I’m having an affair with Hope right now. It’s a very dysfunctional relationship. Hope is starting to feel like a hot ex-boyfriend who was really good in bed. An ex-boyfriend who cheated on me time and time again. An ex-boyfriend that I’m really not quite over yet.
When Hope comes into town and gives me a call I think about not answering the phone, but then I always do. Hope takes me to dinner and we flirt and have a really good time. Next thing I know we are at a bar and Hope is buying me drinks. I start to get tipsy and soon we find ourselves in the bar parking lot making out in Hope’s car. I can’t help myself. I start to think, “Maybe this could work. Maybe we could get back together.” So I invite Hope home for the night.
The next morning it’s always the same. Hope seems distant. Hope makes some excuse and bails leaving me alone, empty, and regretful. I swear to myself that I will not fall for this again. This is it. This is the last time. Hope is out of my life for good.
But it’s all a lie. Because next time Hope calls I will turn into a giggly tween again.
I’m a Hope slut.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
I'm Only Human
When he told me his wife was pregnant the first thought that came to my mind was the thought that always comes to my mind in these situations, “It will be OK. You will be able to survive the showers, cards, and birth because by the time that baby is born you will be pregnant.” At the time my first IVF cycle had just been cancelled. I was bruised, but not beaten. I was still full of hope.
There has been one other pregnancy in my group, but I was insulated by a supervisor. I did not need to arrange a temp for maternity leave. I was not in charge of preparing a baby shower. I could be a bystander. This time I could not. This was one of my direct reports.
I have always found comfort in work. Sure there have been days I have not been as engaged as I otherwise would have been. There have been days that I have not added much value. But generally work is a refuge, a reason to get dressed each day. Work keeps me busy. Work helps me think about something other than my infertility. But this time it wasn’t so.
It was the Monday morning after my third IVF cycle was cancelled, the cycle where I made it to retrieval, but failed to make viable embryos. He came to tell me that he needed to have the following week off because his wife was to be induced. I couldn’t even fake excitement for him. I listened, marked it in my calendar, and nonverbally made it clear that I didn’t want more details. I felt badly that I couldn’t mirror his excitement, but I was just trying to hold it together.
A week earlier I had received my annual performance review. Surprisingly I had been given good marks, except in one area. I am to work on having a more positive image with my team. I am to be more accessible to them. I am to be more empathetic and caring. All good things, all things I agree with, and all things that seem impossible to do right now when I really just want to be left alone.
He was my first test after my performance review and I failed. I did not arrange a baby shower (Even though this is his second child, my office is very into celebrating life events). I did not arrange a card to send around to be signed by the team. I did not ask him to update me when the baby was born which led to a painful week of people stopping by my desk asking, “Do we have a baby?” to which I responded, “I don’t know.”
Yesterday I tried to absolve myself of my sins. I purchased a card and a generous gift. Reading the cards I almost started crying and found myself wishing that they made baby cards that were blank inside. My gift came in certificate form because I couldn’t face the little clothes and baby accessories. I’m only human after all…
There has been one other pregnancy in my group, but I was insulated by a supervisor. I did not need to arrange a temp for maternity leave. I was not in charge of preparing a baby shower. I could be a bystander. This time I could not. This was one of my direct reports.
I have always found comfort in work. Sure there have been days I have not been as engaged as I otherwise would have been. There have been days that I have not added much value. But generally work is a refuge, a reason to get dressed each day. Work keeps me busy. Work helps me think about something other than my infertility. But this time it wasn’t so.
It was the Monday morning after my third IVF cycle was cancelled, the cycle where I made it to retrieval, but failed to make viable embryos. He came to tell me that he needed to have the following week off because his wife was to be induced. I couldn’t even fake excitement for him. I listened, marked it in my calendar, and nonverbally made it clear that I didn’t want more details. I felt badly that I couldn’t mirror his excitement, but I was just trying to hold it together.
A week earlier I had received my annual performance review. Surprisingly I had been given good marks, except in one area. I am to work on having a more positive image with my team. I am to be more accessible to them. I am to be more empathetic and caring. All good things, all things I agree with, and all things that seem impossible to do right now when I really just want to be left alone.
He was my first test after my performance review and I failed. I did not arrange a baby shower (Even though this is his second child, my office is very into celebrating life events). I did not arrange a card to send around to be signed by the team. I did not ask him to update me when the baby was born which led to a painful week of people stopping by my desk asking, “Do we have a baby?” to which I responded, “I don’t know.”
Yesterday I tried to absolve myself of my sins. I purchased a card and a generous gift. Reading the cards I almost started crying and found myself wishing that they made baby cards that were blank inside. My gift came in certificate form because I couldn’t face the little clothes and baby accessories. I’m only human after all…
Friday, June 19, 2009
A Very Merry Unbirthday To Me
On Tony's birthday our first IVF cycle was cancelled.
On our anniversary we were told we had no embryos to transfer for IVF try number three.
So yesterday was my birthday. The big three-two. I fully expected one of the following scary things to happen:
A. My little sister would call me and tell me she was pregnant.
B. My uterus would literally fall out of my vagina...probably at work in the middle of a meeting.
C. My husband's testicles would spontaneously combust leaving him with nothing but barbecued sperm.
None of the above happened. In fact, nothing too bad OR too good happened. It was just a day, which is how I like my birthdays. Hopefully I will survive my next 364 unbirthdays with no drama until my birthday comes around again...
On our anniversary we were told we had no embryos to transfer for IVF try number three.
So yesterday was my birthday. The big three-two. I fully expected one of the following scary things to happen:
A. My little sister would call me and tell me she was pregnant.
B. My uterus would literally fall out of my vagina...probably at work in the middle of a meeting.
C. My husband's testicles would spontaneously combust leaving him with nothing but barbecued sperm.
None of the above happened. In fact, nothing too bad OR too good happened. It was just a day, which is how I like my birthdays. Hopefully I will survive my next 364 unbirthdays with no drama until my birthday comes around again...
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Past, Present, and Future
The Past: I had my WTF appointment today. The results of IVF 1.3 are that my response sucked and my egg quality sucked (paraphrased and summarized by me). None of my embryos ever looked good and although 4 of my 5 eggs fertilized, only 2 fertilized normally (which was not shared with us during the cycle.)
The Present: I had acupuncture yesterday. I really liked the acupuncturist alot. I felt sort of lukewarm about the treatment. I was really jazzed about going. It made me feel like I was doing everything possible to make my next cycle a success.
My RE is not anti-acupuncture, but basically is of the opinion that if it feels good do it, but don't do it to improve IVF outcome. Now I am less jazzed about acupuncture and wondering if it is worth the time and money. (opinions and sharing of experiences welcome!)
The Future: We are planning on doing another IVF cycle. Our RE seems to think that based on my age (32 on Thursday) there has to be one good egg in me and we just have to find it. We feel like another IVF cycle is the fiscally logical option. We still have some insurance coverage for IVF, but no financial assistance for donor egg or adoption. If we had the option to take the insurance money and apply it to donor egg or adoption (where our chances of parenting would be higher) I would probably do that. However, our RE has hope and the money is there so we will keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Next up is an estrogen priming protocol or estrogen antagonist protocol...I can't remember anymore. I am to call when I have my next period. So this is a call to all my EPP sisters out there. What should I expect?
The Present: I had acupuncture yesterday. I really liked the acupuncturist alot. I felt sort of lukewarm about the treatment. I was really jazzed about going. It made me feel like I was doing everything possible to make my next cycle a success.
My RE is not anti-acupuncture, but basically is of the opinion that if it feels good do it, but don't do it to improve IVF outcome. Now I am less jazzed about acupuncture and wondering if it is worth the time and money. (opinions and sharing of experiences welcome!)
The Future: We are planning on doing another IVF cycle. Our RE seems to think that based on my age (32 on Thursday) there has to be one good egg in me and we just have to find it. We feel like another IVF cycle is the fiscally logical option. We still have some insurance coverage for IVF, but no financial assistance for donor egg or adoption. If we had the option to take the insurance money and apply it to donor egg or adoption (where our chances of parenting would be higher) I would probably do that. However, our RE has hope and the money is there so we will keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Next up is an estrogen priming protocol or estrogen antagonist protocol...I can't remember anymore. I am to call when I have my next period. So this is a call to all my EPP sisters out there. What should I expect?
Monday, June 15, 2009
I'm Cold!!!
It's Monday and I'm celebrating the little things.
1. I really had the hot and sweaty symptoms of lupron this last cycle, so for now I am enjoying being cold!!!
2. I have a WTF appointment tomorrow!!! Here's how I did it.
First, I emailed my IVF coordinator hoping she would be as outraged as me at my July 20 appointment. She was not, but she did say that she would let me know if there were any cancellations.
Then I emailed my doctor and told him that I had a July 20 appointment, but that there were a few questions that couldn't wait that long and proceeded to ask my questions. He moved up the appointment.
Lesson learned: Go directly to the top!
Hope everyone has a great Monday!
1. I really had the hot and sweaty symptoms of lupron this last cycle, so for now I am enjoying being cold!!!
2. I have a WTF appointment tomorrow!!! Here's how I did it.
First, I emailed my IVF coordinator hoping she would be as outraged as me at my July 20 appointment. She was not, but she did say that she would let me know if there were any cancellations.
Then I emailed my doctor and told him that I had a July 20 appointment, but that there were a few questions that couldn't wait that long and proceeded to ask my questions. He moved up the appointment.
Lesson learned: Go directly to the top!
Hope everyone has a great Monday!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Dear Mr. RE
Dear Mr. RE,
It’s me again. I feel like maybe we’ve had a falling out and I wanted to clear the air.
First, let me apologize for messing up your stats. I know these things are very important to you. I really wanted to help your clinic out, but I guess it just wasn’t in the cards. Trust me; this doesn’t make me any happier than it makes you.
I’m also sorry that I’m not that fun to be around. I know you find my addiction to Google annoying. I ask so many questions and sometimes challenge your answers. I rarely have a smile on my face and I regularly leave your office in tears. In short, I’ve been a real drag. I’ll try to do better.
Please remember that there is a silver lining in this cloud. I am a repeat customer. Sure you get to see the joy on the faces of those ladies you have helped and who have in turn helped your statistics. But don’t forget, those ladies leave you. They might come back to show off their newborn. I’m sure they warm your heart in a way I never do. However, I know you are running a business. Don’t forget that I’m still here. Don’t forget that I’m still a paying customer. Don’t forget that I haven’t left you.
I miss you already. I miss your optimism in the face of my pessimism. It used to be that we could hardly go a day without seeing each other. I miss doing things with you. Waiting is no fun.
In summary, I’m sorry that I failed you, but you failed me too. You made a lot of promises (explicit and implied) that you didn’t keep. We remain bound together in this struggle, so let’s bury the hatchet on this past cycle. I’d like to see what you have planned for me next.
Sincerely,
A Heartbroken Patient
It’s me again. I feel like maybe we’ve had a falling out and I wanted to clear the air.
First, let me apologize for messing up your stats. I know these things are very important to you. I really wanted to help your clinic out, but I guess it just wasn’t in the cards. Trust me; this doesn’t make me any happier than it makes you.
I’m also sorry that I’m not that fun to be around. I know you find my addiction to Google annoying. I ask so many questions and sometimes challenge your answers. I rarely have a smile on my face and I regularly leave your office in tears. In short, I’ve been a real drag. I’ll try to do better.
Please remember that there is a silver lining in this cloud. I am a repeat customer. Sure you get to see the joy on the faces of those ladies you have helped and who have in turn helped your statistics. But don’t forget, those ladies leave you. They might come back to show off their newborn. I’m sure they warm your heart in a way I never do. However, I know you are running a business. Don’t forget that I’m still here. Don’t forget that I’m still a paying customer. Don’t forget that I haven’t left you.
I miss you already. I miss your optimism in the face of my pessimism. It used to be that we could hardly go a day without seeing each other. I miss doing things with you. Waiting is no fun.
In summary, I’m sorry that I failed you, but you failed me too. You made a lot of promises (explicit and implied) that you didn’t keep. We remain bound together in this struggle, so let’s bury the hatchet on this past cycle. I’d like to see what you have planned for me next.
Sincerely,
A Heartbroken Patient
Thursday, June 11, 2009
WTF about my WTF Appointment
I'm looking for some advice from past exeriences and/or empathy about the unfairness of it all...
When the doctor called for the official cancellation of our transfer he said that someone from his office would call this week to schedule a follow up appointment. Of course that never happened so I called today to schedule the appointment. So now I'm all set up with an appointment for JULY 20!!! That's over a month away!!!
We are pretty sure we want to try another IVF cycle (more on that later), and we were hoping to cycle in August. Obviously that can't happen with a July 20 follow up appointment.
Sooooooo...
Question #1 - Does it seem ridiculous to anyone but me that we have to wait almost two months for our WTF appointment? To me waiting that long for any answers as to what went wrong seems a little cruel.
Question #2 - How soon is too soon to cycle again after a failed IVF cycle? Is it unrealistic to try and cycle again in August? Should I be shooting for September anyway?
When the doctor called for the official cancellation of our transfer he said that someone from his office would call this week to schedule a follow up appointment. Of course that never happened so I called today to schedule the appointment. So now I'm all set up with an appointment for JULY 20!!! That's over a month away!!!
We are pretty sure we want to try another IVF cycle (more on that later), and we were hoping to cycle in August. Obviously that can't happen with a July 20 follow up appointment.
Sooooooo...
Question #1 - Does it seem ridiculous to anyone but me that we have to wait almost two months for our WTF appointment? To me waiting that long for any answers as to what went wrong seems a little cruel.
Question #2 - How soon is too soon to cycle again after a failed IVF cycle? Is it unrealistic to try and cycle again in August? Should I be shooting for September anyway?
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