I love lupron

I was going to post today about what a rough week I have had on lupron. I have had mood swings, hot flashes, and headaches bordering on migraines. Between the headaches and the fatigue I have been going to sleep at eight o'clock each night. But now I don't care because lupron is my only hope to save this cycle. I hate having all my hope in a slutty pirate hooker of a drug like lupron. I'm trying to prepare myself for this cycle to be cancelled. I always try to do this...try and prepare for the BFN, try to prepare for the disappointment. Does the preparation ever really work? No, because I always seem to cling to a sliver of hope, and losing that last bit of hope hurts the most.

Guess Who's Cancelled Again?

Well, not quite yet, I'll know officially on Monday. Apparently my left ovary has two follicles at about a day 8 size. I get to try to shoot up some more lupron over the weekend and go back on Monday. If they are still there, I'm cancelled. I am so angry and frustrated. Let me break it down...

1. My doctor does not do baseline ultrasounds and bloodwork on day one of my period. I always know when my baseline ultrasound is when I get my protocol. I assume he does this so that all patients fit into a nice schedule. I actually started my period seven days ago and have already almost forgot that I had it. Interesting that I am on day seven after my period and have follicles of a day 8 size. I guess I was not suppressed enough.

2. After being cancelled last cycle I told my RE that I wanted more monitoring this cycle to determine if everything was on track. My RE told me that more monitoring would be a waste of my time and money. Really? Because if this cycle is cancelled I would have rather wasted my time and money.

Sorry....can't type anymore. I'm at work and I don't want to cry anymore.

How did you guys get so smart?

I don't know crap about IVF. Sure, I know the basics...they grow the eggs. They get the eggs. They fertilize the eggs. They put them back. We hope for a miracle. But I swear that is about all I know.

As I read around the blogosphere I realize that I am really stupid. I have no idea about follicle size and what size I should be at what points in my stimulation. My doctor could tell me that my lining was two inches thick and I would probably respond, "Is that good or bad?". Someone was talking about antral follicles the other day. I don't even know what that is or if I even spelled it right. I won't even know how to care about my embryos properly because I have no idea what to even hope for as normal embryonic development.

My doctor talks constantly, but usually not about any useful information. It's usually drivel about the weather or some chair he fixed in the lobby or something interesting he received in the mail. I don't even know what to ask him most of the time to get more information. So usually I ask something like, "Does everything look OK?" And then he will affirm that all is OK and we go our separate ways.

I try and look on the Internet and a little feature that I'm not sure you've heard of...it's called Google. However, when I find stuff I'm never sure if it's an authoritative source or I read so much conflicting information that I just give up.

I bought a book about IVF, but it didn't really tell me what I want to know. It seemed very basic. I want information that will tell me how my cycle is going. Are my E2, follicle size, lining measurement, and symptoms normal.

So how did you guys get so smart? And how can I get smarted up too? Do you have a trusted website you refer to? Is there a book you can recommend? Does your doctor give you a lot of information? Help a stupid girl out.

I have my baseline ultrasound today. I am going to try and ask a lot of questions and get a lot of information. I will let you know how I do.

My Turn

So, I consider myself relatively new to blogging and I am intrigued by awards. I love reading about what people are required to do to receive these awards, love the artwork, etc. but like most things in my life I am left wondering, "when is it my turn?" But now, wonder no more, I have received bling from two folks in the same day. Thanks to music maker momma and the angry infertile.

Here are the rules:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here are my ten honest things:

1. I used to want to be a presenter on QVC (you know, the shopping channel). I used to watch it for hours on end in high school, but I never ordered anything. I know alot about Diamonique and semi-precious stones.

2. If I don't like an actor's politics I won't watch their movies. Even if I really want to see the movie.

3. I grew up in a town of 75 people in rural Iowa. It was a great place to grow up. If someone made me move back there I would slit my throat.

4. I will probably watch the finale of "The Girls Next Door". I am intrigued by the whole situation of these women living with that old man. I also like to watch those Real Housewives shows and the Duggars with their whole mess of kids.

5. In the same vein as the crap TV I watch, I went to see Crossroads (the Britney Spears movie) in the theater by myself because I couldn't find anyone who would go with me.

6. My favorite old movie is Splendor in the Grass.

7. I really really love accounting in an academic sense. I love it so much that I write questions for the CPA exam.

8. I hate the fact that my nearest family lives a four hour drive away. However, everyone in my family thinks that my house is always super clean and organized because I always spend two days cleaning and organizing to prepare for their visits.

9. My father passed away when I was twenty one. My life was a total mess at the time. I cry when I think about how he never got to see me pull things together.

10. My husband and I had a very small wedding because we were paying for it ourselves and we didn't have any money (husband in grad school at the time). I get very bitter and jealous when I go to big extravagant weddings.

And I am passing along to...

Jo at MoJo Working
Eileen at We Got Hitched...Now What?
Ashely at My Life, Our Journey
Erica at Learning to Accept My Infertility
L at Baby Making Journey
S.E. at Riding the Rollercoaster
G&H at Journey to a Wondraful Baby

OK. That was a lot of work. I'm glad I had the day off work today.

The Male Factor

real conversation from our house...

Me: If you died would you want me to make a baby with your frozen sperm?

Hubby: No, I'd want you to go find a new guy and have a baby. You know if you had a different guy you'd be pregnant right away. My bad sperm is the problem.

Me: Not neccessarily. I cheat on you alot and I haven't gotten pregnant yet.

Hubby: I'm going to remember this for the Maury show when you get pregnant.


So, today I'm going to post about the elephant in the room that appears when I talk with my friends about our infertility. In all of our testing the only thing we can identify as a problem is my husband's sperm. How do I feel about that?

1. I do not feel as though my husband is less of a man for having poor sperm. My husband is six foot four, played football in high school, and broke his hand in a drunken fight in college. He is a guy's guy. Even if he wasn't a guy's guy, I wouldn't think of him as less of a man. I won't be less of a woman when I go through menopause.

2. I do not blame him for our infertility problems. Even though we haven't had any bad testing on me, I don't think doctors know everything about infertility. I site all the couples who have unexplained infertility and no baby. Just because we can't identify a problem with me, I can't assume I'm fertile. I've never gotten pregnant with anyone else...and I could have...trust me I could have.

3. I am bitter that it seems like I have to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to IVF. It's frustrating that all he has to do is jack off into a cup. And despite what he says about the embarassment and akwardness, I think he gets some enjoyment out of it. However, even if the identified problem was with me, I would still be bitter that I have to do all the work.

There are only a handful of people who I have told about our infertility and everyone seems to want to know who has the problem. One person actually told me, "well, thank God it's not you who has the problem." Yep, thank God indeed, because it's so easy to have a baby by yourself.

I don't really think it matters who has the identified problem in our relationship. We are married so this isn't his problem or my problem. This is our problem. This is our issue. Together.

So let me hear it MFI girls. How do you feel? How does your husband feel? How do people react?

Thanks for the awards yesterday...gives me something to post about tomorrow!

Requiem for a Friendship?

Hubby and I have some real life couple friends who are dealing with infertility. Our infertility journeys have run along a parallel course with a few differences. We have been trying longer. We had a miscarriage. He has kids from a prior marriage. They had a vasectomy reversal.

Besides those differences our paths have been the same. We started Clomid at the same time and took it for about the same number of months. We both chose to go straight to IVF and not do IUI. We’ve both been unsuccessful in all attempts to get pregnant and stay that way.

I’ve always wondered what will happen when one of us succeeds. Will our friendship survive? My friend just transferred two embryos on Friday, with two to spare that were frozen. My husband has already told me that he is bitter that they made it to transfer on their first cycle while our first cycle was cancelled. He doesn’t have much hope for our new cycle being an “expect the worst” kind of person.

I know how I would probably feel if a friend not going through infertility told me she was pregnant. I would probably go into modified avoidance mode or total avoidance mode depending on the original level of friendship. But how will I feel in this instance? Will I be happy for them because they have been through so much? Or will I be insanely jealous because we have done the exact same things and still don’t have a baby?

If their cycle succeeds and our cycle fails I’m sure I can be brave for awhile because surely we will be next and our next cycle will be successful, but what if it’s not? What if they succeed and I remain barren and have to watch yet another couple have a healthy baby (or two)? It’s just the same old feeling once again. I will be thrilled for them if they are successful, but DAMN IT, I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL TOO!!!!!

There’s too much on the line with infertility; future happiness, sanity, marital relationship, financial security, friendships…just to name a few. The stakes are so high.

I know, I know, we could both be successful and our relationship could bloom into play dates and such. But I’m an infertile. I have a hard time being that optimistic.

I'm on Lupron and I Will Rip Your Freakin Head Off

Ever since I started taking lupron I have felt very "on edge" like any little thing might set me off. I don't remember feeling this way before when I was taking lupron. This has impacted my life in the following ways:

1. I snap at my husband. When he suggested that the refrigerator needed to be cleaned out I said, "You live in this house too so point that finger right around to you. Don't blame me because the refrigerator is a mess." I've also started ending a lot of my sentences with, "Come on. This is ridiculous."

2. I wrote an email to the President...of the United States, and it wasn't very nice. I am not a political person so this is very out of character for me.

3. At work I went off a little bit on the IT group that was trying to get us to sign off on testing with a less than twenty four hour turn around. (I did get some high fives from my coworkers though.)

Yesterday, this all turned around and I spent all day telling my husband how much I loved him. When I wasn't telling him how much I loved him, I was thinking about how much I loved him.

Has anyone else had this reaction to lupron...or am I, in fact, losing my mind?

Who are you now?

Franklin Covey Makes Me Hot

OK. I am a planner. I will prove it to you right now. Here is our vacation itinerary from 2007 when we drove around the northeast US and Canada.

Yes, I'm serious. I planned the vacation down to the hour. So you can probably guess that being infertile, with all its little surprises, is like shoving bamboo under my fingernails. Having a baby presents me with endless opportunities to plan. I can plan nurserys. I can calculate the size of my child in each season so that I can bargain shop for baby clothes. I can plan college savings accounts. I can plan maternity leave. Just typing about all this planning is somewhat....stimulating.

But I can't get no satisfaction. Waiting for pregnancy has been like two years of foreplay with no....um.....release. Back when we were trying to make a baby with good old fashioned sex, back when I really thought we would get pregnant with good old fashioned sex, everytime I got my period I would complete a little project around the house. I painted the dining room. I painted and furnished a bedroom. I landscaped. I bought patio furniture. Now I have nothing left. The only room untouched in my house is the room that is supposed to be a nursery, but right now is the room where my husband irons his shirts.

IVF helps. There is lots of planning involved. Lots of charts to follow. Syringes to prepare. Boxes to check.

But I'm still searching for the BIG ONE, the ultimate plan. My pencils are sharpened. My spreadsheets are ready. I'm all set.

Dream Baby

I generally don’t remember my dreams, but I had a strange one this morning. I dreamt that I had a baby girl rather unexpectedly. I knew I wasn’t expecting to have a baby because my desk was a mess at work. My desk is usually a mess at work, but I’m hoping I’ll clean it off before maternity leave, if I ever get to go on maternity leave. Also we had NO baby stuff in the house. So I sent my husband to Target to buy some baby stuff. Of course he came back with all the wrong stuff and I didn’t even have a place for the baby to sleep. Hubby told me to put her down to sleep in some blankets, but I told him that didn’t seem such a good idea as she would probably suffocate.

The strange thing about this baby is that even though she was newly born she seemed about the size of a one year old. Also, in my dream I was constantly changing the baby’s diaper and it was always poopy, really messy poopy. I just kept wiping this baby’s bottom, but I couldn’t get it clean. The really weird thing was that the baby seemed to have a lot of attitude about me changing these poopy diapers. Like she was saying, “Yeah lady…you clean up that poop. I’m going to poop more in a minute and it will be even messier.”

So does my subconscious feel unprepared for motherhood? Or am I subconsciously concerned that motherhood won’t be all I think it will be? Do I have a poop fetish? Am I concerned about having a baby with attitude? What do you think?

Ready, Set, Go

I'm back on the syringe pony. Hubby gave me my lupron shot this morning. It was everything I remembered. I'm not a virgin, touched by the needle for the very first time anymore.

Hubby asked how I wanted it and I said, "Do it like we're making love. Quick and Painless." He did not. It hurt. He needs to get his technique down again. I told him that it probably hurt this time because he's been lifting weights and he doesn't know the strength in his "guns" anymore.

Have I mentioned that I'm a big shot baby? I usually feel like running around the house shrieking, "NOOOOOOO!!!" when he comes at me with a syringe.

When hubby was done I said, "Bring on the bitchiness." Hubby didn't laugh. No symptoms to report thus far!!!

Procreation Desperation

We got a positive pregnancy test after four months of trying to conceive. It turned out to be a blighted ovum which was devastating. But if there was a silver lining it was that I thought I could get pregnant. After we started trying to conceive again I was so fearful of another miscarriage. The thought that I wouldn't get pregnant again never crossed my mind.

After about six months of trying to conceive after the D&C I went a little crazy for a few months. I would pee on a test stick on the earliest day possible. I would pee on sticks two and three times a day. I would start my period and try and convince myself that it might be implantation bleeding, staying up all night, going to the bathroom each hour to see if the bleeding had picked up or had ended. When I could no longer deny that I wasn't pregnant I would get very depressed. I would get so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. I would get so depressed that I would call in sick to work. I would get so depressed that I wouldn't speak to anyone including my husband. It was a very bad time.

It was during this time that I committed my most desperate infertility act. I spent $300 and ordered a C.onception Kit online. If you aren't familiar, I'll let you in on what it is. The C.onception Kit is FDA approved (this is how I convinced myself that it wasn't completely crazy and that I wasn't getting taken). For $300 you get ovulation tests for three months, sperm friendly lube, semen collectors (more on that later), three pregnancy tests (which they consider a three month supply - yeah right), and the conception cap (below).


The idea is that you use the ovulation tests to figure out when you are ovulating. Then you have sex using the semen collector and sperm friendly lube. (This is to keep the romance in the process.) The semen collector is basically a condom without spermicide. Once the semen collector has "collected" the semen you squeeze the semen out into the conception cap. Then place the conception cap on your cervix for about eight hours and *bam* you are pregnant. They even include a cardboard "baby wheel" for the math challenged. You turn the wheel to the month when you want to have the baby and the wheel tells you what month to use the conception cap...because it is so fool proof.

Here's how it worked for us. I never used the ovulation kits because I am a firm believer in the Clear Blue Easy happy face ovulation kit. I am way too analytical to be puzzling over whether the second line is really darker than the control line. It's enough to drive a girl like me nuts. Give me a definitive answer already. Second, there was no way that my husband was going to have sex with a condom on and then squeeze the contents into a little cup. I was a little grossed by the thought too. Both of us were sick of having sex anyway. So my husband masturbated into the conception cup. I know...I know. I was impressed by his aim too. Then my husband inserted the cup into my vag and onto my cervix (which was super sexy) and I walked around with a cup full of jizz inside of me for about eight hours wondering if it was in there right.

We did this for two months. It took two months for us to realize how silly and desperate this all was. I still have one conception cap left somewhere in the back of my linen closet. No one knows that I did this, except my husband. So I spilled the beans on my most desperate act. What's yours?

A Really Good Day

I had a really good day yesterday. Best day in a long time.

Hubby and I slept in (which is seven o'clock for us). He made me pancakes for breakfast. I love pancakes. We relaxed for a bit and then cleaned the whole house. It looks great.

At the gym I got the good machine. The one where the thing to listen to the TV actually works...and it actually lines up with the TVs in front of me. (The other day I got a bad machine and ended up listening to Seinfeld and watching CNBC.) Also there was actually something I wanted to watch on the TV.

We came home and I made a nice lunch of sandwiches and apples. The apples were really good. Then we took a nap.

We went out to dinner. There was a lot of romantic hand holding. Wine was great. Appetizer was great. Soup was great. Entree was a little weird. There was some sort of spice in the sauce that I couldn't identify, and I didn't like. I got a little buzzed from the wine. Hubby and I had a nice conversation about how (with the exception of our infertility and his messed up family) we have a really nice life, and we are really lucky.

We went home and hubby made a fire in our bedroom. We have a beautiful fireplace in our bedroom, but we only do a fire in there about once a year because it's such a pain in the ass to carry wood upstairs. I'll let the camera drift up to the ceiling now while the music swells.

I love days like this. Nothing special or too out of the ordinary. Just a really good day.

Preparing for Number Two

Lupron begins on Tuesday. Starting injections feels like the official start of IVF #2 (or IVF #1, Take Two). So this will be my final reflection on IVF #1 (or the IVF that never was). It's time to get pumped for #2.

I'm having a hard time getting excited for #2. When we signed up for #1 our RE told us that we had a 65% chance for success. I have to admit that I never thought we would be in the unlucky 35%. Getting canceled wasn't even a possibility in my mind. I feel so different about #2. I feel like....well, I feel like it's going to turn into a big pile of #2. I keep thinking of all the things that could go wrong. So I am just focusing on one step at a time. Right now all of my focus is on my baseline ultrasound and getting a green light for stims.

On Valentine's Day hubby and I are going out to dinner. He made a reservation at the same restaurant as the cancelled birthday dinner which followed the cancelled IVF cycle. Going to that restaurant, enjoying a good meal and a bottle of wine, feels really good, like we are exorcising the demons of #1.

Number Two here we come.

I'd Rather Be Infertile, Thanks

I'd rather be infertile than wear these maternity clothes...

And I'd definitely rather be infertile than be this nutjob...

Two is the Lonliest Number

I love my husband very much and there is no one I would rather spend time with (not that I have a choice most days). We usually spend most of our time laughing together because we are both total smart asses. In fact, we can't even fight because eventually someone has a come-back that is too hilarious and we both start laughing.

That being said...sometimes I look at him and wonder if it will always be just the two of us. Sometimes we are sitting on the sofa watching TV (OK a lot of times we do that) and I think...is this it? Could this be the rest of our lives? In ten years will we still be arguing over which TV shows are banned in the house? (I have banned Scrubs and Family Guy. He has banned any show having to do with Real Housewives and John and Kate Plus Eight). Will we still be bickering over our NetFlix queue? Will we still be treating our cat like a little human, referring to ourselves as "mommy" and "daddy" when we speak to him? Will we always be able to get away with having cereal for dinner? Will we always be able to curse freely? Will our outlets ever have a need for childproofing?

Or someday will our lives have more meaning? Someday will we be able to introduce someone else to our strange little world? I hope so.

February 17th

February 17th is when I start lupron injections again.

I keep having this recurring thought, which is growing into a recurring fear that I am going to forget. I feel much more relaxed this cycle (good thing). So relaxed that every once in awhile I catch myself thinking, "oh crap...what day am I supposed to start my lupron?" I keep pulling my planner out of my purse to check.

I don't wear a watch...if I have back to back meetings, odds are I'm going to be late for the second one. I once failed a course in college because I missed the last drop day. I don't want to screw this up.

February 17th.
February 17th.
February 17th.

A Week in the Life

If the F.B.I. is watching...I don't intend to blow up the world. (Do we still have to worry about that now that GW is gone?)

See what else people are showing and telling.

Infertility Sing-A-Long

OK, so there is one song that whenever I hear it I think about my miscarriage and start crying. The chorus goes like this:

"Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do"

Not totally appropriate, I know, but it got me thinking...

Why aren't there more songs about infertility? Weird idea...but stay with me. There could be pop song related to that hopeful two week wait time. Something with a nice beat that you could dance to (without shaking up your uterus of course). And the inevitable sappy country songs to cry along with when it all goes wrong.

Some suggestions:

She Thinks My Semen Analysis Results Are Sexy
Embryos in the Stream
Take this Pee Stick and Shove It
Stand By Your Embryologist
Did I Shave My Legs for This Appointment?
Acky Breaky Eggs
If You've Got the Money, I Need an IVF Cycle
On the Pill Again

Just a thought...too bad I can't sing.

Grateful

Mo listed three things she was grateful for on Sunday. And I quote, "It is easy while in the doldrums of infertility to lose perspective and forget that there are many things going just fine and even better than fine, if I could only lift my head up long enough to notice."

I do gravitate toward the negative, so I going to try and have a positive day today. Here are some things in my life that are going fine or better than fine...

1. I have a husband who makes me laugh every day. We are a perfect sarcastic pair. I realize that once we become parents we will probably have to change or we will end up with a severely scarred child.

2. I really like my house. It's not the biggest. It's not the newest. It's not my "dream house", but it is more than adequate. Also, hubby drives five miles to work and I drive twelve miles to work. I love having a short commute.

3. I work for a company that does better in a down economy. I would never assume that my job is safe, but I have a little less stress than some others these days.

That's it. Thanks Mo.

If I Was a Breeder - The IRS Version

I completed my taxes yesterday. We owe $800 net, which means we owe $1500 to the federal government, but are getting a $700 rebate from the state (if they don’t run out of money). I generally don’t try to get a big tax refund, but I usually like to hit it a little closer and not owe much.

So for grins and giggles I decided to figure out what my tax refund would be if I were a breeder. If I had one kid I would be getting a $1400 net refund, and I wouldn’t owe anyone anything. This doesn’t count any child care tax credits I may have been able to take. Crap. Taxes suck for non-breeders, especially infertile ones. Let’s break it down.

I am not a breeder so I get no extra deductions or credits for children or child care.
If I was a breeder I could deduct loads more from my income and maybe get a piece of the child care tax credit action (AKA cash prize for breeding).

I am not a breeder so I get to spend loads of money on expensive fertility treatments, but not quite enough to deduct any medical expenses.
If I was a breeder I wouldn’t need to deduct medical expenses because health insurance would pretty much cover all my extra medical expenses related to my children.

I am not a breeder so I pay real estate taxes used primarily to support local schools that I don’t use. (Although my husband works in education, so my argument gets a little muddy here).
If I was a breeder I would thank the non-breeders for sending my kids to school for free.

I’m not bitter. I’m just ranting. I want to get on the government teat too. I’m sick of being the cow producing all the milk.

You're So Lucky

So HB.O now has the movie Ju.no on perma-loop. My husband must like this movie because it is on all the time when I come in the room (He also really likes M.ona Li.sa Sm.ile and St.eel Magn.olias...hee hee). I have mixed feelings about this movie. I think it's a funny, clever movie, but I think the J.uno character is too blase about giving away a baby to be believable. Of course there are also the infertility feelings that are so mixed up in watching this movie. (I can stand this movie a LOT better than Ba.by Mam.a though. You know, the realistic movie where everyone gets a baby in the end.)

There is one part in this movie that makes me cringe every time I watch it. J.uno meets the adoptive parents for the first time and is talking about getting fat and putting elastic bands in her jeans. The adoptive mother says, "I think pregnancy is beautiful." J.uno says, "Well, you're lucky it's not you." You can see in Jen.nifer Gar.ner's face how hard it is for the adoptive mother to hear this. But she doesn't say anything. I know why...because she hears this kind of shit all the time.

You're so lucky you can go to the movie's without finding a sitter.

You're so lucky you can travel.

You're so lucky to have disposable income you don't have to spend on kids.

You're so lucky you don't have pregnancy gas.

You're so lucky you get to sleep through the night.

You're so lucky, you're so lucky, you're so lucky...

I don't feel lucky.

I don't think it would be more possible for me to feel less f*cking lucky. Most people who say this don't know about my struggles with infertility. Some do know about my struggles, but I can also tell that they know they have just put their foot in their mouth big time. (I forgive them because I am the queen of putting my foot in my mouth.)

I know that this is one of those things in life that just isn't fair. Like you can make fun of someone for being too skinny, but not for being too fat. You can make fun of someone for being too rich, but not too poor. But sometimes (fair or not) I want to tell the fertiles how lucky they are...

You're so lucky that you don't have to spend tens of thousands of dollars just to try and have a kid.

You're so lucky that you get to tuck a child into bed every night.

You're so lucky that pregnancy is a happy time for you and not a time of waiting for the other shoe to fall.

You're so lucky that all of your babies were born alive and healthy.

You're so lucky.

But I guess we can't say that. It's just not socially acceptable.