Meet Bo

With everything else going on, I forgot to make an announcement until the sight of Mo and Will's adorable puppy reminded me.

We got a puppy.

On the spur of the moment.

The day before my retrieval.

Start your psychoanalysis now.

He's a golden retriever and he's now thirteen weeks old. We were going to name him We'reReallyScaredThisCycleWon'tWorkAndWe'llNeedADistraction, but that doesn't really roll off the tongue.

Instead we named him Bo. We have now realized that Bo sounds a lot like, "No!" (a word we have been using alot.)

We already went to one puppy class where Bo peed AND pooped on the floor. When we were teaching the "come" command he proved himself to be a total "treat whore" running and jumping on other people as they were calling their dogs.

When I was crying on the floor yesterday he comforted me by sitting on my head and trying to eat my face. It's hard to cry when you are trying to not become permanently disfigured.

But on the other hand, when he gets scared, he runs and sits in my lap. When I come home from work he loves me to rub his belly. When I call him, he runs toward me at full speed. All in all he has been a good distraction.

So Mo and Will, if you have any tips for keeping Moxie off the furniture I'm ready to hear them because Bo has figured out how to get on the sofa.

It's Official

Even though I failed the pregnancy test I still took my progesterone this weekend like a good girl.

Even though I started spotting last night I went to my blood draw this morning like a good girl.

When the phlebotomist that I hate called my name, I went willingly and I sat quietly as she dug the needle around in my arm…twice. Then I calmly asked for someone else to take my blood, thinking the whole time that I needn’t be here. It was all a formality, adding insult to injury.

You know the urban legend about the IVF cycle where the woman had a negative pregnancy test 8dp5dt, spotting one day later, and still ended up pregnant?

That’s not me.

My beta was negative.

Infertility has so many ways to tell you that you have failed; pee test, spotting, blood test, period. I’ve failed them all this cycle except getting my period which will surely come when I stop the progesterone. I can feel it building like water behind a dam seeking out a crack.

That little inextinguishable flame of hope always burns until the very end.

Lots of thoughts this weekend…

Lots of options discussed and debated…

Lots of plans made and abandoned to be replaced with new plans…

…which were then abandoned.

You know those letters people write to their past selves at eighteen or twenty or thirty? I could really use a letter from “future Megan”.

We are a bit lost right now. The only thing we know is that we need a break.

Tested

Negative.

Hope got me again. I really thought things would be different this time.

I guess the only thing I can hope for now is divine intervention.

A Test Not Taken

Today I am 7dp5dt. According to the Internet I could have peed on a stick today and possibly gotten a positive pregnancy test. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I am paralyzed. My fear that the test will be negative is greater than my desire to know the outcome of this cycle.

We did not end up being lucky enough to freeze any embryos. This concerns me. We have been so lucky at so many points in this cycle. What if the luck has run out?

Tony told me that he doesn’t think he can do another IVF cycle. I found out two days ago that he started smoking again during this cycle. He says it is to deal with the stress. Sure he might be caught up in the moment. He might change his mind about another cycle. Yes, if this cycle is negative I could probably persuade, beg, or nag him into doing another cycle, but is that ethical? If he has truly hit his limit is it right for me to try and force him to keep going? This could be it for us.

But the test could be positive.

But the test could be positive.

But the test could be positive.

If it is positive we would be so happy. This nightmare, this personal hell would be over. Everything we have gone through (the time, the money, the stress, and the tears) would be worth it.

This test is pass or fail. There is no in between. There is no “close enough”. I am nervous. I am scared. I am paralyzed.

I gave blood today. I will give blood again on Monday. They will call with the results after the Monday test. I could ask for today’s results, but I won’t.

Maybe I will test tomorrow.

Angels and Demons

Picture a devil on one shoulder. "Test test test."

And an angel on the other shoulder. "Don't test. Wait until beta."

That's the sort of day I'm having.

Throw a headache in for good measure.

The Sleep Cure

I read "Valley of the Dolls" when I was a freshman in high school. I had the book sitting on my desk in algebra class when my teacher walked by, saw it, and announced to the whole class, "In my day that book was considered pornography!"

I was mortified.

But I felt compelled to keep reading of course...

If you've not read "Valley of the Dolls" I'll fill you in. First, my teacher was misinformed. I do not find it terribly erotic. It's not like those books with the picture of a maiden with a torn bodice being held by Fabio on the cover. Think "Sex in the City" with less sex and lots of drugs.

At one point in the book, one of the characters needs to freshen up and loose a few pounds before she embarks on a new movie career. She goes to Switzerland for "the sleep cure". Basically she was sedated for several days until she was revived; well rested and several pounds lighter. Who knows if this ever really existed, but I was always intrigued by this idea.

I need the sleep cure right now. (While the progesterone is making me quite sleepy, it is not the same.) I need to be sedated for a few days only to be shaken awake while some nurse whispers in my ear, "It's all over, you're pregnant." Or at the very least, "We're sorry it didn't work, but you are ten pounds lighter."

What do you mean I'm not done yet?

Everything I've done this cycle has been focused on making good eggs, praying for good embryos, making it to transfer. Done. Done. And Done.

What do you mean I'm not done yet?

I didn't allow myself to think ahead to this part, but yesterday it hit me...after all our successes this cycle, at this point, we still have only a slightly better than 50% chance of a positive pregnancy test.

*sigh*

So far I have had some pretty strong reactions to the progesterone. I'm tired. My boobs hurt. And yesterday, when I started Endometrin I got a nasty stomach ache and slight fever that kept me up most of the night. (The Endometrin insert says that this can happen, but still makes me nervous for my embryos.) The bottom line is that I am not going to be able to judge success based on pregnancy symptoms because I already got em.

It seems like infertility is like that old affirmation elementary school teachers love, "No one is good at everything, but everyone is good at something." Some of us make great eggs, but our uteruses leave a little to be desired. Some of us have great ovaries, but are dealing with some genetic condition. Some of us have no problem getting pregnant, but just can't seem to hold on.

I have crappy ovaries. Hubby has crappy sperm. I hope I am good at implanting and holding on to pregnancies. I hope this is my time to shine!

Finally!

We transferred two "beautiful" blasts today.

The Official Day 3 Report

Just got the official report on my embryos from the yesterday afternoon look-see.

1 8 cell grade 1 embryo
1 8 cell grade 2 embryo
1 7 cell grade 1 embryo
1 7 cell grade 2 embryo
1 5 cell grade 2 embryo
1 4 cell grade 2 embryo
1 3 cell grade 3 embryo

Hoping these little guys are still hanging in there and that I have a couple left for tomorrow.

Book or a Toy?

"Book or a toy
Book or a toy
Only gonna buy one thing.
But I'll try for two
If I can
And drive my mother to the insane asylum"

This is a song we sing in my family. My aunt made it up. When my older brother was little and would go shopping with my mom he would have to chose between buying a book or buying a toy. He couldn't have both. He had to chose. (Which tells you a lot about my brother. By the time I was born, the "book or a toy" shopping policy had been suspended.)

Book or a toy. A difficult choice for a kid. Books are good. Toys are good. A book AND a toy would be heaven, but not an option. Can't have both. But really, how can you go wrong either way. Either way you WILL END UP with a BOOK or a TOY!

Day 3 or day 5? I really hope this is a "book or a toy" decision. I hope this is not a decision with a good choice and a bad choice. I hope this is not a decision with a right choice and a wrong choice. I hope this is a decision where you can't go wrong either way...

[Let me break here and just express how overjoyed I am to HAVE A DECISION TO MAKE!]

It is a difficult decision. We do not have official charting on our embryos since they looked at them early especially for me, but we have four "very nice embryos". We will get official stats later today. My RE suggests that we wait. He believes very strongly in the "if they don't make it to five they are probably not good" theory. He would only do a three at my request. He does not suggest a three. (Does that mean I can blame him when it all goes wrong?)

We have decided to wait until Friday for a five day transfer.

I have to go vomit now.

Embie Update

I got an email late yesterday afternoon. All seven embies are still going strong.

My RE definately wants to wait until day 3 and see what's doing.

I sent an email this morning saying that if several look really really good that I might be open to waiting until day 5.

I really can't believe this. I can't wait to see what they are doing today.

I am so cautiously optimistic I could explode!

Fertilization Report

Tony got the call as I had meetings all afternoon.

I just got an email back confirming what hubby told me and getting more information. (Sometimes husbands are not reliable sources of information...especially ones who refer to embryo implantation rather than embryo transfer).

The report. Seven of the nine were mature. Seven of the seven fertilized and were characterized as "good fert". (Last time four of five fertilized, but only two were "good fert".)

I am thrilled once again!

So now, I am going to throw some options out into the blogosphere and hope you guys can help me make some decisions.

[Now that I've typed this, it seems pretty long. Please bear with me...I need some opinions.]

The Background: I pretty much have to be at work on Thursday. (OK, I know I don't HAVE to be at work, but I have to...one of those things...something will be happening in the department, and as the manager I should be there). I am just sick that I am even considering work at this time, but I've been disappointed so many times that it gets harder and harder to put your life on hold for IVF.

RE and I agreed to do a three day transfer when this work situation came up under the assumption that we would have few eggs and that quality might suck like last time. (Why wait for a five day to see which ones are the best when you have so few?)

In the meantime my retrieval kept getting pushed back so that now a 3 day transfer would be Wednesday and a 5 day transfer would be Friday. (We had assumed that a 3 day transfer would be Tuesday and a 5 day transfer would be Thursday).

So here are my options:

Option 1: Do a two day transfer tomorrow and get a full 24 hours bed rest on Wednesday before walking into a shit storm at work on Thursday.

Pros: Bedrest. More time for embies to settle in before emotional turmoil. RE doesn't seem to think a 2 day vs. a 3 day is a big deal.
Cons: Might be hard to choose best embryos. I'm unclear if two day transfer will affect results outside of better embryo selection. (i.e. if I transfered the same embryos on day 3 would I have a better chance?)

Option 2: Do a three day transfer and have about 12 hours of bedrest (keeping in mind the most physical thing I do at work is walk).

Pros: Perhaps better embryo selection. Don't have to worry that selfish work concerns affected results.
Cons: Reduced bedrest and stressful day less than 24 hours after transfer.

Option 3: Wait and see if there is anything to transfer on Day 5.

Pros: Transfer happens after shitstorm. Better embryo selection. All the other good things that a five day transfer entails.
Cons: Might have nothing to transfer again, go insane and end up in nuthouse.

What would you do? Talk about mixed emotions...I'm so happy and frustrated that I have this problem.

Nine!

We got nine eggs. I can't imagine that they are all mature, but I was too scared to ask.

Please let there be a good one in there.

Even More Adventures of Mature Eggs

Phew!

It's been a rough week, but I am officially on the retrieval schedule for Sunday.

My RE is hoping for five eggs. (I'm very happy with this number!)

We are sacrificing one gigantic lead follicle on the left, but the others are still growing. It looks like I might even get a couple on the right.

Thanks, yet again for all the support!

Break Down

Today we had our cycle day 9 ultrasound. Our RE is hoping to get 3 or 4 eggs out of the left ovary. The right ovary is not responding well at all.

I don't know what we were expecting, but I know we were hoping for something better than this. This feels like deja vu. This feels like last cycle. We have made so many changes and our results are the same.

Tonight while Tony was giving me my shots he told me about a very mentally challenged girl in his school. Each day she gets a certain amount of "rocking time" and today he happened to be in her classroom and was the one to rock her. I started crying. I told him that I was sorry that we were going through this. I told him that he would make a great dad.

Then he started crying.

Then I started crying more because he was crying, and I've only rarely seen him cry.

I don't know how many more cycles we have left in us. This is too hard.

A Note from My Ovaries

Hey Megs. Whatz up! Weez just chillin in your body. Love the drugs. That’s sum good shit. We’ve been tweekin all night cookin some follies! I know you don’t feelz nothing yet. But, no worries. We are doin just what you we are supposed to do.

Expect good news on Tuez-day!!!




Wouldn’t it be nice if your ovaries checked in with you more often???

Wouldn't It Be Perfect?

Wouldn’t it be perfect if this IVF cycle worked?

Wouldn’t it be perfect if I could go to my grandfather’s eightieth birthday party in October and face my newly pregnant cousin and all of her congratulations? I wouldn’t be ready to announce my own pregnancy, but I would have a secret.

Wouldn’t it be perfect if I could start saving and planning for nurseries and college funds again rather than wondering how much longer I can continue paying for fertility drugs and medical expenses.

Wouldn’t it be perfect if I could announce my pregnancy at Christmas time and actually enjoy the holidays, decorate my home, and put up the Christmas tree (something I haven’t felt like doing for the past two years)?

Wouldn’t it be perfect if this all ended with a baby? I could start working to repair my soul. I could feel happy again. I could move on to the next phase of my life.

Wouldn’t it be perfect that the baby would be born at the beginning of June when Tony would be on school break? We would have three wonderful, beautiful months together learning how to be a new family.

It would be so perfect I could just scream.

waiting

Everyday since I received my IVF calendar I spend about thirty seconds staring at it. OK, I really do this two or three or sometimes four times a day.

Sometimes I'm checking to make sure that I have taken all of my medicine.

Sometimes I am counting days until the next appointment.

Sometimes I am counting days until the next new medicine.

Sometimes I am seeing how far I have come.

All little ways to pass the time. All little ways to count out the hours, days, and weeks spent waiting.

and waiting...

and waiting...

The last few weeks have really gone pretty quickly. I've found myself saying, "It's already time to start shots! My period is already here! It's already time for my baseline ultrasound!"

But this week has been different. This week has been incredibly slow. This week has been incredibly long. It's only Wednesday! So odd, because this week has been the most action filled week to date!

Maybe this week seems slower because work has slowed down a bit. Maybe this week seems slower because I have had a raging headache ever since I started the estrogen suppositories. Maybe this week seems slower because the action has started and I can't wait to see what my ovaries are doing.

With all the drugs they give you for IVF, why can't they give you one that makes time move faster?

W A I T I N G
S U C K S ! ! !