanted to feel the joy of being pregnant. I wanted to see the look on my husband’s face when I told him the good news. I wanted to tell my family that I was pregnant. I wanted to dream and believe that this could really happen for me. Yes, I know that having a miscarriage would bring far greater pain than the pain of never getting pregnant to begin with. But I was willing to take on that pain just for a taste of the joy. I just wanted a nibble or a glimpse of what it would feel like if an IVF worked.

I don’t know how to grieve these series of failed IVFs. In my head I constantly have this conversation with the world:


World: Why are you so sad?

Me: Well, I tried to have a baby and it didn’t work out.

World: Is that all?

Me: I don’t think you understand. I really really tried to have a baby and it didn’t work out.

World: OK. I get it…so…why are you so sad?

Me: BECAUSE I PUT MY HEART AND SOUL INTO TRYING TO HAVE A BABY AND IT DIDN’T WORK OUT!!!

World: I think you need to get over this.


OK. I know that society does not do much to recognize the pain of a miscarriage (or even a still birth for that matter). But in my head there is something more tangible to grieve with a miscarriage. The pain is easier to explain. It seems people can understand the loss of a pregnancy more that the loss of something you never even had, even if they can’t truly empathize with either one.

Those were my very raw feelings at the time, I don’t want a dead baby anymore. In fact, for IVF #5 I definitely only want a live baby or no baby (but I do want to make it to transfer). For IVF #5 a dead baby would be a disaster. I have already given myself permission to stop doing IVFs if this one fails and a dead baby would seriously mess with that plan……….

Picking at Scabs

Two years ago I didn't put up a Christmas tree. I just didn't feel like it after the miscarriage.

Last year I didn't put up a Christmas tree. I just didn't feel like it after my first cancelled IVF cycle.

This year...

It's beginning to look a bit like Christmas around here.

I didn't really have a choice about putting up the tree; family Christmas is at my house this year. However, I also found that I really wanted to put up the tree this year. In fact I was looking forward to celebrating Christmas minus raw feelings from some fertility related disaster. I was looking forward to celebrating Christmas with a nice healthy scab over those feelings.

When I was a little girl I was never very good at leaving scabs alone. I would pick at the edges on one side, then pick at the edges on the other side. I'd try to stop myself, but the pull of a scab waiting to be picked was just too strong. Sometimes I'd pick too much. I'd pick past the point of no return and I'd have to pull the whole thing off revealing the raw unhealed skin underneath.

As much as I've been enjoying my infertility scab, today I picked. Today I received the protocol for my February cycle. I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't ready for it. This cycle is sneaking up on me.

No more picking until after Christmas!